The Blind Side of Love

Chapter 66 (Conclusion)

Mon, 04 Aug 2003 22:42:56 GMT

And here it is. Before you all kill me, I swear there will be a sequel. Just don't ask me when it'll be up :)

I also wanted to say thank you for reading this and keeping up with it. It means a lot to me.

There will be a few changes made in the final draft of TBSOL. I'll post a final version when it's complete. I'm not yet sure what exactly will change, but I don't think I got it all right on the first go. :)

Anyway, enjoy.

~Dreams
dreams@midnightisland.com
===============================================

Kris had been awake when Julianne left the bed that morning. She had listened to every movement and every sound, until the door had opened, and quietly closed. She had listened to the receding footsteps down the stairs, until finally, she felt it safe enough to open her eyes.

She glanced around the strange bedroom, not yet used to the surroundings, and tried to pin down her emotions. As she gazed around, seeing but not registering, she wondered what had led to that moment. One second she had been spying from the shadows, too shy to approach the actress, and the next, she was knocking on Julianne's door, she was admitting things she'd never thought she'd say, she was swept up and away from rational thought.

If Kris had been thinking clearly, she would had paused at the bottom of the stairs, stared up at Julianne's bedroom door, and then continued on to the guestroom. She would have gone to bed, wondering about what Julianne had said. She would have invented, and reinvented a plethora of what-if scenarios that would have culminated with a kiss. But it would have been okay, because it wouldn't have been real. There are no consequences to idle fantasies.

Instead, she had lived out her thoughts. She had stepped up to the brink of possibility and jumped, head first without further thought. She had given herself up to the moment, to the tension and elation and excitement, pushing away the confusion and uncertainty and fear. And now what? Now that everything was out in the open, now that she knew exactly how Julianne's lips felt against her own, what was she going to do?

Everything had changed. She could feel it from the second she'd drifted back to consciousness. She had felt it in the second before they'd kissed, a shift, subtle, yet unquestionable. The entire framework of their friendship had been frantically altered by a simple declaration of love. There was no going back from that moment, no way to return to not-knowing.

Kris closed her eyes at the memory of Julianne's kiss. In that moment, she had lost every inhibition, every worry, every doubt. She had wanted to give everything of herself to Julianne, to rip open the fabric of her previously meaningless existence and pour its contents into Julianne's world. She had wanted to make Julianne see, to feel, the depth of her emotions. It had felt like dying and being reborn again, her entire body reeling from the shocks of pleasure coursing through her. It had been overwhelming, perfect, and terrifying; and she had wanted more.

And then everything changed.

They had stopped for half a second, a miniscule fraction of time, but long enough to bring reality crashing down around them.

What had happened? What had they just done?

Kris rolled over on the bed, and wiped her eyes, feeling completely overcome. It was one thing to admit she had feelings for Julianne, it was another to act upon those feelings. And now that she knew Julianne felt the same way, what did it mean? What would they do?

The sound of the doorbell interrupted Kris' thoughts, and her attention shifted to the sound of undecipherable voices. She could almost make out Julianne's, but couldn't hear what she was saying.

Kris wondered who else was downstairs. She was fairly certain she'd heard a male voice. And maybe another female's, she wasn't sure. She also wondered how long she could hide out in Julianne's bedroom before it became obvious that she was hiding.

After thinking it over for several minutes, she finally decided she really needed to get up. She blamed her bladder, and the fact that she couldn't avoid Julianne forever.

But maybe she'd wait a few more minutes.

"I brought you a copy of Red Like Me," Adrian announced, holding up the tape. "You can add it to your collection of movies you hate."

"It's really interesting," Karen commented. "Rachel loved it."

Julianne glanced over Adrian's shoulder toward the stairs. She was half anticipating, half-dreading Kris waking up. She knew they needed to talk, but it would have to wait until she returned from the premiere later that night. And she had no idea what she would say to Kris when she saw her.

Adrian turned around to see what Julianne was looking at. Seeing nothing, he turned back. "Um, Julianne. I'm over here." He waved the hand holding the tape.

Suddenly remembering she had company, Julianne's mind refocused on her guests. "I'm sorry?"

"Red Like Me," Adrian repeated, handing her the movie. "It's all yours."

Julianne stared at the tape in her hand, and then up at Adrian. "Thanks. But what the hell is Red Like Me?"

"My movie," he reminded her. "Apples? People?"

She stared at him blankly.

Adrian sighed. "The tomato movie."

Julianne finally remembered. She tried not to roll her eyes. She knew how important Adrian's insanity was to him. "Can't wait to see it." She turned to Karen. "So what am I doing today?"

"You're having lunch with Derek and his father, Steven, at noon. Then you've got an interview at two, which shouldn't take too long. There's a cast dinner at six. And the movie starts at eight. And then there's a party at the director's house."

Julianne sighed to herself. She was never getting home. "Okay."

"Isn't it great to be back in L.A.?" Adrian teased. "And Derek. Is that the guy you've decided to dump me for tonight?"

"He's like eight," Julianne informed him.

"That's sick, Jules. It's bad enough you're a lesbian. Now you're a pedophile, too?"

"Not funny," Julianne replied.

Adrian shrugged. "Can't win them all. So you're taking an eight-year-old to the movie? Isn't there like a big hot sex scene in there?"

Julianne shook her head. "No. I mean, we filmed it. You both remember that catastrophe. But the producers felt it would be best if the movie didn't stray too far from the show. So they cleaned it up."

"That sucks," Adrian said. "Will the DVD have the uncut scenes? Will there be an unrated version?"

Julianne ignored the question, and ventured a glance at the stairs again.

Adrian arched an eyebrow as he caught her staring over his shoulder again. "Julianne, what's going on with you?" Then comprehension dawned on him. "Ohhh, that's right. I forgot Kris came with you."

"Ooooooh! Where is she?" Karen asked, looking around.

Julianne wanted to kill them both. "Would you two shut up and try to act like mature adults?"

They glanced at each other. "Are we mature adults?" Adrian wondered.

"No, I don't believe we are," Karen answered. "So is that why you keep glancing at the stairs every two seconds?"

Adrian stared at her in surprise. "She's in your bedroom?"

"Please drop it."

"Does that mean there's something to drop?" Adrian asked.

Julianne started walking to the kitchen, and stopped in her tracks as she saw Kris enter the living room. Caught off-guard, it took Julianne a moment to react. "Good morning," she said, trying not to sound as awkward as she felt. She turned. "Kris, this is my assistant, Karen, and my occasional best friend, Adrian."

"Nice to meet you," Kris said. "I've heard a lot about you." She said it to both of them, but Julianne noted that her gaze never left Adrian.

Julianne glanced at Adrian, whose gaze was completely glued to Kris, and a surge of irrational jealousy took over. She instantly pushed it away. "Anyone hungry?"

"Starved," Kris answered, her gaze drifting back to Julianne. "But I should go take a shower."

"I'll make something while you do," Julianne told her.

Kris excused herself from her new acquaintances, her gaze lingering on Adrian far longer than necessary and disappeared down the hall toward the guestroom

Julianne gave Adrian a look that could bend metal.

"Whoa!" Adrian said, holding his hands up defensively. "I was just thinking she looks really familiar."

"You've seen her picture," Julianne reminded him, unsure of why she was overreacting.

Karen moved away from the line of fire and went to sit down on the couch.

Adrian approached Julianne. "I could've sworn I'd seen her before."

"I'm going to make breakfast," Julianne announced, unsure what to comment because she was unsure what she felt. "Want some?"

"No thanks," Adrian said, looking concerned.

"Karen, breakfast?" Julianne offered.

"Nope," Karen answered. "But, do you mind if I drool over your TV?"

"Go right ahead," Julianne answered. She went to walk away, but Adrian stopped her.

He was frowning. "What's going on?"

Julianne shook her head. "I have no idea," she said honestly. "I'm just really confused right now. And I think it's making me a little … insane."

"This is new?" Adrian teased, trying to lighten the mood.

Julianne bit her lip, and glanced at the hallway where Kris had gone. "We kissed last night."

Adrian's eyes widened. "What?"

"She told me she's in love with me."

Adrian stared at her in disbelief. "Since when?"

"I don't know," Julianne answered. "We kissed, and it was just … perfect. Only, then it got weird and awkward between us. And I asked her if she wanted to spend the night in my room, and she did. But we just went to sleep, or to pretend to sleep, and I … I don't know what all of this means. And now I have to get through today somehow, and I don't know how I'm going to manage that without going crazy."

"Yeah, it sounds like you definitely need to talk to her," Adrian agreed. "I'm bound to not be of great help at the moment. I'm still stuck on the kissing thing. I should really install cameras in this place."

Julianne stared at him. "You know, sometimes I wonder why I bother telling you anything at all."

"Behold the power of the thong," Adrian assured her. "No woman can resist it."

Julianne almost smiled at that, but then remembered her plight. "I don't know what to do."

"Isn't that always your problem?" Adrian asked. "And what do I always tell you?"

"Something about Playboy?" Julianne guessed.

"Ha," Adrian said dryly. "No, do what feels right."

Julianne sighed. "That's the problem, nothing feels completely right."

"One…two… three … four," Karen counted. She hesitantly put her thimble down. "Damn."

"Ha!" Adrian said. "Two thousand dollars, please."

Kris looked at Karen and smiled. "That's what you get for giving him Park Place."

"It seemed like a smart move at the time," Karen grumbled, counting out her Monopoly money. She mortgaged a few properties, sold three houses, and after much mumbling under her breath, gave Adrian his two thousand dollars. "It's okay. I'll get my hotels back, and then he'll be sorry."

Kris laughed, and rolled the dice. She moved safely into one of her own properties. "Whew," she said, relieved. She looked at Adrian as he took his turn. All day she'd been trying to figure out where she'd seen him before, but to no avail. Maybe it had been on television with Julianne. "So, who's this guy that Julianne is going to the premiere with?"

Karen and Adrian exchanged a look.

"It's, um, Derek," Adrian replied.

Derek. Kris tried to remember if Julianne had ever mentioned a Derek to her, but she couldn't recall. "Is he an old friend?"

They started laughing, and Kris looked at them in confusion.

"He's an eight year old friend," Karen told her.

Kris was a little confused. "She's known him for eight years?"

Adrian grinned. "No, he's just eight."

"Eight?"

"Eight," Karen confirmed, with a smile. "Derek's sister wrote Julianne a letter telling her that her little brother was sick. I'm not sure of the disease. Cancer, maybe. And Julianne wrote back to the parents offering to help with money for any treatment necessary, if it was needed. And that regardless, if Derek was feeling better at the time, that she would like him to be her date to the premiere of the movie. She sent four plane tickets along with the letter, so that the family could come along."

Kris smiled, falling in love with Julianne all over again. "That was really nice of her. Does Julianne do that kind of thing often?"

Adrian snorted.

Karen shrugged and looked down at the game board, taking her turn. "Julianne never even read her mail before."

"And she only started cause I made a deal with her," Adrian supplied.

"What kind of deal?" Kris asked curiously.

"Oh I just had to call this girl," Adrian answered. He seemed to think of something and paused. "Um, but anyway, I told her I would as long as she read three letters a week."

Kris frowned. "Why didn't she read them on her own?"

"Some theorists believe it's because she didn't have time to be bothered," Adrian answered. He glanced pointedly at Karen. "But I think it's because it was just easier for her to pretend not to care. She's always had issues with people not seeing who she really is, and I think reading mail from her fans was a like opening a bunch of little mirrors. She'd have to directly face how other people saw her."

Kris pondered that for a moment, not sure it made sense to her. "Does she read it now?"

"I don't know, I have about two boxes for her to take back to New York, if she wants," Karen said with a smile. "Most of it goes through her official fan club, and they just send back a picture with one of those stamped autographs. Oh, and it's your turn."

"Sorry," Kris apologized, and rolled. She drove her little metallic car into Boardwalk, and groaned. "Well, I'm officially out."

"I win," Adrian announced, holding up his fortune. "Oh, yes! Now, where can I exchange this for real money?" He brightened. "You know, when we play with Julianne, we should tell her to give us real money if she loses."

Kris laughed, and started helping to clean up the pieces from the game on the coffee table.

"We should get going," Karen announced. "I have to get back to Rachel."

Kris glanced over at Karen. "Who's Rachel?"

"My girlfriend," Karen answered. "She's depressed about my going off to New York. And I keep telling her, it's only for another month, while Julianne finishes filming, but she's still moping about it."

"You're going to New York?" Kris asked, unable to decide which comment surprised her more.

Karen nodded. "Yeah, it's very hard to be a long-distance assistant. But I was finishing off a screenwriting course, and Julianne was nice enough not to complain about my prolonged absence."

Kris was curious where Karen would be staying, but didn't ask. She also didn't understand what Julianne needed an assistant for. Julianne seemed to get along fine on her own. But Kris didn't mention that either. "I see," she finally said.

Adrian took the lull in the conversation as a sign to stand up. "Well, it was very nice meeting you, Kris," he said.

Kris rose as well. "Thanks for staying around to entertain me."

"Our pleasure," Adrian replied. He stared at her for a moment. "Um, listen, at the risk of it coming off as a pick-up line, have we met before?"

Kris smiled. "I had actually been wondering that myself. You look so familiar."

"Hm," Adrian said pensively. "It'll come to me."

Julianne fastened the microphone to her shirt and waited for the cue. As soon as it came, she put on her interview face, and turned her full attention to the person facing her.

"And welcome back to our Guardian: A Second Chance special. I'm sitting here with the star of the film, Julianne Franqui. How are you doing, Julianne?"

"I'm well, thank you," she answered. "How are you doing, Phil?"

"Fantastic," he answered.

Julianne wondered if anyone who actually used the word "fantastic" to describe their state of being was ever really "fantastic." She waited for him to continue.

"So, have you seen the film yet?" Phil asked.

"No, I haven't actually, I'm heading to the premiere tonight. I'm very excited about seeing the finished product."

"You're currently not filming any new episodes of the TV show. What have you been doing to keep busy during the hiatus?"

"I'm filming a movie called Summer's End, which I believe is due to come out at the end of next year."

"Are you enjoying that project?"

"I'm loving it. It's going to be a wonderful film."

"Well, I'm sure your fans are anxious for its release," Phil replied. "I have here some questions sent via email from some of your viewers."

"Okay," Julianne replied.

Phil held up a note card and said, "Jane Harvey, from Minnesota, would like to know if you're 'still dating that hunk Adrian Cruz'?"

Julianne forced herself to laugh, but the truth of the matter was that she was annoyed by the question. Why did people care about her love life? She was also unsure of what to say. It was one thing to pop the bubble of illusion that her mother and sister carried, but quite another to go public with the news.

And Kris? It had been less than twenty-four hours since they'd kissed, and already things were complicated. It would be a lot easier to hide her relationship with Kris if people still thought she was with Adrian. But were they even in a relationship? She could feel a headache coming on. "No, we're no longer together," she finally answered, deciding that even if the truth was more complicated, it still felt better than a lie.

"Well, Jane, if you're watching this, the hunk is now available," Phil joked.

This time, Julianne did laugh.

Kris walked through Julianne's house, observing every piece of furniture, every object. She loved the knowledge that everything there was purely Julianne. Or was it? Had she hired a decorator? Maybe Julianne had told her, but she couldn't remember. And in the end, it didn't really matter.

She felt sad, being there, unsure of where she stood with Julianne, or if she stood at all. Love was supposed to conquer everything, they'd told her, but was that true? She had never seen any evidence of it. All she had ever witnessed was evidence to the contrary. So, what had really been the point of telling Julianne how she felt? What was the point of getting excited over the fact that Julianne felt the same way?

In a month or two, Julianne would head back to California. She would go on to make her shows and movies, and Kris would return to selling paintings on the streets; to spending all of her time and energy studying to become something she already was.

It was silly, these feelings she carried. It was silly and insane to think anything could come out of it. They could never make it work.

But, still, all of these thoughts of logic and reason did nothing to erase the way she'd felt the moment she'd heard Julianne say 'I love you'. They could not change the way she still felt at the thought of Julianne, however innocent the thought. She wanted more. She wanted everything. She wanted to walk around that same house and not feel awkward or invasive. She wanted to ask Julianne every question she had ever wanted to ask but had been too shy to. She wanted to touch Julianne without being afraid that her touch would be unwelcome. She wanted an ending to all of this painful uncertainty.

Kris sat down at the bottom step of the long staircase, wondering if Julianne had changed her mind; fearing that everything she had ever wanted had appeared and then vanished, all the while, trying desperately to convince herself that she didn't care.

After the cast dinner, Julianne diligently went to pick up her date from the hotel he was staying at. She was already in love with the little boy, and she'd only met him for an hour. Lunch with Derek and his Dad had been pleasant, if a little stranger than she was used to. She had been thanked profusely for her help with Derek's treatment, and she thanked whatever deity was in charge of fate that of all the letters Karen could have chosen at random, it had been Jennifer's that landed in the three-letter pile.

She also had Adrian and his stupid agreement to thank. But mostly, Kris… Kris was at the root of all of this goodness.

As she'd arrived at the restaurant for the scheduled meal, it had occurred to Julianne that Kris should have been there. She had been so busy trying to avoid the awkwardness that she had forgotten what was important. How could she tell Kris she loved her, and then abandon her the next morning?

Starting tonight, something would have to change. It had already begun, this unconscious metamorphosis that had started the moment she'd received Kris' first email. Julianne had changed, she could feel it; but she was still the same. And that worried her.

In the hotel lobby, she watched the elevator doors open, and Derek and his father emerge. She smiled at them both. "You're welcome to come along," she said to the older man. "If you don't feel comfortable leaving Derek in my care."

Steven smiled. "Derek won't let me," he said with a laugh. "You two have fun. Have him back before midnight."

"It'll be closer to ten or ten thirty," she promised. She'd already decided to skip the party at the director's house. All she wanted was to sit through these agonizing two hours of watching herself perform, and then return home, to Kris.

Julianne smiled at Derek and offered her hand. "Ready?"

The little boy nodded and took her hand.

Julianne grinned to herself, feeling happy and giddy, if still petrified about what awaited her at her house. She glanced down at the grinning boy whose life she'd helped save, and felt assured, beyond anything else in this world, that fate did exist.

Kris played with the sand, letting it slide through her fingers. It was soothing, though she was growing restless and impatient by the passing of time. She'd had almost an entire day to contemplate her entire spectrum of emotion, and the only thing she'd managed to figure out was the fact that she loved Julianne.

And that was hardly news.

"Fancy meeting you here."

Kris' heart skipped a beat, and she turned her head to see Julianne walking up to her. "Hi," she said, feeling shy all of a sudden. In her mind, she'd known exactly what she would say the moment Julianne got home. But now she couldn't remember a single word of the extensive monologue she'd mentally written.

Julianne sat down, and Kris noticed for the first time, that she was carrying a bowl. "Hi," Julianne said back.

"What are you eating?"

"An experiment," Julianne declared, grabbing the spoon. She pointed at the contents in the bowl. "It's Cap'n Crunch Berries, Honey Nut Cheerios, and Kashi Go Lean."

Kris scrunched up her face in disgust. "Are you insane?"

"Want the first bite?" Julianne offered.

Kris shook her head, though now she was morbidly curious. "Are you really planning to eat that?"

"Why not?" Julianne asked. "I figure if they taste good separately, they should taste good together."

Kris smiled. "I'm sorry to say your logic isn't very well thought-out. What about pizza with ice cream?"

Julianne looked thoughtful. "You know, that doesn't sound half bad."

"Are you pregnant?" Kris demanded.

"I don't know, I guess it depends on how skilled you are at kissing," Julianne replied with a wink.

Kris wanted to smile, but the comment reminded her of everything they hadn't yet talked about. "How was your day?"

Julianne stared down at her bowl of assorted cereal. "It was okay," she said, playing with the cereal and the milk. She lifted a spoonful. "Do you think this will taste good?"

"Not even a little bit," Kris replied, and couldn't help but smile.

Julianne put the cereal in her mouth, and crunched thoughtfully. "Mmmm," she said, once she'd swallowed. "Not bad."

Kris was skeptic. "There's no way that tastes good."

"Delicious," Julianne said in between bites. "I should mix things together more often."

"And what led you to this new culinary discovery?" Kris wondered.

Julianne smiled. "Well, I realized I had no cereal this morning. So, I stopped to get some on the way back home. And I couldn't decide between your personal favorites and mine. So, I took one of each. And then I couldn't decide which one to eat. So I thought I'd try them all at the same time." She smiled. "Is that weird?"

"Very," Kris confirmed. But it was cute, too. She glanced away, knowing they had to talk about what had happened. "What are we doing?" she asked.

Julianne glanced at her. "Sitting at the beach."

Kris didn't crack a smile, or look at Julianne.

Julianne took that as a hint to be serious. "I think we're acting like idiots. But me, more than you, cause I should've known better than to panic."

"Panic?" Kris asked.

Julianne put the bowl of cereal aside and turned to face Kris. "Do you have any idea how long I've been in love with you?"

Kris froze at the words.

"Forever," Julianne said. "Since before we met in New York. Since before I bought that second painting from you. All of that time I'd been so convinced that nothing could ever happen between us that I never let myself wonder what would happen if it could. And last night something happened. And I panicked because I didn't know what it meant for me to be in love with you."

Kris thought about what Julianne had said for a moment. There were too many things to react to and it was hard to decide which one to focus on. But she decided to go with the one that really mattered. Anything else, she could sort through later, alone. "So, do you know now what it means for you to be in love with me?" The words sounded surreal to her. She still didn't quite understand how she'd come to a point where she could be saying these things to another person, to Julianne Franqui, of all people.

"I know what I feel," Julianne said. "But I don't know what you feel, or what you want."

Kris stared at her. "What do you want?"

"I want you," Julianne said.

Kris wanted to cry, both from happiness and fear, but she managed not to. There were still too many things left to talk about. "I haven't really come to terms with what it is I want. I mean, I know how I feel about you. But, what does it mean in terms of us? You're still Julianne Franqui. You're still famous and always in the public eye. We'd have to hide everything. I don't even know what to tell my parents. And your career… what if people find out? It'll be all over the news. Everyone will find out. Are you willing to risk that?"

"Are you?" Julianne asked softly.

"I don't have as much to lose as you, Julianne," Kris stated. She sighed. "But, the thought of my parents finding out. Knowing how they reacted to William…"

Julianne nodded, but fell silent.

"I don't want to make a mistake," Kris continued, feeling her heart break. Where was she going with this? Did she really want to break up with Julianne before there was even anything to break?

Julianne didn't respond right away. Finally, she asked, "Do you regret what happened last night?"

"No," Kris said quickly. "Do you?"

"I could never regret anything with you," Julianne answered.

Kris didn't know what to make of that comment. "What do you want to do?"

"I want to be with you," Julianne answered honestly. "But, not at the risk of making your life more complicated."

"What about your life?"

Julianne smiled. "My life is already complicated. You're more important than my petty fears."

Kris felt sad. If Julianne weren't famous this probably wouldn't be as complicated. "It's still your life, Julianne. It's going to be you whose life will be under a microscope constantly."

"They'd drag you down too."

"I have nowhere to get dragged down from," Kris said.

Julianne sighed. "So, what are you saying?"

Kris hesitated, unsure of how to proceed. "I'm saying that in spite of the fact that I'm completely terrified about what it would mean to both our futures, it doesn't change the fact that I'm totally in love with you."

Julianne stared at her. "I told my mom last night that I was in love with you."

"What?" Kris asked, shocked beyond belief. "When?"

"When you were waiting outside," Julianne answered. "I actually said the word 'dyke' to my mother."

Kris laughed, still not over the shock of Julianne's announcement. "What did she say?"

"Nothing, yet," Julianne answered. "I just dropped the bomb on her and left. I haven't heard from her, so she may still be standing there with her mouth hanging open."

"Wow," Kris said. She couldn't imagine coming out to her mother. But, thinking about what loving Julianne meant about her sexuality was a different matter entirely. One she wasn't completely ready to deal with. Somehow, love just seemed a lot easier to handle when one didn't think about all the little details that accompanied it.

"I'm really tired of living a lie," Julianne explained. "I'm tired of pretending every day of my life. I just want to be."

Kris smiled. "It sounds good in theory."

"I know," Julianne admitted. "But I'm willing to try."

Kris nodded, wondering how much trying that would take. "Do you think love is enough to make things work out?"

"Do you want to find out?"

There it was, the question she had been asking herself all day. Did she want to find out? Yes. But she was also afraid to. So it really just came down to figuring out what was more important: fear or love? She looked at Julianne, who was staring at her expectantly, maybe hopefully. "Yes," she said.

Julianne smiled. "Do you think we're insane?"

"Certifiably," Kris conceded, with a grin, feeling excited all over again. She was going to be dating Julianne Franqui. What in the world was she getting herself into? And why did it not seem to matter in the slightest bit?

Julianne stared at the ocean for a moment. "So, do you want to go watch a movie or something?"

Kris started laughing. "So is that it?"

"Were you expecting fireworks or something?" Julianne asked with a grin. "I could spend another hour professing my undying love for you, if you'd rather."

Kris considered. "Don't I get some kind of prize for being the one who finally won you over?"

"Um," Julianne pretended to think about it. "I'll share my creation with you." She held up the bowl of now soggy cereal.

Kris took it, and stared down at the big mess of gooey-ness. "Gross."

Julianne grinned. "You're beautiful even when you look totally disgusted."

Kris' heart skipped a beat. She wasn't yet used to hearing Julianne say things like that. "It's going to take a while to get used to this, isn't it?"

"Well, you don't have to eat it if you don't want to," Julianne teased. "It looks a little mushy."

"I meant us," Kris said with a smile.

"Probably," Julianne said.

Kris caught Julianne's gaze, and decided she wanted something besides cereal. "Can I trade this in for something else?" she asked, holding up the bowl.

"I don't know," Julianne said. "It took a lot for me to give you that." She tapped her chin thoughtfully. "Alright, but just this once." She took the bowl back, and held it protectively. "What would you like instead."

"I don't know, something else," Kris said, moving closer.

Julianne looked around. "Sand?"

"Um, nope," Kris said, her face inches from Julianne's.

Julianne glanced at her lips, then up at her face. "It's very distracting when you do that."

"Good," Kris said, with a grin.

"I'll give you some ocean water," Julianne whispered. "But that's my final offer."

"Guess I'll just have to take it then," Kris answered, brushing her lips lightly against Julianne's. "Unless you want to change your final offer?"

"You drive a very hard bargain, Miss Milano."

"Better get used to it."

And then, for the time being, all conversation ceased.

64.3 - Chapter 65

Mon, 28 Jul 2003 04:28:38 GMT

A friend of mine asked me to dedicate this update to her sweetie so, this is for someone special and precious, from her own private lovefool. :)
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Kris paced alongside the limo, feeling adrift in a sea of mixed emotions. How had she come to lose control? It was so unlike her, so terribly alien to her personality to speak her thoughts aloud. And yet, the words had come tumbling out of her mouth before she'd had a chance to stop them.

But it wasn't regret that she felt then, standing at the foot of majestic perfection. Glancing up at the tower of grandiosity which housed the key to her unveiling. It was something more specific than regret. She had entered the mansion with a sense of awe and fascination, and left it with a sense of pity so profound that it took her moments to define the emotion.

Kris now understood the balance of the world. She had been wrong in thinking it unfair that Julianne should have so much: beauty, fame, fortune. The superficial luxuries of life, so easy to mistake for blessings and endowments, now seemed to Kris as mere substitutes for the true miracles of being.

How could Julianne have survived so many years in the company of such cold indifference? It didn't seem fair that someone should be robbed the comforts of a loving home, however elegantly disguised between the folds of velvet ensembles and gold-rimmed perfection.

Anger replaced pity.

The ocean breeze stung her lips, and she licked away the salt, wondering for an instant if she was crying without realizing it. Despite her anger, the thought of facing Julianne filled Kris with dread. The fact remained that she had overstepped her boundaries at dinner, and the possibility that Julianne would be upset stood out firmly in Kris' mind.

The sound of footsteps caught Kris' attention, and she felt her breath catch.

"We should get out of here," Julianne said, in a tone that begged definition. It wasn't one that Kris had ever heard before.

Startled at the sudden apparition of the actress, Kris was rendered mute. Without a word, she followed Julianne into the limousine. They sat quietly, listening to the sounds of the engine starting, distracted by the suddenness of motion.

"I'm sorry," Julianne said, the words smooth and cool against the hardness of silence. "I didn't think it would get that bad."

Kris had been prepared for anything but an apology. Her mind failed to come up with an apt response.

Julianne glanced at her, then looked away. "I understand if you want to go back to New York."

The backward nature of the conversation threw Kris for a loop. Why would Julianne think she'd want to leave? "I'm the one who should be sorry," she finally said. "I didn't mean to insult your mother like that. It was completely rude and--"

"Well-deserved," Julianne finished, looking at Kris once again. "It is she who should feel sorry." She smiled. "I'd never seen you so forthcoming before. I should make you angry sometime."

Kris grinned, letting the sweetness of relief course through her. "I think it would be wiser if you didn't, Miss Franqui. Who knows what uncensored things might escape into the night?"

"Well, now my curiosity is peaked."

Kris smiled, feeling the overwhelming need to hug the actress. But she merely crossed her arms against her chest and settled back into the seat.

65

Julianne had missed the sound of the waves. She had missed the midnight walks down the shore; standing barefoot and carefree in the wet, slick sand; sinking with each footstep only to emerge and sink again. It was only in the presence of such factors that she realized what a huge part of her daily existence had been missing.

It felt nice, now, to sit in the quiet solitude of night, and stare, undisturbed, at the rhythmic pattern of the waves. She wanted to stay there forever, away from her mother, the public, her friends.

Away from Kris…

Julianne wondered how much longer she could last without confessing. Fear of losing Kris' friendship was starting to become more of an excuse than a reason. Would rejection be so bad? She could move on from that; to what, she wasn't sure, but it had to be better than letting her emotions fester away in a deep vault of longing. Anything had to be better than this.

Sighing, she leaned back on her elbows. She had always considered herself a confident person. All of her life she had gone after what she wanted, so why not this time? What was so terrifying about the word 'no'?

Kris had been watching Julianne for a while. It hadn't been her intention to run into the actress at the beach. They had both said their good nights. They were both supposed to be sleeping.

And Kris had tried. She had stared up at the ceiling, watching the darkness argue with the light. She had listened to the waves, attempting to find a rhythm that would soothe her. She had even counted 484 sheep before reaching the conclusion that sleep would never come.

So she had gone for a walk, and stumbled, quite unexpectedly, upon the form of Julianne Franqui. In a moment of irrational panic, she had hidden. And now she felt ridiculous, like a voyeur. Like a ridiculous voyeur.

Still, she didn't reveal herself. It was far too tempting to remain hidden, to observe Julianne in her natural sate, without having to worry about staring too hard or too long. Even if she felt a little creepy, looming in the shadows like a crazy stalker.

Kris wanted to be brave. She wanted to walk up to Julianne and tell her, flat out, that her feelings ran deeper than simple friendship. That she was desperate to kiss her, even though the thought was as terrifying as it was exciting. Kris wanted to let it all out, to confess it all. Maybe then, after the rejection that was sure to follow, she could move on. She was tired of driving herself insane with fantasies and what-if scenarios.

But she wasn't that brave. She could never say those things, even though she wanted to. Although, she would've never imagined saying the things she'd said to Julianne's mother. So, maybe there was a chance.

Kris let her attention drift back to the figure a few yards away. Life would be so much easier if people came with thought bubbles.

The footsteps startled her out of her thoughts. And she turned, surprised to find Kris walking toward her. She'd figured the artist was asleep. "How'd you know I'd be here?" she wondered.

Kris looked at her for a moment and then sat down. "What makes you think I was looking for you?" she teased.

"Couldn't sleep?" Julianne guessed.

"No," Kris admitted, staring out at the ocean. "I guess it's just been an overwhelming day."

Julianne nodded. Overwhelming indeed. She still hadn't figured out how she'd managed to come out to her mother. A part of her was still in denial about that. "Well, I guess this is a good spot for insomniacs."

Kris was silent for a while, and Julianne struggled to keep her gaze from falling on the artist's face.

"Do you miss all of this when you're in New York?" Kris asked, glancing over. "It's so peaceful compared to the City. Well, it's so peaceful in general, really."

"I do miss it," Julianne admitted. "But I'll be back here in a month or two."

"Oh," Kris said, with what Julianne thought was a hint of sadness. "I guess once you finish the movie you won't have a reason to stay in New York."

Julianne didn't know how to say that there was reason enough for her to stay. But that wasn't really the problem. "I have to come back and finish out the season of Guardian."

"Oh, right," Kris replied. "How much longer is the series running?"

"It could end this year," Julianne answered. "But they asked me to renew the contract for two more seasons."

"That should keep you pretty busy, then," Kris replied.

Yes, very busy indeed. More movies, more TV shows, more promotional tours, more interviews. What was even the point in telling Kris how she felt? Julianne didn't have time for a relationship. "I haven't signed the contract yet," she found herself revealing.

Kris glanced at her in surprise. "Are you debating whether or not to continue?"

Julianne didn't know how to answer that. The fact of the matter was that she'd had that contract in her possession for months. She'd discussed it with her lawyers. She had, in her mind, intended to spend the next two years in the role of Kiara. But she was hesitant. A very strong part of her didn't want to have that responsibility looming overhead. She wanted the option to do something else, or to do nothing at all. "Yes," she said finally. "Guess I am."

Kris nodded, but didn't ask for details. "I'll miss you when you leave," she said, smiling, if a bit sadly. "I've gotten used to having you around."

The words made Julianne's heart skip a beat. "I'm keeping the apartment," she said, though she hadn't fully decided on that until that moment. "I'll be back."

"Good," Kris said.

They felt silent for a long time, listening to the waves. Julianne was desperate to say something. But she wanted to come up with something that was more than a random waste of breath to fill the silence. She wanted to say something meaningful, something profound, something that would express, however minimally, the emotions coursing through her.

It bordered on painful, sitting there, inches away from the one person she longed for, and censor the only thoughts that really seemed to matter. Why was saying 'I love you' so difficult?

"Do you think it's weird?"

Julianne blinked, completely thrown by the question. "Do I think what's weird?"

"Us?"

"Us?" Julianne questioned.

Kris looked at her briefly before looking away. She pushed away the strands of hair blowing in her face and continued. "That we're friends."

"Is it weird to you?"

"Sometimes," Kris admitted. "When I remember who you are."

"And who am I?" Julianne wanted to know. She was suddenly intrigued by the turn in conversation.

"Julianne Franqui, TV and film star," Kris answered. "You know, when we were in the airport, I saw about three magazines with you on the cover. And two that just mentioned you. It felt very strange. Like I was caught in the middle of a very bizarre dream."

Julianne didn't know how to respond to that. What was Kris trying to say? "Does my fame bother you?"

Kris frowned and looked at the actress. "Bother me? It impresses me. I look around at all of this and I am so amazed." She shook her head. "It doesn't bother me, Julianne. But it makes me a little sad."

"Why sad?"

"Because," Kris began, "before I got to know you, all I had to go by was what I saw of you on TV. You were that two-dimensional figure that was easy to hate because you didn't seem real. And it saddens me that there are people out there that will want to bring you down. That will want to hurt you because even outside of your television or movie roles, you seem to them, still a character."

Julianne stayed silent, a lump in her throat. She didn't trust her voice to speak.

"I should tell you that I think you're wonderful," Kris continued. "And I think anyone in this world would be incredibly lucky to be with you."

Julianne stared into hazel eyes, made almost black by the darkness. She had to remind herself to breathe. She still couldn't speak. No one had ever said anything like that to her before. Not with such open sincerity. It made her heart ache. "Thanks," was her brilliant response.

"You're welcome," Kris replied.

This was her chance, Julianne realized. This was her opening. The moment to tell Kris everything, regardless of the consequences. Her heart was pounding so fast and hard that she could barely hear the waves above the noises in her chest. She wanted to think of the right words. She wanted to be clear that she didn't expect anything, and that nothing would change. She wanted, merely, to feel hope, if only for the brief second before Kris' reaction. It was that moment she was craving, the simple taste of something besides this bitter need.

"Julianne," Kris said suddenly. "What is it you're looking for? In someone else, I mean."

Had she let the moment pass, Julianne wondered, feeling both relieved and disappointed that it was Kris who had spoken. "In what sense?"

"Why did you stop seeing Naomi?" Kris asked softly.

Julianne frowned at the question, unsure of what to answer. The truth came easily to her mind, but she found it impossible to voice it. "I didn't have feelings for her."

"But why?" Kris said, turning to face Julianne. "What about her wasn't what you were looking for?"

Julianne felt like a coward. She was tired of dancing around the questions, tired of avoiding the truth. "She wasn't you," she said, and for a second wasn't sure she'd actually spoken the words.

Kris stared at her for a long moment, which felt, to Julianne, like an eternity. "She wasn't me?" she asked hesitantly, as if afraid that she'd heard incorrectly. Or maybe afraid that she had heard correctly. Julianne couldn't be sure.

"Yes," Julianne answered simply, tearing her gaze away from Kris' eyes. She didn't want to see what she'd find there. A part of her wanted to cry. She felt such an overwhelming combination of fear and relief at that moment that she didn't know what to do with the emotions. She risked a glance at Kris and found the artist staring at her. "Are you freaked out?" she asked, trying to keep her tone light, in spite of the fact that she was terrified.

"Just shocked," Kris answered. "And, I think… confused."

"About?"

"What you're trying to say," Kris answered.

Julianne felt something inside her give up. "It doesn't matter," she said, looking away. "I should get some sleep."

Kris didn't answer right away. But finally, she said, "Okay."

Disappointed, Julianne stood up, and brushed away the sand from the back of her pants. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

Kris glanced up at her and nodded. "Of course."

"Good night, Kris," Julianne said.

"Good night."

Julianne almost hesitated, wanting to say something else. Maybe she hadn't been clear enough, maybe she should say more. But what was the point? She had been dumb to think that admitting her feelings would change anything.

Resigned, she waved to Kris and headed toward the house.

Kris watched Julianne until the actress disappeared inside. What had just happened? One second she was working up the nerve to tell Julianne how she felt, and the next she was completely frozen.

She wasn't you…

The words replayed in Kris' mind until she thought her heart would fly out of her chest. Julianne had feelings for her. Julianne had feelings for her and Kris had let her go to bed. "I'm such an idiot," she said, thinking back to how she had reacted. She would've kicked herself if she wasn't so overwhelmed.

She had to go find her.

Somehow, she stifled the urge to run as she started after Julianne. She had to think clearly. She had to plan some sort of monologue. An apology for her recent stupidity might not be out of place, either.

Oh God, Julianne has feelings for me.

The realization of what that meant nearly knocked her off balance. She thought she might explode from the sheer overload of feelings.

But she resumed her steps, entering the house, and heading toward the stairs to the second floor. She felt like she was walking in slow motion. She felt like she was caught in a wonderful dream that was soon about to end. She wanted this moment to last forever, because she was terrified of the one that would follow.

She hadn't planned for anything that wasn't rejection. The notion that Julianne might feel the same way had merely lingered in the background with all of the other hopes and dreams that she wouldn't let herself think about. So, how could she know what to do?

She paused in front of Julianne's bedroom door. She could see a beam of yellow light escaping through the crack at the bottom, and the knowledge that Julianne was at the other side of this wooden barrier filled Kris with a longing so profound it made her want to cry.

After swallowing several times, she willed her hand to knock. And then she waited, dreading each second that passed, knowing any second now she'd be faced with a decision.

The doorknob turned; the beam of light grew bigger and bigger, until it was eclipsed by Julianne's body standing in the doorway. Kris stared hesitantly into confused blue eyes, and felt all of her doubts and reservations slip away. "If I tell you I'm in love with you, will it freak you out?" she asked, thinking that moment surreal. She could feel her heart hammering in her chest. She wasn't certain she was breathing.

Julianne stared at her as if she couldn't decide if Kris was real or not. "What?" she asked finally.

Kris stepped closer as if guided by an invisible force that filled her with a courage she never knew she possessed. She glanced briefly at Julianne's lips, wanting nothing more than to feel them against her own. She looked back up at Julianne's eyes, and saw a flash of something unrecognizable. "I love you," Kris said softly, hoping it would get through this time, trying, desperately, to cling to the hope that Julianne still meant what she'd said on the beach.

"Kris…" Julianne said, her voice uncertain.

"You don't have to say it back," Kris said, quickly, afraid that she had said too much. "I just wanted you to know." She started to step back, but Julianne took her hand. Kris wasn't sure how she hadn't had a heart attack yet. She was certain that what her heart was doing at that moment wasn't healthy. Kris glanced down at their hands, unsure of what to make of the gesture, unsure that any of this was even really happening. Tentatively, she stared up into blue eyes, and waited.

Julianne was panicking. Her entire brain had frozen the second Kris had begun to speak. There were so many things she wanted to say; to ask, but she was rendered mute by the impact of the moment.

So many things were happening inside her mind at one time that she didn't know where to begin. She wanted to go back, to examine every memory for evidence that what Kris was telling her was true. Julianne wanted to sit down and break apart each seemingly inconsequential moment, to find the buried fragments of dismissed phrases, the tossed-out pieces of unimportant words. How much had been apparent? How much had she ignored?

"Please say something," Kris said.

Julianne snapped out of her thoughts, suddenly aware that she was holding Kris' hand; unsure of how that had happened. She stared down at their intertwined fingers, trying to buy time. She was uncertain of what to say; what to do; how to act. "You're … you …"

Kris offered her a half smile. "Do you have trouble without a script, Miss Franqui?" she teased.

Julianne didn't know whether to laugh or cry. She glanced down at their hands again, and then at Kris' face. 'I love you' just didn't seem like enough to convey what she was feeling. How could three words express all of the nights and days and hours, minutes, seconds, spent fantasizing over this moment, while feeling, all of the while, that it would never come?

There were no words, at all. There was only the silence filled with shortened intakes of breath. There were only the occasional muted sounds of something indistinct and undecipherable, barely audible above the intensity of the moment. There was only the act of opening a door to find everything she had ever wished, and hoped, and prayed for, standing in the doorway.

She caught Kris staring at her lips, then look away as if embarrassed. Julianne's heart raced, and skipped, and pounded; she felt her entire body both tremble and freeze. Time lost all meaning, all existence. Julianne became aware only of the fact that Kris' lips looked so beautiful, and soft, and incredibly inviting. And though they were only inches from her own, they seemed like miles away.

It was Kris' turn to catch her staring, and their gazes locked for a split second before fading behind closing eyelids. Julianne lost track of whether or not she was breathing, noticing only the heat of Kris' body pressing slowly against hers. She lowered her head and her lips brushed against softness so sweet, she almost pulled away from the onslaught of emotion.

She felt Kris' body stiffen, then relax into her, pulling her closer. Their lips met briefly, came apart for a split second, before meeting again. Julianne's entire body felt ready to explode with sensation. She thought she might melt, or become consumed by the simple pleasure of feeling Kris' mouth moving against her own.

Kris pressed into her, moaned against her lips, kissed her deeper, until Julianne thought she might pass out. Her entire body screamed and trembled and burned with a wonderful heat that spread through every fiber of her being. She let it wash over her like a tidal wave of immeasurable bliss, and surrendered completely to the moment, until finally, after what felt like a century spent in a blink of an eye, she pulled her lips away, and whispered, "I love you, too."

------------------------------------------------------------------
TBSOL will be concluded on August 4th.

64.1 -64.2

Mon, 23 Jun 2003 06:47:24 GMT

Kris had never seen a house so beautiful up close. She’d been watching it attentively from her seat in Julianne’s limousine. The closer they got to it, the more breathtaking it became. Kris felt a lump in her throat at the realization that this was her destination. It seemed too beautiful to be real. She turned to look at Julianne, to share her thoughts, but the actress was in the middle of what sounded like an important conversation.

Not wanting to intrude, Kris leaned her head against the window and lost herself in the images flying past. It felt almost like a fairy tale, being in Julianne’s world. Manhattan seemed so far away at that instant. It was as though she had stepped into an alternate reality, and this was now her life. She lifted her head, glancing at Julianne for a moment before returning her gaze to the outside world.

Except, it wasn’t her life. She was fully aware of that. This was just a snippet, a peek at something outside of her sphere of existence. She was merely getting to taste a free sample of success.

“Ah, home sweet hell,” Julianne laughed, leaning against Kris to look out of the window.

Kris loved the heat of Julianne’s body. She wanted to lean into it, to feel more. Why did simple contact feel so complicated? “It’s beautiful,” Kris said, trying to concentrate on the scenery.

“It’s pompous and pretentious,” Julianne said. “They always have the lights on in all of the windows so it looks more majestic. My mother’s idea.”

“Sounds like a large electric bill,” Kris said, though she couldn’t even imagine how large.

Julianne sat back, reclaiming her previous spot near the opposite window. “I don’t think my mother has ever seen a bill.”

Kris noted that Julianne’s tone was more matter-of-fact than judgmental. She wondered if Julianne herself had ever looked at a bill. It didn’t seem likely, given Julianne’s smooth transition from spoiled rich kid to super stardom. Luck seemed unevenly distributed among the masses.

The limousine rolled to a stop, and the chauffeur stepped out to open the door for them. Once outside, Kris stared up at the mansion with an uneasy feeling. She had no idea what to expect. But she wanted to meet Julianne’s family; she wanted to see, first hand, what Julianne grew up with.

“Ready?” Julianne asked.

Kris glanced up at her and offered a brief smile. “I don’t know. Are you?”

“Never,” Julianne replied. She glanced up at the house and sighed. “Let’s get this over with. Whatever you do, don’t look directly into my mother’s eyes.”

Kris smiled, relaxing slightly, and followed Julianne toward the front door. Before they had a chance to knock, a woman who looked like an exact replica of Julianne, if quite a bit older and with short hair, opened the door.

“Opening doors now, mother?” Julianne commented. “That’s new. I didn’t think you knew how.”

Julianne’s mother didn’t reply, her gaze on Kris.

Kris shifted uncomfortably under the woman’s intense gaze, but didn’t look away. She didn’t want to appear intimidated.

After a few seconds, blue eyes shifted to Julianne’s. “Are you going to introduce your guest, Julianne? Where are your manners?”

“Mother, this is Kris. Kris, this is my mother.”

“You may call me Susan,” her mother said, turning her back to them and starting into the house. “Your father is caught in a meeting. He won’t be joining us.”

Kris glanced at Julianne with a raised eyebrow.

“After you,” Julianne indicated with a wave of her arm. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

Kris smiled and stepped into the grand foyer. If the woman wanted attitude, Kris would show her attitude.

*****

Julianne listened to the clattering of silverware against the bottom of plates. The noise, while rhythmic, only served to grate at her nerves. She wanted to take Kris’ hand and lead her friend out of there. It was too quiet. The lack of conversation bothered her.

Finally, it was Julianne’s sister that broke the silence. “So what happened with Adrian?”

Susan glanced up from her plate, seemingly torn between telling Jan to be quiet, and genuinely curious to know Julianne’s response. She opted for curiosity. “Yes, Julianne, what did happen?”

Julianne could feel all eyes watching her; her mother’s, Jan’s, and even Kris’. She didn’t want to lie in front of Kris. She didn’t want to pretend anymore, or formulate any more stories to conceal the truth. But what would admitting the truth accomplish? “I’m not in love with him,” she finally answered.

“So who are you in love with?” Jan asked.

The question made Julianne freeze. She didn’t know how to answer it without lying. “What makes you think I’m in love with anyone?” she countered, trying to stall, hoping the question would dissipate into nothingness.

Jan shrugged. “Are you?”

“Guess you’ll have to tune into Entertainment Tonight just like everyone else,” Julianne replied.

Resigned, Jan turned to Kris. “Mom was sure you were Julianne’s new boyfriend,” she informed. “She had the staff cleaning the entire house in preparation of your arrival.”

Susan cleared her throat, clearly embarrassed by her daughter’s revelation. “So, Kris, are you in the film with Julianne?”

Kris appeared momentarily thrown by the sudden attention. “No, I’m an art student at NYU. My roommate is in the film, though.”

“Kris is a very talented artist,” Julianne supplied, jumping at any chance to boast about her talents.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” Jan asked curiously.

“Is that all you ever think about?” Julianne asked, annoyed by her sister’s questions.

Jan ignored Julianne and focused her attention on awaiting Kris’ response.

Kris shook her head slightly and said, “I did. But we broke up.”

“Why?” Jan asked.

“None of your business!” Julianne snapped.

“Julianne,” Susan chastised.

Jan looked annoyed. “I’m free to have a conversation with your friend if I want to. You don’t own her. She’s perfectly welcome to tell me to shut up whenever I cross the line.”

Frustrated and more than a little angry, Julianne tightened her jaw, but didn’t say anything. Jan was right, as much as she hated to admit it. Kris was fully capable of taking care of herself.

“I wasn’t in love with him,” Kris answered, if only to put a stop to the quarreling.

“Seems to be going around,” Jan commented, glancing at Julianne.

“It can’t be easy,” Susan interjected, “being an artist in New York.”

Kris shrugged. “It’s not really easy being anyone anywhere.”

Susan stared at Kris for a moment. “Well, I suppose you would know about struggle. I have always admired your people.”

Julianne snapped her head to look at her mother. She stared, disbelieving.

Kris calmly took a sip of her drink and looked at Susan. “What people would that be?”

Susan waved her hand in a circular gesture as if to indicate that by ‘people’ she meant one giant entity: the all-encompassing minority. “Hispanics. I watch it on TV all of the time. Those poor people getting rescued from their rafts.” She shook her head and took a sip of wine. “Frankly, I can’t imagine how they manage it. Did your family arrive here by such means?”

Julianne blinked.

Jan stifled a laugh.

Kris smiled. “Yes, of course. Us Puerto Ricans escape the island by raft all of the time.”

“So it’s a common thing in your culture then?” Susan wondered. “Amazing what people get used to.”

Julianne wanted, desperately, to bang her head against the table, and pray that this was all a bad dream. She had known that her mother was evil, but ignorant and stupid, too? “They’re a commonwealth, mother. I’m certain airplanes are a tad more convenient.”

Susan absorbed this information from behind her glass of wine. Her blue eyes darted to Kris and narrowed slightly. It was clear to Julianne that her mother did not appreciate being corrected by her daughter. Especially when it resulted in personal embarrassment. It was also clear to Julianne, that Kris’ sarcasm was equally unappreciated. “Seems unfair, then, that affirmative action would still include you as a participant, no? Puerto Ricans must feel very high and mighty, having the best of both worlds.”

The humor left Kris’ eyes. “What seems unfair, ma’am, is that your idiocy is allowed to take residence in such a beautiful home as this. I’m certain that the size of this mansion is in compensation for the size of your brain.”

Jan burst out laughing but hid it with a large, dramatic cough.

Susan’s mouth hung open slightly, then shut quickly. Unable to reply, she took another sip of wine.

Julianne cleared her throat, mostly to keep from laughing herself. Kris had told off her mother. Kris. She was nearly giddy with amusement, and slightly frozen from the shock. “Well, thanks for dinner, mother,” she said, rising. “Kris and I have some matters to attend to.”

Kris rose as well, her gaze cast downward, as if she were just now realizing that she, Kris Milano, had just called Julianne Franqui’s mother, stupid.

“Julianne,” Susan said sternly, yet with an eerie calm. “Could I speak to you privately?”

It wasn’t really a question. Julianne glanced quickly at Kris. “I’ll meet you in the limo.”

Thankful that she got to wait outside, Kris nodded, and started toward the front door. She turned around, only, to offer a polite nod to Jan.

Julianne watched Kris leave and then, resigned, followed her mother into the next room.

“I don’t want you anywhere near that … that…” Her mother’s voice trailed off, anger replacing her cool demeanor.

“Her name is Kris,” Julianne said, starting to get angry herself. She couldn’t believe the things her mother had said. “Rafts, mother?”

“She should feel thankful she didn’t need one,” Susan retorted. “Those people are never appreciative. We allow them in our country and all they do is complain.”

“Do you hear yourself?” Julianne demanded.

Susan shrugged her slender shoulders. “I donate to their charities. I know what goes on. And that … whatever she is, is never allowed in this house again.”

“Like she’d want to come back!” Julianne yelled.

“Julianne, I’m not going to say this again. I don’t want you associating with such low-class filth!”

Julianne had never felt so angry in her life. The nerve of her mother! How dare she! “You no longer get to dictate my life.”

“I’m not speaking about your life, Julianne,” Susan said, her voice returning to calm, comforted by the knowledge that she’d make Julianne lose her cool. “Don’t get dramatic.”

“Kris is my life,” Julianne answered, not even shocked by the easy way the words slipped from her lips.

Susan didn’t even blink. “Stop speaking nonsense.”

“It’s not nonsense, mother,” Julianne replied, her anger fueling her courage. “It’s the truth. I’m gay. A queer, dyke, whatever you wish to call me. And I’m in love with Kris. Deny it, accept it, I don’t give a damn.” With that, she turned on her heels and headed toward the nearest exit.

63.3

Tue, 10 Jun 2003 04:03:25 GMT

Julianne paced around her living room, feeling frustrated and anxious. Why did she return her mother's phone calls? It seemed silly now, though it had seemed like a good idea at the time. "I can't come over for dinner tonight," she insisted for the third time in ten minutes.

"You have yet to provide me with an apt excuse, Julia," her mother replied.

Julianne closed her eyes, knowing that her mother now had the upper hand. She never called Julianne by her real name unless she was reaching her boiling point. "I have a guest," she ventured to say hoping that perhaps that served as a proper reason for skipping dinner.

"What kind of guest?"

"A friend from New York," Julianne answered. "Kris," she added, if only because she liked the sound of the artist's name on her lips.

"Are you cheating on Adrian already?"

The question was so unexpected that Julianne was speechless for a few seconds, until she realized that her mother probably assumed that Kris was a man. "Adrian and I aren't a couple any more," she answered. "I forgot to tell you."

"Is that so? Well, I hope this 'guest' of yours is worthy of your time."

Julianne found herself smiling. "More than worthy."

"Dinner starts promptly at seven," her mother answered.

"But, Kris-"

"The invitation is for two," her mother said, curtly. "Call it morbid curiosity."

Julianne didn't like the sound of that. Kris deserved better than to be a 'morbid curiosity'.

"I'm going to hang up now, Julianne. You know being on the phone too long gives me a headache. Please be on time."

"Kris is a vegetarian," Julianne blurted, feeling resigned.

"I'll inform the cook. See you tonight."

"Bye." Julianne waited for her mother to hang up first, then shut off her phone. Dinner was bound to be a nightmare. She turned around to find Kris looking at the view outside. It was strange how one person could make her feel both jarred and peaceful all in the same instance. Was love always so conflicting?

Kris looked away from the windows as Julianne approached. "Is my being a vegetarian a hot topic of conversation these days?" she asked. Then shook her head. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to eavesdrop."

Julianne looked outside for a moment, at the ocean and the sky, feeling momentarily panicked by the concept of Kris meeting her family. "Would you be at all interested in attending dinner at my parents' house?"

She looked slightly shocked, but tried to cover it. "I'd love to."

"I must warn you that they are evil people," Julianne said, her tone light, though she meant the words. "My mother and sister, especially. They make Satan cower."

"I'm sure you're exaggerating," Kris replied with a grin.

Julianne shrugged, giving up. "You'll see. I apologize in advance for the traumatizing experience you'll probably go through."

"Are you trying to scare me?" Kris asked good-naturedly.

"Is it working?" Julianne asked hopefully.

"No," Kris answered after a moment of consideration. "I think now I'm just morbidly curious."

Julianne flinched, recalling her mother's wording. There was something disturbing about her mother and Kris using similar phrasing. Or maybe it was fitting to the occasion. Only tonight's events would tell. "Funny you should say that."

"Why?"

"Apparently, my mother feels the same way about meeting you," Julianne admitted.

This seemed to confuse Kris, who frowned slightly. "Why would she be morbidly curious to meet me?"

Julianne shrugged. "Probably because genuine interest in anything besides money and gossip eludes her. Plus the fact that she probably thinks we're dating. And that you're a guy."

"Well that's a nice twist," Kris replied, smiling. "Does that mean you want me to show up to dinner in drag?"

The thought made her smile. She couldn't imagine what her mother's reaction to that would be. "I think I like you better like this, actually."

"You think?"

"Well I haven't seen you in drag yet to compare," Julianne teased.

"Good point," Kris conceded. "So, why would your mother think we were dating?"

"Well, I didn't really correct her when I suspected that's what she assumed…" Julianne wasn't sure what Kris would make of that admission.

"Are you trying to give your mother a heart attack, Julianne?" Kris asked. "Cause if you are, and she really is as evil as you say, I'd gladly pretend to be your girlfriend for the evening." She winked.

Julianne wanted to laugh at the idea, but it was hard to ignore the pang of disappointment that accompanied hearing the word 'pretend.' "She really is that evil. But, I suppose there's no need to kill the woman." She smiled.

Kris smiled back, but didn't say anything, her attention once again on the view outside.

Julianne tried not to stare, tried not to focus on the emotions coursing through her. If she'd had any ounce of courage, she would've told Kris that she didn't want her to pretend to be anything. That she'd take the real thing any day. But how could she put into words this emotional desperation she was lost in? "Are you hungry?" she asked.

"Not really," Kris replied, glancing at Julianne. "My nerves are a little wired from all of the excitement."

It was often the case that Julianne would have to step outside of herself, and into Kris' shoes in order to understand what Kris was trying to say. It was easy to forget that her life was not ordinary. It worried her, trying to figure out how they could fit in each other's world, if it was even possible to merge them. This friendship between them, how long could it last?

"Julianne?"

The actress looked at Kris, momentarily startled. "Sorry?"

There was concern in the hazel eyes. "Are you alright?"

"Just a lot on my mind," she replied.

Kris nodded. "Are you nervous about the premiere?"

The premiere? Julianne had nearly forgotten that's the reason she was there. "Um, partly," she answered, though it was the least of her concerns. "Do you want to go down to the beach?"

Kris' eyes lit up at the suggestion. "I'd love to. I haven't been to the beach in ages."

Strange the things one takes for granted when living by the sea. But Julianne was secretly pleased that she could make Kris happy. She loved her enthusiasm and her appreciation of the things that Julianne barely noticed she had. It made Julianne want to take notice. It made her want to wrap everything up with a big red bow and hand it over to Kris.

Maybe. Maybe some day. She liked to pretend there was hope.

63.1 & 63.2

Tue, 06 May 2003 04:55:56 GMT

Julianne stared at the clouds outside of the airplane window, wondering how anything could look so unmistakably solid, seem so undeniably present, and still be like nothing at all. She was growing tired of illusions. Was anything ever simple in this world of smoke and mirrors? Or was it all just a matter of finding peace amidst the doubt.

"You seem pensive."

Julianne turned her attention away from the window and gazed into curious hazel eyes. "Did you have a nice nap?" she asked.

Kris nodded and let out a yawn. "I didn't get much sleep last night. Traveling jitters, I guess." She glanced around the jet. "It's kind of weird not flying with hundreds of other people."

"Would it make you feel better if I sat behind you and kicked your chair?" Julianne wondered. "I don't want to rob you of the experience."

"Maybe on the flight back," Kris replied in mock seriousness. "I wouldn't want you to go out of your way for my convenience."

Julianne grinned, and relaxed into the seat. In spite of all of the mixed emotions regarding her friendship with Kris, she was content at that moment. And maybe that was all that mattered in the end.

"So what were you thinking?" Kris asked suddenly. "When you were staring out of the window."

The question caught Julianne off-guard, and she struggled to find a quick way to get out of answering. But it was stupid, she realized, to edit herself so frequently. Did she really need to paint a perfect portrait of herself for Kris' benefit? If her feelings for this woman were real, then why couldn't she just be honest? "Um," she said, looking out of the airplane window again, as if the answers were floating alongside the airplane. "I was just watching the clouds. Thinking that they're deceptive."

Kris watched her carefully, her gaze drifting to the window then back again to Julianne's eyes. "Why deceptive?"

Julianne felt incredibly ridiculous admitting her meandering thoughts. She instantly regretted having gone with the truth. It made her feel vulnerable. "I was just being silly," she answered, hoping it was enough to deter the topic. "Are you thirsty?" she added.

"No," Kris responded. She glanced out of the window again. "Why deceptive?" she asked again.

The actress sighed quietly, then gave up trying to avoid the question. "Switch seats with me," she said suddenly.

"What?"

"Switch," Julianne said again. "If I'm going to explain then you need a better view."

Kris seemed confused but switched seats with Julianne without further question. Once she was settled in the window seat, she glanced expectantly at the world outside. "What am I looking at?"

"I don't know. What do you see?"

"Clouds," Kris answered automatically, looking back at Julianne. "Will the questions get harder as we go along?"

Julianne smiled. "What do they look like? And if you say 'clouds' I'm going to tickle you mercilessly when we get to California."

A raised eyebrow was Kris' response, before turning back to the window. "Was that a threat, Miss Franqui?"

"Maybe."

Kris smiled, but didn't reply. Instead, she took a deep breath and focused on trying to decipher what Julianne was trying to get her to see. "They remind me of cotton candy," she said finally.

"Why cotton candy?" Julianne wondered.

"Just the texture. They look soft."

"And edible?" Julianne teased.

Kris laughed. "You're not answering my original question."

"Why are clouds deceptive?" Julianne shrugged and nodded to the window. "I invite you to try and test your cotton candy theory."

Kris thought about it for a moment and smiled. "I see. But why is that important?"

"What?"

"Why is their not being what they appear to be important to you?"

Julianne realized that was Kris' real question, and that was a harder one to explain. Or maybe not. Maybe nothing was ever really hard to explain unless you wanted to skid around the truth. "Because nothing ever is," she told her.

"Important?"

"No, what it appears to be."

Kris considered that. "Maybe you just have to look closer."

******

"Oh, my God, this is beautiful," Kris breathed, as she stepped inside Julianne's house. Her gaze immediately flew to the glass windows across from her. She could almost see the ocean from where she was standing. She tore her eyes from the view and looked around. Everything was so … bright.

It was strange to look outside and see endlessness, instead of the usual shadows cast by buildings overhead. It made her feel like she was standing in the foyer of a palace. Or at least something out of an episode of MTV Cribs.

"You like?" Julianne asked, looking around. "It's not much."

At first, Kris thought that Julianne was being sarcastic, but then realized she wasn't. Julianne actually sounded unsure, self-conscious even. She glanced around again, amazed that two people could look at the same thing and see something totally different. "Well, I'm a little disappointed that the walls aren't lined with diamonds. And I suppose gold-trimmed tiles wouldn't hurt either."

"Your sarcasm is duly noted, Miss Milano," Julianne replied. "May I show you to your quarters?"

Kris gasped in mock surprise. "There's no butler?"

Julianne rolled her eyes and started walking.

"How about a maid?" Kris continued, following her hostess toward the living room. She paused to look at the view a little closer. The beach was right below. "This is like a dream house. I can't believe you live here."

Julianne turned around and glanced at Kris seriously. "You can stay here whenever you want, for as long as you'd like. Even if I'm not here."

Kris looked at the actress and smiled. "What fun would that be?" she asked. "But thanks." She followed Julianne to the guest bedroom and dropped down her stuff. "It has a balcony?" Kris walked across the room and slid open the glass doors that led to the small balcony. Warm, salty air instantly brushed against her face as she stepped outside. She stared at the view of the ocean ahead. "I'm marrying your house."

"You could just as easily marry me," Julianne replied. "I promise the sex would be better."

Kris' heart leapt up her throat. She could feel her entire body responding to those words. She's kidding. Laugh. She laughed, trying not to sound as nervous as she felt. What do I say to that?!

Thankfully, Julianne changed the subject. "I'll let you get settled. Come find me when you've gotten bored of the view."

"That might be never," Kris answered, with a slight smile. She wasn't kidding either. She could easily stare at the ocean forever.

"Then I'll find you, when I get bored of waiting." Julianne winked and walked away, leaving Kris alone with the Pacific Ocean.

Kris smiled and leaned against the railing, feeling the breeze in her hair. She willed herself not to think about anything; not the way that Julianne looked when she smiled or moved or breathed. Or the way her voice sounded when she talked or laughed or whispered. Kris didn't want to think about the way her body tingled when Julianne's was near, even when they weren't even touching.

Kris wanted, merely, to exist, peacefully, at that moment, without the complications of emotions, and strange body responses. Marry her? Better sex? Jesus. She's trying to kill me.

She stared at the water for a few minutes longer, then went back into the room. She hadn't really noticed it before, having been distracted by the balcony. The walls were a light shade of blue, with framed black and white photographs of unfamiliar landscapes lined across them. There was a double bed, neatly made, and a dresser with a mirror. Kris wondered how many guests Julianne usually had. She couldn't imagine that there would be many.

Kris took a deep breath and sat at the end of the bed, debating on whether to unpack or meet back up with Julianne. It was silly that she was already missing the actress when they hadn't been apart for more than fifteen minutes. For the sake of stubbornness, she decided to unpack. She was sure that Julianne wanted some time to settle in.

Chapter 63

Sun, 06 Apr 2003 01:45:59 GMT

Wednesday, 1:02am

Life felt more serious when cloaked in silence.

She watched the glowing numbers on the alarm clock, seemingly brighter in the darkness of the room. What she wanted was to close her eyes and surrender. She wanted to ignore the way time passed slowly, only when she remembered it was there.

But her mind was oblivious to her wishes. It was a mirror reflecting what she felt, but not controlling how she felt it. And her thoughts projected light onto the silver screen of unwanted consciousness: forcing her to think, forcing her to feel …demanding her attention.

Julianne stared at the paintings on the wall, now dark and grotesque in the presence of shadows: strange how beauty was so easily distorted by the absence of light. She was growing tired of darkness … of the pain.

Mistakenly, she had assumed that she could control it. She couldn't remember the moment when she'd felt herself falling, and let go. But she blamed it on the silence: the pauses, the comas, the breaths between words. All of those moments too intangible to mention had somehow convinced her that she could take on the night.

And now she realized why she had always opted for solitude. Until now, she hadn't had a clue what it meant.

Wednesday, 1:46am

Cons:
- Disowned by family
- No legal marriage (Vermont?)
- No kids (adoption, artificial insemination?)
- Sin?
- Hiding
- Shame
- Fear

Pros:

Kris stared at the computer monitor and sighed. Were there any pros to being gay? She couldn't think of any. "God, this is depressing," she muttered, closing down the Word document. Society sure didn't make it easy. How did Mark and William get up in the morning? Or Julianne for that matter.

Julianne…

She eyed the telephone by her bed. Was the actress asleep? Probably. It was nearly two in the morning. Then again, she wasn't altogether sure that Julianne ever slept. Still, if she called, the possibility stood that she would say things she didn't want to say.

Then again, if she didn't call, she would have to spend the rest of the night wondering if Julianne was still awake. Then at some point, the fantasies would start implanting themselves upon her subconscious, making her wonder dumb things like: is Julianne thinking of me? Or, worse yet: Is she dreaming of me? And the corniness of her meanderings would escalate until sense, logic, and reason would dissipate into oblivion, leaving Kris frustrated, annoyed, and more often than not, breathless and turned on.

She picked up the telephone and dialed.

"Franqui."

Kris smiled into the receiver. "Did I wake you?"

"Not really. I was just watching TV. Is something wrong?"

"Only if boredom qualifies as a problem," Kris replied. She wondered if Julianne minded these post-midnight phone calls. She also wondered if there was any way of getting a recording of Julianne's voice. It was addicting. "Anything good on?"

"Infomercials," Julianne answered. "Let's see … more infomercials … news … weather … something with weird alien creatures … a naked woman riding a horse …"

Kris laughed. "Perv."

"Hey, I didn't make the movie," Julianne answered.

"Would you ever do porn?" Kris wondered.

"Sure. Right after Summer's End, I'm getting a boob job."

"I think your boobs are fine," Kris replied.

"How sweet of you to notice. I didn't know you were looking."

She knew she was blushing now. "So, how did shooting that scene go? The one we practiced." Kris noticed that the noise in the background vanished, and she wondered if Julianne had turned off the TV. Or just muted it.

"Well," Julianne began, "it started out fine. But then once Samantha and I started kissing, Naomi flipped out. She started screaming at Samantha, telling her that she was the only one I was allowed to kiss. Then, Samantha punched her. They started wrestling, and tearing at each other's clothes-"

Kris rolled her eyes, but smiled. "Are these the kind of fantasies you entertain at night?"

"Well, sometimes they're wearing white shirts and crew people throw water at them."

Kris started laughing. "What is this? The naughty side of Julianne?"

"It's late."

"Ahuh."

"It is!"

"So what really happened?"

"I delivered my lines with astounding precision," Julianne answered. "And then I kissed Samantha like she's never been kissed before."

Kris decided that she didn't like Samantha anymore. Actually, she didn't know Samantha, but that only made it easier to dislike her. "Sounds good."

"So what did you do today?"

Well, I contemplated my blooming homosexuality for about four hours. And then I thought I'd call you, and confuse myself further. "Leigh and I had a pizza and movie night. Best friend bonding time and all that."

"Have fun?"

"Yeah, it was nice getting to spend time with her," Kris answered. "Though we really didn't talk much. Jeremy called about three times."

"How are they doing?"

"As a couple? Fine, I guess. Leigh seems happy, and that's good enough for me."

"Good."

"What time are we leaving Friday?"

"I'll be picking you up at 7:30."

"That early?"

"It's going to be a long day."

Kris couldn't wait.

"Um, Kris?"

"Yeah?

"Things are going to be kind of different in California. There will probably be a lot of cameras following us around. And I'll probably have to go back to being Julianne Franqui at times."

"Who are you now?" Kris wondered.

"Me."

Kris didn't know if she understood the difference. But she had a feeling that she would soon find out.

Thursday, 3:43pm

"Are you seriously in love with Julianne Franqui?"

Kris sighed at the question, regretting having answered the phone. "Mark, I'm kind of busy at the moment."

"What are you doing?"

"Packing."

"For what?"

"A trip."

"Kris…"

She sighed once again, this time in resignation. She took a seat at the edge of her bed, pushing the suitcase aside to make room. "I'm going to California with Julianne for the weekend."

"No fucking way!"

"She has to go to the premiere of her last movie," Kris explained, knowing there was little she could say to keep Mark's imagination from running rampant. Especially after the things she'd told him.

Mark gasped. "Oh my God, I get to be the uncle of Julianne Franqui's children. Pinch me."

"I'd do more than that if you were here," Kris told him. "Look, Mark. There's really nothing going on with Julianne. She's Julianne Franqui, and I'm … well, no one. And well, we're just friends."

"Have you kissed her?"

"Of course not! Hence the 'just friends' part."

"Is she really gay?"

Kris groaned. "Please don't ask me to answer that."

"Meaning yes." Mark shrieked. "This is so unbelievable. So, what's your plan of action?"

"My what?"

"How do you plan on winning her over?" Mark explained. "Are you going to fake a nightmare so that she crawls into your bed in the middle of the night? Or wait until she's in the shower and then sneak in accidentally?"

She frowned. "I really have to get back to packing."

"Wait," Mark insisted, his tone turning slightly serious. "I kind of have to tell you something."

"What's that?" Kris asked, feeling impatient.

Mark hesitated. "Please don't kill me. But when you left me alone with Julianne that night at the club, I may have accidentally let out the fact that you were … you know, questioning. And I don't know, but I don't think I did a very good job of hiding that you were questioning your feelings about her."

Kris froze. "What?"

"I'm sorry, I just found myself saying things. And I don't remember what I said exactly."

"Mark!" Kris yelled. "Please tell me you're kidding. What did you say to her?"

"I'm sorry, Kris. I really don't remember. I'd had a bit to drink. I might have not said anything at all."

"But you think you did?" Kris insisted.

"I think I remember saying something about you questioning your sexuality," he answered.

Kris' mind was spinning. Did Julianne know? She'd die of humiliation of that was true. "I have to go."

"Are you okay?"

"A little dazed."

"Are you mad at me?"

"No. But I am going to kill you."

"That sounds fair. Have a good time in California. Don't forget to get me a souvenir."

"Mark," she warned.

"Love you! Bye." Mark hung up.

Kris clicked the phone off and tossed it on the bed. "This is really, really bad."

"What's really, really bad?"

Kris glanced at the doorway to find Leigh standing there. She hadn't realized she'd spoken out loud. "Uh, I forgot to tell one of my professors I'd be gone on Monday," she fibbed.

"Oh," Leigh replied with a shrug. "That doesn't sound so bad. I'm sure can just email them, right?"

Kris nodded. "Sure," she agreed.

Leigh stood there silently for a few seconds, looking around. She nodded at the suitcase. "All packed?"

Kris glanced at the object, feeling an odd mix of emotions at the memory of her impending trip. "Almost. Julianne wasn't very forthcoming with what kind of clothes to take."

"So take at least one of each type," Leigh suggested. She brightened. "She might take you to dinner at one of those really exclusive restaurants. You'll get to sit in the V.I.P. section and get people whispering and wondering who you are."

The thought of that made Kris ill. "Do you really think so?"

"'Who's that hot girl with Julianne Franqui', they'll whisper behind their silk napkins and gold-framed menus."

"I meant the part about going out to dinner." Kris stood, walking over to her closet. She started searching through the contents. "I have nothing to wear to something like that! I thought we'd stay in and order pizza or something."

Leigh arched a brow. "You do realize this is Julianne Franqui's house you're going to." She walked out into the living room and came back a moment later with a magazine. She pointed to the cover, where Julianne's picture was featured. "Famous movie star. Ring a bell?"

Kris glanced at the picture. It was often hard to connect the two people in her mind. Maybe that's what Julianne had meant about having to go back to being Julianne Franqui for a while. But where did that leave Kris? She suddenly wondered if it was a good idea to go to California at all.

Leigh started flipping through the magazine. "How well do you think you know Julianne, Kris?" she wondered absently.

"What do you mean?"

Leigh shrugged, not looking up from the pages. "It just seems to me that she's led you into some kind of fantasy bubble where only the two of you exist. And that's nice and all, but she's still her." She whistled, and turned the magazine over so that Kris could see it. "Do you think they'll photograph me like this?"

Kris ignored the photo. She'd already seen it, and had consequently spent fifteen minutes debating on a cold shower. It had also led her to wonder if other people looked at that picture and felt the same way, which had resulted in a series of mixed emotions she'd proceeded to ignore.

"Earth to Kris," Leigh called.

"I'm here."

"Ya sure?" Leigh questioned, closing the magazine. "So who's Julianne's mystery date to the premiere? The hideous creature from the MTV Movie Awards?"

Hideous creature? Kris made a mental note to ask Julianne about that later. "Uh, I have no idea, actually. She hasn't told me."

"What do you guys talk about, anyway?" Leigh wondered. "Jeremy asked me that the other night and I honestly didn't have an answer."

"Why did Jeremy ask you that?" Kris wondered.

Leigh shrugged. "Who knows? Little Nuyorican girl from the wrong side of the tracks hanging out with multi-million dollar celebrities. It's bound to spark some interest in the minds of the public."

"Since when am I from the wrong side of the tracks?"

"Just thought it sounded more dramatic," Leigh answered. "So, what do you and Miss Franqui talk about?"

Kris thought about it. "Everything. And nothing. We just talk …"

"I see," Leigh said, sounding very much like she didn't see at all.

"You talked to her too when she was just Julia," Kris said defensively.

"Not really. I mean, we talked, but we didn't have hour-long conversations like you two do. And now we just talk about the movie. Nothing mind-boggling."

Kris didn't know what to say to that.

"What time are you leaving tomorrow?"

"Julianne said 7:30."

Leigh nodded. "Well, I'm going to take a shower. Jeremy's picking me up later. You sure you don't want to go? That cute guy is still interested."

Kris sighed. "No thanks."

"You sure there's nothing you want to talk about?" Leigh asked seriously. "I mean, I am still your best friend, right?"

"Always," Kris assured her, offering a smile. "I'm just a little stressed out. I'm fine."

Leigh smiled. "You're still a bad liar, but okay. You know where I live if you do want to talk about anything."

Kris smiled, and then watched the bedroom door close behind her friend. She stared at the suitcase. Leigh was right. It didn't make any sense that Julianne would invite her to her house just to sit around and eat pizza. But if a fancy dinner was what Julianne had in mind, Kris would have to sit that one out.

She stared at the suitcase and sighed. "God, please don't let this be the weekend from hell."

Chat!

Fri, 07 Mar 2003 19:03:17 GMT

I'm holding a chat tonight for anyone interested. In order to participate you have to join my mailing list (cause yahoo won't let you in, otherwise).

You can join by going here:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/MidnightIsle/join

You can unsubscribe to the list right after the chat, if you want :)

I'll be in there after 5pm EST (New York time) ... and will remain there for a while (unless nobody shows up, in which case I may get bored of myself and leave) ;)

If you're interested:

Join the mailing list
Log into yahoogroups
Go to the ' midnightisle' group
Click 'chat'
And voila!

Questions?
IM me on Yahoo Instant Messenger: Chakram310
or email me: amazonkiwi@aol.com

See you there :)

Chapters 61 & 62

Mon, 03 Mar 2003 06:16:04 GMT

It was too long to post here so:

http://midnightisland.com/TBSOL25.htm

Enjoy :)

60.3 - 60.4

Mon, 24 Feb 2003 05:24:09 GMT

Julianne would've been in and out of there in twenty minutes. She would have glanced around, pointed to the first couch she saw that looked plain enough to match whatever she decided to put around it, and walked right back out.

Kris, on the other hand, had a different conception of couch-shopping. Hers involved sampling every couch available and weighing the comfort, look, and price factors carefully.

Julianne was merely amused. Julianne loved the pensive look Kris would get on her face whenever she'd sit down at a different couch, and the dismissive looks she'd give when the object wouldn't live up to her expectations.

Realizing that they might be there a while, the actress decided to sit down.

The second she settled into the recliner, she knew she was in love. "I'm getting this!" she called to Kris, the moment the artist was close enough to hear. She put her feet up and sighed. "This is all I need in life."

Kris walked over and smiled. "There's a black suede couch over there that would match it."

"Does it pass the Kris Milano Couch Test?" Julianne teased.

"Innocent cows were slaughtered for your comfort," Kris replied with a slight grin.

Julianne cocked her head to the side. "Says she who wore leather on her birthday."

Kris opened her mouth to argue, and then shut it. Then opened it again and said, "That was Mark's fault!"

"Ahuh. I didn't hear you complaining."

Kris dropped her shoulders and sighed. "You're right. I'm a hypocrite." She eyed the recliner for a second. "That does look comfy."

"I'm not getting up," Julianne stated.

Kris got closer. "Oh, come on. Don't be a brat."

"I am a brat."

Kris narrowed her eyes. "And here you had me nearly convinced that you were a decent human being."

"Well, I am an actress," Julianne answered with a grin. She sighed melodramatically and closed her eyes. "Mmm… I could live on here forev-" Julianne's eyes snapped open as she felt a sudden weight on her body. She tried not to moan as Kris' back pressed against her breasts.

"Not bad," Kris commented, her head coming to rest beside Julianne's. "A little lumpy, though."

Julianne tried to relax under Kris' weight, but it felt too nice for comfort. "Really? It doesn't feel that lumpy to me. Although, gravity seems a bit heavier in this part of the store."

Kris smiled. "That's very odd. I can't imagine why."

"You know," Julianne began, "if a news camera appears suddenly, I'm going to have to deny we're friends."

"I'll pretend I'm just a crazy fan stalking you," Kris agreed, laughing.

Julianne wanted to wrap her arms against Kris' stomach, to hold her closer, but she didn't dare move. She kept her hands on the armrests. "I promise to bail you out."

"May I help you ladies with anything?" a male voice said from somewhere near.

Kris jumped off of Julianne, although she made a noble effort to look like she wasn't jumping off. Julianne instantly missed the feeling, and regretted the interruption. But it was for the best. There was no point in getting used to such things. Especially in public.I was wrong … it's not the movie that's going to out me.

She turned her attention to the salesman, whose eyes grew wide with recognition. Before he could go into babble-mode about how much he loved her, she intercepted the silence, "I'd like to get two of these, and whatever couch my friend here decided on." She nodded to Kris, who was blushing and looking down at the floor. Why does she look so guilty?

Kris glanced up and over at the salesman, who wasn't looking at her at all. "Um, it's the black suede one," she said.

The man seemed to snap out of his thoughts, and tore his gaze away from Julianne. "Uh, great!" he said, with a tone of over enthusiasm. Julianne was certain she heard his voice crack. He cleared his throat. "They can be delivered within the week," he said, turning back to Julianne. "Is there anything else I can help you with, Miss Franqui?"

"Yes, is there anyway you can deliver me along with the chair?" she wondered. "I don't want to move."

The man relaxed visibly and laughed. "I'm not sure that can be arranged, but you can stay there as long as you want. I'll be by the register when you're ready." He smiled and excused himself.

Julianne turned her attention to Kris, who looked awkward and embarrassed. "Are you okay?"

Hazel eyes rose up to meet with azure ones. "Yeah, it's just … I didn't want him to think that … you … that we …"

"Are a couple?" Julianne finished, her heart sinking.

Kris shook her head. "I just didn't want to get you in trouble …"

Julianne studied Kris' face for a moment, trying to understand the truth behind the words. All that she could come up with was that the artist was scared of getting mistaken for a lesbian. "It's okay," she said, hoping she didn't sound as hurt as she felt. "I'm pretty sure he's not going to run to Entertainment Tonight with the news that a cute Puerto Rican girl was sitting on my lap."

If possible, Kris blushed even more.

Julianne decided it was time to drop the subject. "I guess that means I have to get up now."

Kris walked over and offered her hand. "C'mon, lazy bones."

Julianne let herself get pulled from the comfort of the recliner. Somehow, touching Kris' hand was more appealing than sitting where she was. The realization was unsettling, in spite of the fact that it wasn't surprising. "Want to get dinner afterwards?"

"Are you always thinking about food?" Kris wondered as they headed toward the cash register.

Julianne smiled. "No, sometimes I think about other things."

"Like?"

Kissing you. Touching you. You. You. You. Her cell phone saved her from having to come up with a response. She stopped walking. "Franqui," she greeted.

"Hi, Julianne," came Karen's voice. "Am I interrupting anything?"

Julianne glanced at Kris for a moment then answered, "No, I'm just furniture shopping."

A short silence greeted her. "Furniture shopping? By yourself?"

Julianne rolled her eyes. "I am capable of buying furniture for myself, you know." She paused. "But, um, Kris is with me."

"Ah," Karen said knowingly. Though Julianne wasn't sure what Karen thought she knew. "I'll make this quick then. You're set to fly out of Newark on Friday night. The Guardian premiere is on Saturday. And your date called to confirm."

My date? Julianne thought about it for a full second before grinning. "Really? That's wonderful! Did you get him a hotel room and everything?"

"Everything's settled," Karen assured her. "Though, Julianne, aren't you picking them a bit young. I mean his father called to confirm."

Julianne laughed. "Age is just a state of mind."

"Right. Well, he's arriving Friday morning with his mother and sister. I'm having a limo pick them up at the airport. I'll get you their contact info when you get here. Also, you'll have to break the news to Adrian that he's not going to be your date for the evening, cause he didn't get the memo."

"Oh, damn," Julianne said. "I'll call him later."

"Last thing," Karen promised, "your mother knows you're coming this weekend, so you better call her. She's left about five messages on your answering machine at home. She said she lost your phone number in New York."

Julianne rolled her eyes. "Okay."

"That's it," Karen replied. "I'll let you get back to your ogling, er, shopping."

"Hardy har har," Julianne answered, shaking her head. "Weren't you the one who once found me intimidating? Can we go back to that?"

Karen laughed. "Bye, Miss Franqui."

Julianne hung up the phone and stared at it for a second before putting it away. She looked around for Kris and found the artist sitting on a nearby couch. "Sorry about that," she apologized.

"It's okay," Kris said, rising. "I get that you're popular." She smiled.

Julianne smiled back, but looked away before she could get lost in hazel eyes. An idea was brewing in her mind, but she wasn't sure if it was a good one. She dismissed it for now. Maybe later, she'd go back to it, when they were alone.

"It just doesn't make any sense," Kris commented, stabbing a leaf of lettuce from her salad. "You'd think after all of this time, they'd get a clue. It's so obvious they love each other."

Julianne shrugged, busy with her own plate. She glanced around the restaurant for a moment and turned back to Kris. "I guess it's just not obvious to them."

Kris shook her head. "Yeah, but I mean, they have a kid together now. They lived together … Hello?"

"I'm sure they'll end up together," Julianne assured her. "Some things take time."

"Love shouldn't be so complicated," Kris argued.

Julianne chuckled. "It's a sitcom."

"All I'm saying is that Ross and Rachel need to get their act together. It's uncanny that anyone could be so blind."

Julianne sat back and smiled. She glanced around and sat up, looking slightly more serious than she had before. "Can I talk to you about something?"

Kris' heart skipped a beat at the actress' tone. "Sure," she said, though she was suddenly nervous. Ever since they'd left the furniture store, Kris had worried that Julianne would bring up the incident on the recliner. Incident. Calling it that made it seem like an unfortunate accident. And there had been nothing unfortunate or accidental about it.I'm turning into a perv.

"What are you doing this upcoming weekend?" Julianne asked.

The question caught Kris off-guard. She'd been so convinced that it would be a recliner-related question. "Uh, nothing, why?"

"Do you want to go to California with me?" Julianne asked. Then quickly added, "I have to go to the premiere of my last movie on Saturday. And I thought it'd be nice to show you my house. You know, I thought it would be good for you to see how I live when I actually have furniture."

California? She wants me to go to California for the weekend? With her? To her house? Furniture… Kris' mind was reeling. She wasn't sure her brain was even forming coherent thoughts. Still, she forced herself to speak. "I don't think I can afford the plane fare."

"I hired a private jet," Julianne answered, a bit shyly. "You don't have to pay for anything."

"Right," Kris said, feeling completely overwhelmed. A weekend in California. With Julianne. How could that possibly be bad? "Sounds like fun," she found herself saying. Didn't she have homework? There were papers to write and books to read. She had midterms coming up. Julianne Franqui was going to get her kicked out of college. And still she couldn't keep from feeling giddy at the prospect of going to Julianne's house.

"Great," Julianne replied, grinning brightly.

Kris found herself staring at Julianne's smile. God, she's so beautiful. Gorgeous. Unreal. And I'm so, so screwed if I keep thinking like this. "So what are we doing after dinner?" she asked, fearing that it might be nearing the time they'd have to part ways.

Julianne shrugged. "If you're up to it, I think I recall someone promising me a dance."

Kris smiled. "You're on." So, so screwed.</i

A small intermission ...

Mon, 10 Feb 2003 21:27:37 GMT

The dork who brought you TBSOL ..also brings you........

The Which TBSOL Character Are You? Quiz
http://quizilla.com/users/Dreams/quizzes/Which%20TBSOL%20character%20are%20you%3F/

...and now we return to our regularly scheduled programming...

60.1 - 60.2

Mon, 10 Feb 2003 03:49:53 GMT

In the midst of insomnia, thoughts came to her in fragments: shards of broken glass scattered across the floor … soft lips moving against her own … the knock at the door.

Julianne opened her eyes and stared at the bedroom window. Sunlight spilled through the blinds, casting vague shadows on the floor. She stared at them for a while, focusing on the undecipherable patterns that invaded her carpet. She listened to the silence, trying to make out other signs of life.

But all was quiet in her penthouse apartment. The rest of the world was nonexistent from her throne. It was in those moments when nothing felt real. How had she gotten there? How was any of this hers?

At twenty-three she had accomplished more things than most people did in a lifetime. At least, that's what she'd always told herself. Now she wasn't so sure. What was an accomplishment, anyway?

She thought of James, the homeless man she had encountered on the street all of those months ago. Surviving for him was more of an accomplishment than anything Julianne had ever done.

"I'm going to be rich and famous one day," Julianne had told her grandmother one day. It was the first of many times.

Her grandmother had been silent for a long time, then had said, "And why is that so important to you, Julia? What are you going to do with all that fame and all of that money?"

What indeed.

The phone rang, bringing her introspection to an end. "Hello?" she answered.

"Did I wake you?"

Julianne smiled at the sound of her voice. "I couldn't sleep," she admitted.

"Me neither," Kris said after a moment. "What's wrong?"

"Excessive thinking. You?"

"Same."

"Anthony?" Julianne guessed.

"Partly, but other things, too," Kris told her. "I'm just tired of thinking. I thought I'd call and bother you."

"You're so thoughtful," Julianne joked. "I was thinking of getting furniture today."

"That's what kept you up all night?"

Julianne laughed. "Yes, this is a huge step for me." She paused. "Do you want to come with me? I hate shopping alone."

"I don't know, what's in it for me?"

Julianne grinned. "I'll think of something."

"Oooh, a surprise. I'm in. When are we going?"

"I'll drop by your apartment at one. Sound good?"

"It's a date, Miss Franqui. See you then."

Smiling, Julianne said, "Bye." She hung up the phone and set her alarm for 11:30. That would give her enough time to get ready.

Yawning, Julianne drew the covers over her head and closed her eyes.

Kris had somehow forgotten a very important piece of information: Julianne was Julianne Franqui. Thankfully, the people of New York did a wonderful job of reminding her. Everywhere they went someone would stop them to ask for Julianne's autograph. Some asked the actress for a picture. Others assumed that Kris was someone important too, and asked for her autograph as well. And who was she to deny them?

"Look at that, famous by association," Kris joked once a swarm of people had left them alone.

"Can I have your autograph, too?" Julianne teased.

"Sure, got a pen? I'll sign your forehead." Kris smiled at the actress as they walked. "Does that get annoying after a while?"

"Getting my forehead signed?"

"Do you get your forehead signed often?"

Julianne pretended to contemplate the question. "No, as it turns out, you're the first to even offer."

"What a pity," Kris replied in mock seriousness. She smiled and shook her head. "I meant all the autograph-signing and picture-taking."

"I wouldn't say 'annoying'," Julianne answered carefully. "I'm kind of used to it. I wish I wasn't, though."

Kris nodded, trying to place herself in Julianne's shoes. She found it impossible. How could strangers vying for your attention ever become routine? It felt so strange, experiencing this aspect of Julianne's life. Kris had lost count of how many people had told the actress that they loved her. After hearing it so often, Kris wondered if the word "love" had lost all meaning to Julianne.

"You could have anyone you wanted," Kris found herself saying. She glanced up at Julianne.

"That was random," Julianne replied with a smile.

Kris searched her memory for the last thing Julianne had said. It had been something about autographs. "Sorry," she apologized. "I was just thinking that all of those people want you."

"I'm pretty sure they just asked for my signature," Julianne replied. "Did I miss some offers somewhere?" She turned around jokingly. "Let's go back."

Kris laughed and grabbed Julianne's arm, turning her back around. "Seriously! I bet I could ask anyone if they would sleep with you, and they would all say yes."

Julianne considered that. "I bet it's safe to say that most gay men and straight women might not be too keen on the whole sex thing."

"Fine, give me your cell phone," Kris demanded.

Arching a brow, Julianne handed it over. "I hope this is a quick call you're making. I'm on a tight budget."

"Oh shut up," Kris answered, smacking Julianne on the arm with the phone. "I don't even want to know how much money you have." She started dialing the number to her brother's apartment. After a few rings, Mark picked up. "Hey, Mark? It's Kris."

"Hey, sweetie. How's it going?"

"Good. I am just calling to ask you a question."

"Me?"

"Yes, you. You're the gayest guy I know."

"Aw, thank you."

Kris smiled. "Alright. So, say you had to sleep with a woman. Would you sleep with Julianne Franqui?"

"Honey, that girl can get into my pants any time."

With a satisfied smirk, Kris said, "Thanks! I'll talk to you later. Send my love to William." Kris hung up and grinned at Julianne. "See?"

"See, what? I didn't hear what he said," Julianne answered.

"He said you could get into his pants any time."

"And how do I know you're not lying?" Julianne challenged.

"Call him yourself," Kris said, waving the phone in front of the actress' face. She hadn't actually expected Julianne to grab it, though.

Julianne hit redial and put the phone to her ear.

Kris watched in surprise and amusement.

"Hi, Mark?" Julianne said. "This is Julianne Franqui. I heard you wanted me to get into your pants."

Kris burst out laughing.

"No, this isn't Kris," Julianne said, casting a glance at her laughing companion. "This really is Julianne Franqui … I don't know … Uh, Prada … Well, you can't expect me to remember what kind of shoes I wore two years ago … Okay, fine! Just for that I'm not sleeping with you." She clicked off the phone, and shrugged at Kris. "He didn't believe it was me."

Kris grinned. "I still made my point."

"We still need to find a straight girl," Julianne countered. "Oh, and look at that, I'm staring at one right now. Would you sleep with me?"

Caught off-guard, Kris blushed. She didn't know how to answer the question, though she knew what she wanted to say. "I thought we agreed that I was asexual," she said.

"Cop out," Julianne said, shaking her head in mock disappointment.

"Would you sleep with me?" Kris wondered.

"Oh, look! It's a furniture store," Julianne answered. "Goodie!"

"Cop out," Kris teased, but followed Julianne inside the store. She suddenly wanted nothing more than to know the answer to that question.

59.3

Sun, 26 Jan 2003 19:30:37 GMT

Author's Note: Regarding timing, I apologize for not making it clear that the events weren't necessarily occurring at the same time. This is pretty much the beta version of the entire story, so when I go back and edit it, I'll make the appropriate corrections.

_________________________________________________________________________

Kris hated, with a passion, the anticipation of staring at a closed door two seconds after knocking. She hated the knowledge that for all of that time spent rehearsing, over and over, what she would say, that she would forget everything the moment she was faced with the opportunity. She was nervous, standing there, thinking of nothing and everything, staring, rather hopefully and absurdly at the wooden patterns of the door.

She thought of the drive back from the cabin. Anthony: driving in silent resignation. Kris: writing and rewriting an imaginary monologue. She would apologize to Julianne, she had decided, early on. She would explain a version of the truth that neither concealed nor revealed the actual reasons for her distance.

She thought of Anthony with a slight pang of regret. Regret for not having discovered that she didn't - and couldn't - love him the way he wanted. Regret for having parted the way they had: stuck in a series of awkward gestures and incomplete sentences. It was goodbye with uncertain punctuation. Goodbye? Goodbye … Goodbye.

And now, Kris was standing there, waiting, waiting for a chance to explain, however vaguely, that she was confused and scared; torn between knowing and not wanting to know. She was not there to confess, but merely to apologize for being a coward.

The door opened, finally, and Kris tensed with anticipation. "Hi," she said, when she saw Julianne standing there in the open doorway. She wanted to say so much more than that, but as expected, she had forgotten the words she'd settled on. They had abandoned her, the way her breath had abandoned her when Julianne had looked at her.

"Kris," Julianne said with surprise. "I thought you were-"

"I was," Kris interrupted quickly. "Can we talk?" It was at that moment that Kris realized that Julianne wasn't alone. Naomi. The date. How selfish of her to have forgotten, how incredibly self-centered. "Sorry. It's a bad time," she said, feeling embarrassed and out of place. She hadn't rehearsed this part. She didn't know what to do.

"Kris, are you okay?" Julianne asked gently, looking at Kris' face carefully. Could Julianne tell that she'd been crying? Was it obvious?

Naomi appeared beside Julianne before Kris had a chance to reply. "I should get going," she announced. "I have an early meeting tomorrow with the producers." She looked at Julianne and smiled. "I'll call you?"

Julianne nodded. "Okay," she added, as if the act of nodding wasn't enough.

"Bye, Kris," Naomi said politely, and retreated down the hall.

Kris felt like an intruder. She couldn't remember ever feeling so embarrassed, so out of place. "I'm so sorry about that," she said, the moment the director disappeared into the elevator. "I completely forgot about your date."

Julianne shrugged. "Nothing to be sorry about," she said. "Come in."

Kris tried not to imagine what she might have interrupted. She entered the apartment and looked around, as if expecting things to be different. She noticed the broken glass on the kitchen floor and stared at it in surprise. "What happened there?" she asked.

Julianne came up beside her and sighed. "I'm just a klutz, that's all," she answered. She turned to Kris and stared at her with concern. "What's wrong?"

Everything, Kris wanted to say. Everything was wrong. "I couldn't do it," she said, instead. It hadn't been what she'd come here to say. She didn't want to talk about Anthony and their failed romance. She had merely wanted to say, I'm sorry for not calling you. I'm sorry for not keeping our date. I don't really understand why I stayed away. Please don't ask me to explain. But everything started to topple out of her mouth before she could stop it. "We were on the bed, in this beautiful cabin in the woods, and … I just froze."

"It was your first time, it's understandable," Julianne told her.

Kris shook her head. "No, it wasn't timing. It wasn't even fear or nervousness. I just didn't want him. At all. I should've at least felt something, right?" She glanced up into blue eyes, which Kris was certain had flickered with something. What? What are you thinking, Julianne? "Do you think there's something wrong with me?"

"No," Julianne answered. "You just didn't want him."

Kris nodded. "Right," she agreed. It was normal. It was fine. "But I didn't want Nathan, either," she admitted. "Maybe I'm asexual."

"Yes, that's probably what it is," Julianne agreed with a smile. "Join the nunnery."

Kris smiled, too. She remembered what she'd come to say and said it. "I'm really sorry about the past week. I was a jerk." She stared at the floor, unable to meet Julianne's gaze; knowing that no matter what she said, it would be a lie. "I wasn't thinking clearly."

"You had a lot on your mind," Julianne said. "With Anthony and everything. It's okay."

Julianne's words filled Kris with guilt. She wanted, more than anything, to admit the truth. But it would make things awkward and uncomfortable, and she still wasn't sure if what she felt was real. "I hurt you."

"I'll live," Julianne assured her. "I understand."

Kris wanted to cry, standing there, feeling torn and confused, hating her uncertainty, and still holding on to it for dear life. She swallowed back the tears, not wishing to explain her emotions. "I'm a mess," she admitted, in spite of herself.

Julianne stepped closer and wrapped her arms around Kris, hugging her tightly.

Kris closed her eyes, relaxing into Julianne's body. She could smell the vanilla sweetness of Julianne's perfume. Or maybe it was the natural scent of her skin. Everything about Julianne was soft and warm. Kris wanted the hug to last forever.

But it was Julianne who broke the contact first. "If you think you're a mess, you should've seen me earlier," she said with a slight smile. She nodded toward the glass on the floor.

"I'm sure you were charmingly dorky." Kris grinned.

Julianne laughed. "I'm not sure I could pull that off."

"Dorky?"

"No, charming," Julianne answered, sounding shy.

"Just dorky then," Kris teased. She motioned toward the kitchen. "Come on, let's get that mess cleaned up."

59.2

Fri, 24 Jan 2003 07:08:35 GMT

"I see you've done a lot with the place," Naomi teased upon entering the apartment.

Julianne laughed. "I plan on getting furniture this week," she responded, though she hadn't really thought about it. It was such a low priority in her list of things to do; she sometimes forgot it was even an issue until someone pointed it out. And it was always the same two people anyway. "Can I get you something to drink?" she offered, stepping toward the kitchen.

"Sure. Whatever you're having is fine."

Julianne was about to respond when her cell phone rang. "Sorry," she apologized to her guest. "Franqui," she said into the phone.

"I'd like two large pizzas with pepperoni, anchovies and pineapple."

The actress rolled her eyes at the familiar voice. "Would you excuse me for a moment?" she asked Naomi. When the director nodded, Julianne retreated into the privacy of her room.

"Am I calling at the wrong time?" Adrian asked.

Julianne closed the bedroom door and leaned her back against it. "You're always calling at the wrong time," she answered. "But I missed you. How's the tomato movie?"

"Apple," Adrian corrected. "And it's finally done. You'll be very proud. Or disturbed, one of the two."

Julianne guessed it would be the latter.

"So, I heard a female voice in the background," Adrian continued. "What have I missed?"

"Too much to recount over the phone," Julianne admitted. "But, I'm freaking out."

"That's new." Pause. "In case you couldn't tell, that was sarcasm."

Julianne stepped away from the door and lowered her voice. "Adrian, I invited her up. And I don't know how to read her. I mean, is she thinking about sex? Or am I just assuming that she's thinking it? And does she want to, or not want to? This is a lot more complicated than I thought it would be."

"First of all, who is 'her'?" Adrian asked.

"Naomi."

"The hot director?" Adrian whistled. "Did you know she posed for Playboy?"

"She did not."

"Did, too," Adrian argued. "When she was eighteen."

"Oh, my God, she did not pose for Playboy," Julianne responded, feeling frustrated and ridiculous that she was even having that discussion.

"I'll look for the issue," Adrian said. Julianne could hear him rummaging in the background. "It's around here somewhere."

Julianne banged the cell phone against her forehead. "You drive me insane."

"Found it!" Adrian cried. "Oh wait. This isn't her. Nevermind. Hey, Jules, you should sleep with this one right here. She wants to be an elementary school teacher, and her breasts are real."

"Can you be serious for a minute?" Julianne pleaded. "I'm really confused right now."

Adrian sighed. "Okay, blah blah hot lesbian in your living room ready for action. Blah blah confusion. 'Oh no it's my first time.' Blah blah blah. So, what do you think you should do?"

"I don't know," Julianne replied honestly. "She's beautiful and smart and funny and I'm really attracted to her. But…"

"She's not Kris," Adrian guessed.

"Right," Julianne answered. "And I don't want to move too fast. It's just that …"

"You want to forget about Kris and hope that banging Naomi will do the trick."

"Yeah. Well, minus the word 'banging'."

"Look, Julianne, just do what feels right."

Julianne sighed. "I'll talk to you later."

"Have fun."

Julianne hung up the phone and stared at the carpet for a long moment. She knew she had to go back out there and face Naomi, but she was scared. What would feel right? And if she went with the flow, if she just let things happen, would she regret them in the morning? She wouldn't be able to take anything back.

She stood and stepped out of the room. She found the director looking out the glass windows.

"It's such a beautiful view from here," Naomi said as Julianne approached. She turned. "Is everything okay?"

Julianne looked into green eyes and smiled. "Yes. It was just Adrian. He finished his film."

"I'm sure it will be brilliant as usual," Naomi replied with a wink. "Can't wait to see it."

Julianne could wait. She could wait a long time. But in the end, she knew she'd love the movie. Adrian had a fascinating way of making insanity interesting. Suddenly remembering that she'd offered her guest a drink prior to the interruption, she said, "Wine okay?"

"Perfect."

Julianne took a deep breath as she headed toward the kitchen. She needed to relax. Everything felt awkward, every movement felt forced. She felt outside of herself, as if she were playing a role she couldn't find the motivation for. She knew she was shaking, and wondered if Naomi felt half as nervous as she.

She opened one of the cabinets and reached up for a glass, knowing in the same way that people foresee catastrophes that she was going to drop it. She tipped it the wrong way instead of grabbing it properly, and it slid, smoothly, effortlessly from her grasp. A mere second elapsed from the moment the glass dropped from her fingers to the moment it shattered across her kitchen floor. Yet, in that brief expanse of time, she understood the limitations of possibility; she was as capable of keeping that glass from breaking, as she was of keeping her heart from love.

Naomi was at her side at an instance. "Are you okay?"

Julianne turned from the mess on the floor and stared into concerned eyes. "I'm fine," she answered. "Just a huge klutz."

Amusement replaced concern. "I'll try to keep that bit of news from the presses, then," the director replied. "For a price."

"I hope it's cheap. I'm trying to save up for furniture." Julianne smiled, aware of the fact that Naomi was right in front of her. She swallowed. "I'm really confused," she admitted in a whisper.

"About?"

"Everything."

"Then we'll take it really slow."

Slow. Julianne felt her heart speed up as their lips drew nearer. She closed her eyes, letting the moment carry her across the deep ravine of doubt. She felt Naomi's lips touch hers, in an instant that felt both surprising and surreal. Julianne wasn't sure if it was happening or not. But she knew she liked the softness pressing against her mouth; liked the way Naomi's body fit against hers.

It felt like hope. It tasted like possibility. And in an irrational moment she thought that maybe, if only she'd tried, if only she'd reacted quickly enough, she could've kept the glass from breaking.

Her thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the knock at the door.

59.1

Wed, 22 Jan 2003 05:41:37 GMT

Kris tried to focus on the feel of his hands on her body. She tried to cling to the words emanating from his lips as he whispered, "You are so beautiful," into the space between his experience and her own. His breath felt cool against her body, as he kissed her stomach. His mouth left cold, wet trails along her breasts, lingering with hope, evaporating with reality. Kris tried to focus on his enthusiasm, and his passion, wishing that it was enough to carry them both through.

Why couldn't life be more like the movies? Everything was so passionate and beautiful when edited down into flashes of perfection. She wished she were experiencing the air-brushed version of that moment.

Is this what she had waited twenty-one years for, this feeling of numb indifference; the anticipation of the end before it had even begun. Is this what she was praying for? Clinging to?

She felt a breeze enter through the window, and wished she hadn't noticed it. Was this fair, using him only to quench her insistent need to hide? Was it right?

In his eyes she had seen a mixture of so many emotions she couldn't quite decipher them all. She knew there was lust and anticipation. But was there love? It didn't matter, she realized, it didn't matter what he felt if she couldn't reciprocate his feelings. How could she wake up the morning after and look him in the eyes?

She felt his hands undo her belt buckle. "Anthony, wait," she found her mouth saying, though her mind hadn't given it permission to speak.

Anthony paused in his actions. "Am I going too fast?"

She paused before responding. What excuse could she give him for leading him this far? How could she possibly justify her feelings of estrangement? "I can't do this," she whispered, unable to meet his gaze. "I'm sorry. I thought this is what I wanted but-"

"Oh," he said, as if he were still expecting her to answer his question about going too fast. "Oh," he said again, looking all of a sudden awkward. He glanced down at where he was, straddling her body. "Sorry," he said, and got off, sitting down awkwardly beside her.

Kris tried to search for words, but couldn't find any. She felt exposed, sitting there topless on a strange bed, staring at a boy whom she'd almost granted full access to her body, only moments before. What was there to say?

"Are you okay?" Anthony questioned, his disappointment flashing quickly to concern. "I didn't hurt you, did I? I hadn't even-"

"No," she assured him, quickly, surprised by his tone. She'd half expected him to lash out at her. He isn't Nathan, she reminded herself, and felt sad that she had to remind herself of that at all. "I think I'm just losing my mind," she added, feeling foolish for saying it, but believing it nonetheless.

Anthony frowned as he looked at her. "Why do you think you're losing your mind?"

She glanced at him, embarrassed. "I'm just going through a phase, I think," she answered, saying it mostly to satisfy his curiosity, though a part of her still believed it was true. "I'm really sorry, Anthony. I just need to sort some things out."

Confusion grazed his features as he stared at her. "Are you breaking up with me?"

She hadn't meant it that way. The thought hadn't really crossed her mind. But maybe it was the only way she was ever going to figure herself out. She couldn't keep leading him on. Not like this. Even if she didn't know what she wanted, what she didn't want was quite clear.

Her eyes filled with tears as she nodded. She could feel the foundations of her life crumbling before her very eyes. What was she doing? So many parts of her wanted to take it back, and yet the small spark of relief she felt at the confirmation kept her from doing so.

Anthony swallowed, looking torn between wanting to comfort her and wanting to cry himself. "Okay," he said. He glanced around, as if wishing to recall the moments when looking at that bedroom hadn't caused him pain. "Do you want to go home?"

Home. She suddenly wondered where that was, exactly. She didn't know, and didn't want to contemplate it. Kris just knew there was only one place she wanted to be.

And only one person she wanted to see.

58.4 - 58.5

Sat, 18 Jan 2003 21:08:46 GMT

Kris stared at the television, attempting to focus on the images flickering across the screen. But, she was too nervous to concentrate. She kept wondering what Anthony was thinking. She kept wondering what the night would bring. Would something happen? Would she let things happen? She still didn't know.

Beside her on the couch, Anthony shifted. "Do you want a soda or anything?" he offered.

"No, thanks," Kris answered, keeping her gaze on the television screen. If she appeared engrossed in the film, maybe he wouldn't try anything. He's your boyfriend, not a stranger. But he felt like a stranger. And wasn't she supposed to be there to get to know him better? Wasn't this supposed to be fun? "Anthony," she said, turning to him. "Can we talk?"

"Sure," Anthony answered, shutting off the TV. He turned so he was facing her. "What's up?"

Kris turned, too, taking a moment to decide what to say. "Do you feel awkward?" she asked, and quickly added, "Because I do."

"I'm kind of nervous," he admitted, running a hand through his hair. "I'm not really sure how to read you."

"Read me?" Kris asked, confused. Was she a book?

Anthony stared at her uneasily. "I don't want to cross the line or anything," he told her softly. "I don't want to be a jerk."

"Oh," Kris responded, feeling torn. "I'm having trouble figuring out where the line is," she admitted. "Can we just … play it by ear?"

"Yes, definitely," he said, and visibly relaxed. He took her hand and resumed the movie.

Kris glanced down briefly at their entwined hands and took a deep breath, letting her gaze rest on the television screen. Her heart was hammering, her thoughts were racing, and she was sure that she'd left reason and logic back in the City. "Anthony," she whispered, a part of her hoping he wouldn't hear her.

"Yeah?"

"Let's go to bed," she said, looking at him.

"I'm sorry I've been such a bad date," Julianne apologized, feeling embarrassed for her behavior all night. "I'm surprised you're still here." She didn't look at Naomi as she spoke, choosing to keep her gaze fastened to the sidewalk ahead.

The fact of the matter was that she wished she could start the evening over again, beginning with not being late. As a result of her tardy appearance, they'd missed their movie. Naomi hadn't been mad, though. Julianne wondered if she ever got mad. The director was such a free spirit; so calm and carefree. It didn't seem possible that a person could be so tranquil.

Naomi smiled at her. "I understand that you've got things on your mind," she answered with a slight shrug. "Just wish I could help."

"You've helped," Julianne assured her, glancing into green eyes. She wasn't sure how she would've gotten through the evening alone. "I really appreciate your company. I'm just terrible at showing it."

The director laughed easily. "It's okay, Julianne. I'm happy just to be near you." She rolled her eyes at the comment. "Sorry, I promised myself I wouldn't say things like that."

Julianne smiled, feeling flattered. "Why?" she wondered.

Naomi glanced at her, embarrassed. "Because I know that I like you a lot more than I should, and I don't want to freak you out."

"I'm not freaked," Julianne said. "Flattered, but not freaked." She glanced up to see her building not too far ahead. She could feel her heart pounding.

"Good, I don't want to make you uncomfortable," the director said, her voice shy but honest.

Why am I pining over someone I can't have? Naomi is perfect. Her thoughts battled back and forth, trying to find a solution to the problem. She wasn't sure there was a good solution besides getting over Kris, and how long would that take? How far was she willing to go to expedite the process?

"Well, we're here," Naomi announced, glancing up at the building.

Julianne stared at the door and then back at Naomi.I could just say good night. Right here. Just say good night. But she didn't want to say good night. She wanted to feel whole again. She wanted to stop aching. She wanted more than emptiness and silence. "Do you want to come up?"

58.2 & 58.3

Sat, 18 Jan 2003 06:29:42 GMT

Kris stared out the window of the car Anthony had borrowed from his parents, her gaze fixed on the darkness outside, while her mind traveled at a thousand miles per hour through the highway of her thoughts. She had the uneasy feeling that there would a head-on collision occurring sometime in the near future.

After her visit to William's apartment, Kris had decided to bury herself in schoolwork. Classes became her sanctuary for the remainder of the week. She'd avoided the set. She'd avoided Julianne's apartment. Worst of all, she'd avoided Julianne.

Kris knew they'd had an agreement to go out dancing the night before, but she'd chickened out of the dare. The fact that she had wanted to go scared her. Kris had figured that if she avoided Julianne until the weekend, she'd be safe. The weekend would show her that Anthony was right for her. I hope…

Kris turned her attention away from the window. "So, what are we doing tonight?" she asked, hoping to strike up a conversation. Talking would keep the silence at bay. Silence was dangerous. Silence led to thinking. And thinking led to guilt. How could I ignore Julianne like that? The thought nagged for her attention; filled her with uneasiness.

"We could build a fire," Anthony suggested. "And watch a movie. I brought some."

Kris nodded. "That sounds nice," she told him, searching her mind for another conversation starter. Why couldn't she ever think of anything to say around him? Conversation came so easily when she was with Julianne. UGH! "So, um, do you come up here often?"

Anthony shook his head, his gaze on the road ahead. "No, my parents usually like their alone time to be … well, alone." He smiled, glancing at her quickly. "I think it's sweet that after all of those years of marriage they still manage to find romance."

Kris nodded. "Yeah, that doesn't happen often," she said, recalling her parents' divorce. "I think true love is hard to come by," she added, not sure why she was saying that, especially to Anthony.

"I don't know, sometimes you get lucky," Anthony replied. "We're almost there."

Kris glanced out of the window, noting the change in scenery. She wished she could feel happier about being out in the woods, surrounded by undisturbed beauty.

The car came to a stop in front of a small log cabin and Kris stared at it for a moment. Several horror movies came to mind.

"I'm sure it's a lot less creepy in the day time," Anthony teased, as if reading her thoughts. "Come on, let's get our stuff inside. We've got a fun-filled night ahead of us."

Yes, fun-filled, Kris thought, and stepped out of the car.

*********

Julianne was trying desperately to pay attention to everything that Naomi said, but her mind kept drifting. Why hadn't Kris called? Had she scared Kris off? Were her feelings too obvious?

"Julianne," Naomi said, breaking into her thoughts.

"Hmm?" the actress glanced up, realizing for the first time that she'd been tapping her fork against the table. She ceased the movement at once and regarded the director with an apologetic smile. "Sorry."

"Are you okay?" Naomi asked, her voice full of concern.

Julianne glanced around the restaurant for a brief second before turning her attention on attentive green eyes. She cares about me … why can't I care about her? Why must things be so complicated? "I'm just having trouble concentrating, I'm sorry. It's been a long week."

The director nodded her head, taking a drink from her glass of wine. "Want to talk about it?"

"No, I just … I just want to stop thinking," Julianne answered, wishing it were that simple.

Naomi motioned for the check, and sat back in the chair, staring thoughtfully at Julianne. "Do you want to go home?" she asked gently.

Home. What was that? "I'm not sure I want to be alone," Julianne answered, not really caring how it sounded. She's going to get the wrong idea, a little voice warned.

"You don't have to be," Naomi replied.

58.1

Fri, 17 Jan 2003 06:12:21 GMT

Julianne stared at her reflection in the mirror, finally settling on an outfit. Ironically, it turned out to be the first one she'd tried on. But in the end, she realized she didn't really care if Naomi liked her clothes. What difference did it make if she wore one thing or the other? It's not like Naomi was going to date her outfit.

The actress turned away from her reflection and glanced quickly at the time. She was running late. The fact that she kept stalling in the hopes that Kris would call hadn't escaped her.

She's not going to call, Julianne reminded herself, not for the first time. She's on her way to spend a wonderfully romantic weekend with Sata--er, Anthony. She took a deep breath. "And I have a date," she announced to the empty bedroom. "Which I'm already three minutes late for." Crap.

The actress hurried out of the building, waiting, somewhat impatiently, for the door attendant to get her a cab. She knew she wasn't in a good mood. In fact, she'd almost called to cancel the date about four times, but she didn't want to be alone. Not that night, when her thoughts would undoubtedly turn to Kris and what she might be doing with Anthony.

Julianne shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts. "Thank you," she said, as a cab finally pulled up.

"Have a good night, Miss Franqui," the doorman told her.

From the taxi cab window, New York seemed distant and unreal. Maybe all images viewed through square-shaped portals were doomed to seem dreamlike in nature. Is that how she seemed to other people: distant and unreal, reduced to a two-dimensional figure? It felt lonely in that place. She wanted desperately to be real. Kris deserved someone real.

Julianne sighed, her gaze drifting along the scenery. She wondered what Kris was thinking at that moment. Was she happy in Anthony's company? Did he make her smile? Could he give her everything she needed? And if so, could Julianne ever accept that?

She wanted to believe that she would, that she could move beyond the pain and jealousy. But in the back of her mind, she would always believe that she could do better; that she could make Kris happier.

But, could she? Julianne suddenly wondered. Would Kris be happy in the public eye? Would she be happy giving up her privacy?

People would want to hurt them; break them up. People would say things, and assume things. They would lie to sell more papers. They would make a mockery of everything Julianne considered to be beautiful and true, simply because she didn't exist in their realm. Two-dimensional figures weren't expected to have feelings; they weren't allowed to love.

Julianne lowered her gaze at the realization: Kris was safer in Anthony's arms.

"Sixty-eighth and Broadway," the cab driver announced, rolling the vehicle to a stop.

Snapping out of her reverie, Julianne quickly handed him the money and stepped out into the cool night air; ready for her date.

57.3

Wed, 15 Jan 2003 05:58:08 GMT

"Kris?" William sounded alarmed as he opened the door to his apartment and found his step-sister standing there. "Did something happen?"

Kris passed by him, entering the apartment, feeling flustered and confused. Her voice took on a nervous edge as she spoke. "I'm freaking out," she announced, just as Mark walked out of the bedroom. He sent a questioning glance to William who shrugged.

She was oblivious to the exchange as she continued. "On the way here I stopped at the confessional at Church and then I thought 'what am I doing here?' I mean you don't just confess these things to a priest, do you? You have to admit them to yourself first. But when you do, that's it, it's real. It's out there. You can't rein it back in once you've released it into the world." She started to pace.

William and Mark watched silently for a moment. Finally, William spoke up. "Um, Kris," he began, gently, though his voice was thick with sleep. "What are you talking about?"

Kris paused long enough to glance at her audience. She sighed and sat down on the couch. "I've been having these thoughts about someone." She paused, feeling foolish and embarrassed. The fact that she was sitting there felt surreal; a scene she was imagining; a 'what if' scenario that would play out and then fade into the background of her thoughts, leaving her safe from consequence.

But, she knew it wasn't a passing thought she was caught in. She was at the edge of a cliff and she was about to dive. "A girl someone," she whispered, looking down.

Mark and William exchanged another glance. "I'm going to make coffee," Mark announced, moving off to do just that. "Lots of coffee," he muttered under his breath.

William stepped closer, grabbing a chair from the table. He sat down with a sigh. "So, what kind of thoughts?" he asked.

Kris glanced up. "Please don't make me go into details. This is embarrassing enough as it is." She ran a hand through her disheveled hair, noticing for the first time that she was still in her pajamas. "I had this dream where we kissed."

"I had a dream I kissed this girl Cathy Evans from work," Mark supplied. "A dream doesn't mean anything." He paused, making a face. "I hope. God, what if I'm straight?"

William watched Kris with concern. "It was just a dream?" he questioned.

"Yes," she said. Then shook her head. "No. There were other things." She chewed on her bottom lip. "She confuses me. Whenever I see her … I just want…"

"To fuck her brains out," Mark offered.

Kris' head shot up at the words and she blushed furiously.

"Mark," William warned.

"Don't 'Mark' me," his boyfriend argued, grabbing another chair. He pulled it closer to Kris. He pushed stray locks of blonde hair out of his face and leaned forward. "Now, your brother sucks at this stuff. So, I'm going to take over. Tell me about this girl. Is she cute?"

Kris smiled slightly at the thought of anyone calling Julianne Franqui "cute". She paused to consider her words. "She's gorgeous," was all she could come up with. Images of photo shoots and pictures she'd recently encountered while surfing the web filtered through her mind. She instantly lowered her gaze, afraid that they'd see her thoughts reflected.

"What's her name?"

Kris considered how much to say. "Julianne," she answered. She sighed. "But she's got a date on Friday. And I should be happy for her, because she's my friend, but I don't want her to date Naomi."

"Oh, so she's gay?" Mark asked.

"Yeah," Kris confirmed. "But there's no way she'd ever be interested in me. I mean she's …" She bit her tongue to keep from saying anymore. Explaining her crush on Julianne Franqui of all people wouldn't be easy. "And I'm still not really sure of what I'm feeling. I'm not even sure why I'm here. I just couldn't sleep. And I couldn't tell Leigh. She'd flip out."

"You're always welcome here," William told her.

Mark nodded. "It'll be okay," he said. "You'll figure things out. Just go with the flow of things."

Flow of things. Right. From the dark recesses of her mind, something started to emerge. "Anthony," she said, shocked that she'd somehow forgotten all about him. "I'm going away with him for the weekend."

"Well," Mark said thoughtfully, "that's good. Maybe he'll help you figure some stuff out. I mean if you really care about him, then maybe what you're feeling for Julianne is just a fleeting crush."

Yes, fleeting. Kris liked the thought of that. "Perhaps," she allowed, finding comfort in the knowledge that her feelings could be temporary.

Could be.

57.2

Tue, 14 Jan 2003 05:45:53 GMT

Kris lay awake many hours later, staring lazily at her own ceiling. Her gaze traced patterns along the glow-in-the-dark stars, in the hopes of encountering an accidental constellation.

Meanwhile, a series of random thoughts ran laps around her brain. The process was making her dizzy. She wished there was a way to make it stop. But her eyes continued to seek order in the randomness of chance.

Kris' unanswered question haunted her. Have you ever dreamed… Yes, she had admitted. No, she would not tell more. How could she? How could Kris tell Julianne that she had been the star; that all day long she kept going back to the details of the dream, half ashamed, half excited.

Her eyes closed of their own volition, and she was back in the memory of the dream. The vividness of it made her mouth dry.

Kris remembered candles; white, glowing candles surrounding a large bed. Everything else was dark. Soft, undecipherable music played from somewhere far and somewhere near. Kris couldn't tell where it was coming from. Perhaps her heart was singing. But she was alone. No. Not alone. Waiting.

Waiting.

And suddenly, she wasn't alone anymore. Julianne was there, staring at her with curious blue eyes. She seemed to be asking an unspoken question. And Kris didn't know if she had the answer.

Everything shifted. The candles were gone. Darkness dressed in moonlight bathed the sparkling tresses of Julianne's hair. And Kris was mesmerized. She wanted to paint a picture of that moment. But she was stirred from her wish by Julianne's fingers on her lips.

Julianne spoke, but Kris hadn't listened. She'd been too focused on the movement of the other woman's lips. Pressed together then apart, murmuring questions that folded themselves across the canvas of Kris' memory.

The bed was soft, Kris had somehow noticed. But Julianne's skin was softer as her fingers trailed across the smoothness of Julianne's arm. She quickly pulled her hand back, unsure of her actions, her intentions.

And then Julianne's lips were closer, moving toward her with an impossible slowness that spoke of timelessness and doubt. But Kris didn't move away, couldn't move away. And the space closed in around her, making her gasp as soft lips brushed ever so briefly against her own.

Kris' eyes opened, her heart pounding. She wanted to stop thinking about the dream, but couldn't. It was alive in her thoughts; as vivid as any memory powered by hope.

The stars on her ceiling dimmed to the point of non-existence. Her thoughts drifted.

In that moment of waiting, of questioning, she could've pulled away. She could've turned the lights on and broken the spell.

But Julianne's lips were so inviting. And when they pressed against hers once again, she let go. She let go of worry, of doubt. In that moment, she surrendered to the sweet taste of truth. She pressed harder and deeper, searching for something she hadn't known she needed.

And slowly, the world dissipated into nothingness.

Kris opened her eyes, and turned on the light.

57.1

Mon, 13 Jan 2003 07:37:05 GMT

"Oh man, you're probably gonna get this one," Julianne muttered, looking at the Trivial Pursuit card she'd picked. It was hours after their nap, and after a hearty breakfast of fruit and croissants, Kris had suggested they play a board game. Trivial Pursuit was the only one Julianne had brought, so it won by default.

But, Kris had changed the rules of the game slightly. Instead of a slice of pie for a correct answer, they'd get to ask the other a personal question. "An intellectual truth or truth game", Julianne had called it when Kris had suggested the idea. The artist had simply smiled. And now, Julianne was certain she was about to get asked something she probably wouldn't want to answer.

"Ooh, does it have to do with art?" Kris asked excitedly. "Sweet. Let's hear it."

Julianne cleared her throat. "What Botticelli painting do some wags call 'Venus on the Half-Shell'?"

Kris grinned. "The Birth of Venus," she replied smugly.

Rolling her eyes, Julianne returned the card to the back of the deck. "Okay, fine, smarty pants. What do you want to know?"

Kris was thoughtful while she thought of a question. "Do you have any birthmarks?"

Julianne felt herself blush. Where had that question come from? "Yes," she answered.

"Really? Where?" Kris asked curiously.

Julianne was about to answer, but shook her finger at Kris. "Nu-uh. You only get to ask one question. And you did, and I answered. So, it's my turn."

Pouting, Kris relented. "Fine, I'll get you next time."

Relieved for now, and hoping there wouldn't be a next time, Julianne rolled the dice. She landed on green. She groaned. "That's sports, isn't it? I don't know the first thing about sports."

"Good," Kris answered with a satisfied smirk. She took a card from the box and read, "What pro sports team is nicknamed 'the Broadway Blues'?"

Julianne thought long and hard. "Broadway… that's New York. So, um, the New York some things. Er, the Braves!"

Kris blinked at her. "That's insulting. The New York Rangers." She put the card back and shook her head. "The Braves? They're not from New York."

"I did mention the not knowing anything about sports thing, right?" Julianne said. "I could've sworn I did."

With a laugh, Kris took her turn. "Yellow."

"Which two founding fathers graced the first two stamps sold in the U.S., in 1847?" Julianne asked, hoping that Kris was as adept in history as she was in sports.

"Ben Franklin," Kris said, "and …" She scrunched up her face. "George Washington?" she ventured uncertainly.

Julianne frowned. "How do you know this stuff?" she asked, impressed in spite of the fact that she was losing.

"Should've stayed in school, Miss Franqui," Kris teased. "Hmm, so where was I? Oh, right. Your birthmark. Where is it?"

Julianne sighed. "It's on my butt."

Kris grinned. "Oh really? Interesting."

Julianne hoped that Kris's next question wouldn't be, "Which cheek?" With a resigned sigh, she rolled the dice and landed on pink. "Yes! Good."

"What Broadway play sold tickets from a Zoltar fortune teller machine in FAO Schwartz?" Kris read off.

"Big," Julianne said confidently.

"Damn," Kris cursed.

Julianne rubbed her hands gleefully. "Hmm, what can I ask?" she wondered. It had to be something evil. Very evil. "Have you ever had a dream in which you were more than friendly with another woman?"

Kris blushed at the question and looked intently at the game board. "Uhh … yes."

Now Julianne was intrigued. "Oh, really? When?"

"Nope, you used up your question. My turn," Kris said quickly. "Blue."

Julianne narrowed her eyes. She'd get her on the next one. "Okay, what Asian country boasts the largest Muslim population in the world?"

"Uh," Kris looked around as if hoping to pluck the answers from the air. "China?"

"Tsk tsk, Indonesia," Julianne replied. She took her turn. "Yellow."

"Let's hope you suck at history," Kris mumbled. "Who told Milk Wallace in 1964: 'They're going to kill me … I know too much about Elijah'?"

"Malcolm X," Julianne answered.

Kris narrowed her eyes. "I hate you."

"Right. So, what happened in this dream?" Julianne asked, grinning.

Kris shook her head. "I'm not telling."

"Then you'll have to take a dare," Julianne replied matter-of-factly.

With a sigh, Kris agreed. "Fine. What's the dare?"

Ah, there were so many possibilities, Julianne thought smugly. "I dare you to dance with me at a lesbian bar on Thursday night."

Kris cocked her head to the side, gazing at Julianne curiously, and smiled. "Okay," she answered. "Sounds interesting. I thought you were going to make me put underwear on my head and run through the second floor screaming 'fire!'"

Julianne's eyes widened and she grinned brightly.

"Don't even think about it," Kris warned, grabbing the dice. She rolled. "Yay, pink. Go art."

"What 1991 road movie was originally intended for Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn?"

"Thelma & Louise," she answered easily. "Leigh tells me all of this random stuff."

Julianne mumbled under her breath. "Okay, shoot."

"Who was the last person you had a crush on?" Kris asked.

Julianne froze at the question. She wanted to tell her. It was so tempting. But she couldn't. She didn't want to deal with the consequences that would follow. There had been enough of those lately. "I plead the fifth."

"Aw, come on," Kris said. "Tell me. Naomi, right?"

"My lips are sealed," Julianne replied, her heart aching. How would Kris take it? Would she freak out? She wasn't strong enough at that moment to find out.

Disappointed, Kris sighed. "Okay. Then, I dare you to sign up for a lesbian porn website."

Julianne stared at her. "You're kidding."

"Nope. It's one or the other, Sparky," Kris replied, smiling.

Julianne groaned and grabbed her computer. "I can't believe you're making me do this."

"Better get your credit card ready," Kris snickered. She crawled across the bed, pushing the game board to the side, and sat slightly behind Julianne so she could stare at the screen. "I must supervise."

Julianne was distracted by Kris's nearness for a moment. She wanted to lean back, to feel more of the warm softness she was sure to find there. Instead, she went into Google and typed in "lesbian porn". After a lot of clicking and closing of pop-up windows, she managed to find somewhere to register. "If this appears on the front of The Enquirer tomorrow, I'm gonna …"

"Gonna what?" Kris challenged, leaning forward to rest her chin on Julianne's shoulder.

Kiss you, Julianne thought, her heart hammering in her chest. "Are you ticklish?" she suddenly wondered.

Kris pulled back. "Uh, no," she answered.

"Somehow I don't believe you," Julianne replied, typing in her credit card digits. A few seconds later, she was registered. A world of lesbian porn lay at her fingertips. "Now, what am I supposed to do at this website?"

"I'm sure you'll find something to keep you entertained," Kris teased, moving over slightly.

Julianne put the laptop on the floor and turned to Kris. "Like?"

"Threesomes between big-breasted, sweaty blondes," Kris answered laughing.

"I prefer brunettes," Julianne replied, grinning. "And how do you know about these blondes? Go there often?"

Kris nodded in mock seriousness. "Yup. I'm addicted to lesbian porn. You've found my dirty little secret." She laughed. "Is the game over?"

"Yes I think we've embarrassed each other enough for one day," Julianne replied, closing the board and throwing the game pieces into the box. After clearing the bed, she lay down and stared up at Kris who was sitting cross-legged next to her. "So, now what?"

"I don't know," Kris answered. "I've had fun today."

"Me too," Julianne replied, hoping that wasn't Kris's way of saying she had to leave soon.

Kris looked down at her curiously. "Hey, are you ticklish?"

"No," Julianne lied.

A mischievous smile appeared on Kris's lips. "Oh really? Are you sure?"

"Remember I'm taller and stronger than you are," Julianne warned, sitting up. She needed to be on the defensive in case Kris tried anything.

"Taller, maybe, but not stronger," Kris argued.

"I am, too, stronger."

"Prove it," Kris challenged.

Julianne arched a questioning brow. "And how do you propose I do that?" she wondered.

Kris looked around thoughtfully. Then she brightened. "We'll wrestle. First to pin the other one down, wins."

Is she trying to kill me? Julianne wondered. "Fine," she agreed, because she was a masochist. A dirty, dirty masochist. "But we'll do it by the bed. I don't want to hurt you when I take you down."

Kris rolled her yes. "You're far too cocky for your own good," she said, rolling off the bed. "Come on, Sparky."

"What's with the Sparky?" Julianne asked, getting off the bed and joining Kris at the foot of it.

Kris smiled. "It's cute."

"You're so weird," Julianne said. "Now, how are we doing this? I don't want to hurt you."

"I don't know, I've never wrestled before," Kris answered lightly. "But I do have two brothers, so I think I have an advantage."

Julianne laughed. "Well, that's true. I kept my sister back with crosses and holy water." She paused. "Okay, so all I have to do is pin you down on the bed?"

"You have to try," Kris corrected.

Julianne scratched her chin thoughtfully. Okay. She stepped forward swiftly and started tickling Kris's stomach. As she'd expected, Kris started doubling over with laughter. Julianne ignored Kris's pleas and carefully, but efficiently got Kris on the bed.

"You cheater!" Kris cried, struggling to escape Julianne's tickling hands.

Julianne laughed, and grabbed Kris's hands with one of her own and pinned them down behind Kris's head. With her free hand, Julianne continued to tickle Kris. "Admit I'm stronger," she said.

"No!" Kris refused, while laughing uncontrollably. "You're a cheater!" Somehow, she managed to get one of her hands free, and that was all of the advantage she needed. Kris started tickling Julianne, which distracted the actress from her own attack. That got Kris's other hand free, and she pushed Julianne over, rolling on top of her. She laughed, pinning Julianne's hands down with both of hers. "I win."

Julianne was laughing and gasping for air, but she was still aware of the fact that Kris was straddling her waist. "You win," she admitted, smiling, though she was having trouble concentrating on anything besides the nearness of Kris's body. She swallowed.

Kris stared down at her, her laughter simmering down to a chuckle. "I should get off of you now."

"You," Julianne said, not thinking.

"What?" Kris answered.

You're the last person I had a crush on. "I don't know," Julianne responded, feeling embarrassed. "I don't know what I'm saying."

Kris smiled and let go of Julianne's arms. "Let's get something to eat. Loser's treat."

"Fair enough," Julianne answered, noting that Kris was still on top of her. She tried not to focus on the points where their bodies were touching. But she was losing that battle. Baseball. Snow. Cold water. Bill Clinton naked on a cold day. Ew.

Kris jumped up, suddenly, as if realizing she'd been there too long. "Sorry," she quickly apologized, blushing.

Julianne noticed a change in Kris's demeanor and she worried at its meaning. Can she tell how I feel? She sat up, trying to decipher Kris's mood. "For what?"

Kris paused before answering. "For popping your mighty bubble."

"Well, sometimes I need to be brought down back to earth," Julianne replied.

56.6

Sun, 12 Jan 2003 08:57:06 GMT

Julianne stepped out of the bathroom feeling refreshed. The hot water had helped to clear her thoughts, but she was still annoyed with herself. She was going to have to find a way to set her romantic feelings aside. Somehow.

Finding the bedroom empty, Julianne went in search of her guest. She found the artist in the kitchen a moment later. "Sleep well?" she asked, tightening her bathrobe around her waist.

"I'm in love with your bed," Kris answered, leaning against the counter. "I didn't want to get up."

Julianne smiled, suddenly envying her own bed. "Did you finish the paper?"

Kris lowered her gaze. "No," she answered with a sigh. "I'll have to hand it in late. I fell asleep. I blame your bed."

"Sorry," Julianne said, feeling guilty. Perhaps Kris would've been better off going to the library after all.

Kris waved her hand in a dismissive manner. "It's okay." She glanced around. "You don't appear to have a coffee maker."

"I can run out and buy one," Julianne replied with a grin. "I usually just drink Coke or Sprite in the morning."

Kris gave a half-nod. "Oh, right," she said, remembering. "Got any of that?"

"Fridge," Julianne answered. "Help yourself. Are you going to class?"

"Nope," Kris answered, grabbing a can of soda. "No point. Well, I mean, there's a point, but the fact that I don't feel like going kind of counterbalances the point, and so …" She shrugged, taking sip. "What time do you have to be at the set?"

"I don't," Julianne answered. "I'm not in the scenes they're shooting today."

Kris paused in her drinking. "Why in the world are we awake at seven o'clock in the morning then?" she wondered, setting the can on the counter. She walked over and took Julianne's hand, pulling her toward the bedroom. "Let's be lazy."

Julianne let herself get dragged into the bedroom, wondering what Kris meant by "lazy." She had a fairly good idea it involved her bed somehow, and had no complains on the matter. Unfortunately. "I take it you're not a big morning person?" she guessed with an amused smile.

Kris climbed on the bed, letting go of Julianne's hand. The actress instantly missed the contact. "I value sleep," Kris confirmed, grinning up at her.

Julianne stood by the bed for a second. "I should put some clothes on," she said, realizing she was a little too naked under her robe to get into a bed with Kris. "I'll be right back." She grabbed a pair of shorts and a tee shirt from her closet, changed into them, and made her way back to the bed.

Kris had made herself comfortable, and something inside Julianne ached at the sight. But she pushed the feelings away and climbed in beside her friend, trying not to question the situation. She just wanted to enjoy the reality of it.

"What's the next scene you're shooting?" Kris asked softly, shifting her head on the pillow so she could look at Julianne more clearly.

Julianne ran the shooting schedule through her mind, trying to pinpoint where they were. "Unless Naomi changes her mind, I think my next scene is the one where Emma tells Elizabeth she's getting married."

Kris was quiet for a second. "That was sad," she said.

"It was a different time," Julianne offered, studying Kris's face, unsure of how to feel at that moment.

Kris considered. "I guess," she answered. "I bet it's not really easy these days either." She stared at Julianne for a moment. "Do you wish you were straight?"

Caught off-guard, Julianne hesitated. Did she? Maybe. Sometimes. Oftentimes. But not at that moment. "I wish I didn't sometimes feel like I wished I were straight," she answered finally. "But given the opportunity, I don't think I'd change who I am."

"That's good," Kris said. "I wouldn't change you either." She closed her eyes briefly, then opened them again. "Will you be making breakfast later?"

Julianne smiled slightly. "What would you like?"

Kris yawned and focused sleepy hazel eyes on Julianne's sleepy blue ones. "Surprise me," she replied.

"Okay," Julianne agreed softly, running various breakfast ideas through her mind. She kept her gaze fixed on Kris. The artist had closed her eyes again. She watched and waited until Kris's breath evened, until she was certain that Kris was asleep.

"I love you," she whispered, barely audibly, into the world where unheard thoughts resided. She hadn't meant to say it; hadn't wanted to think it. But she was tired and her mind was clouded again. It was too much, being there with Kris by her side; too much, and not quite enough. Still, it was enough for now.

She closed her eyes, willing her mind to rest.

56.5

Sat, 11 Jan 2003 05:49:30 GMT

When Julianne opened her eyes, the first thing she noticed was the time glowing bright and red on her alarm clock: 6:46. Had she really slept all night? Well, at least her headache was gone; that was the second thing she noticed. The third thing came a second later when Julianne turned over and found herself face to face with a peacefully slumbering Kris.

Julianne's breath caught in her throat and she felt her heart skip several beats. She waited several moments to see if Kris would wake up, but the artist didn't stir. Julianne relaxed slightly. She knew she should get up and take a shower, but the view from her current position was far too beautiful to ignore.

Unable to resist the temptation, Julianne pushed several strands of hair from Kris's face. She pulled her hand away quickly, afraid that she'd get caught, but Kris continued to sleep. Stop staring at her, she commanded herself.Get up. Get up. Get up. Stop being creepy and stalkerish.

Julianne sighed quietly. In spite of her screaming conscience, she couldn't help but enjoy the moment. It wasn't every day she got to wake up beside the woman she loved. How did I get myself into this mess? she wondered.And why is she so beautiful? The actress quietly studied the gentle features of Kris's face, her gaze locking on soft, full lips long enough to regret it. What am I doing?

Angry with herself, Julianne rose quickly from the bed and headed for the bathroom.

Hazel eyes slowly fluttered open. Kris stared around for a moment, trying to figure out where she was. Julianne's. The paper. Oh, shit, the paper. Kris sat up with a start, grabbing her laptop. She'd only closed her eyes for a second, or at least, she'd thought it was a second. She glanced at the time. Crap!

She stared at the computer screen, trying desperately to figure out how to write four more pages by nine o'clock. She still had to get back to campus. After a moment of freaking out, she gave up and put the computer down. There was no use. She'd just have to hand the paper in late.

With that matter resolved, she yawned and settled back into the covers. No wonder she'd fallen asleep. Julianne's bed was so comfortable. It was like sleeping on a fluffy white cloud.Mmm…she thought blissfully, her eyes closing.I don't know how she gets up in the mornings. Speaking of which…

Tired eyes opened once again, this time narrowed slightly. She listened intently to her surroundings, trying to decipher the actress's location. The sound of running water was a clear enough indicator.

Satisfied with knowing where Julianne was, Kris let her eyes close. But her thoughts drifted instantly to Julianne and Julianne was in the shower. And … why was she picturing Julianne in the shower? Kris shook her head, trying to clear the images from her mind. Her heart was pounding and she wasn't entirely sure why. God, I must be really tired.

But the images floated back into her subconscious. Drops of water cascading over soft, soap-covered skin …Her eyes snapped open. She blinked up at the ceiling, feeling ridiculous and aroused and … aroused?"What the hell?" she wondered. "I need coffee. Lots of coffee."

56.4

Wed, 08 Jan 2003 05:59:52 GMT

"You've never had pancakes for dinner?" Kris asked, torn between being aghast at the revelation and wanting to moan at how good the pancakes were. She opted to keep both reactions at bay for the time being, and focused on taking another bite. If she could afford her, Kris would hire Julianne as her personal chef.

Julianne shrugged from her place on the bed. "I think Mother would flip out if she knew this is what I was eating," she answered. "She wouldn't be too pleased with the fact that we're eating on the bed, either. She's rather fond of that intrinsic object known as the dinner table."

Kris smiled, unable to believe that Julianne's mom could be that exacting. "Maybe if they were Ralph Lauren pancakes," she suggested.

"I don't think Ralph has ventured into the pancake-making business," Julianne replied with a smile.

"I just found out the other day that he makes paint," Kris said, amazed still. "Paint. I wonder what kind of people actually buy that."

Julianne glanced down guiltily and concentrated on the remaining pieces of her food.

Kris pointed her fork at Julianne. "You bought Ralph Lauren paint?" she asked incredulously. After a moment, she laughed. "Well, I guess that answers my original question."

"Hey, it was Adrian's idea," Julianne said defensively. "And it looks nice."

Kris smiled and finished the last of her dinner. There was something she was meaning to bring up, but she wasn't sure she'd reached that level of comfort with the actress yet. Still, it was either Julianne or her brother. "Um, can I ask you a personal question?" she found herself asking, wondering if she'd actually manage to get through the subject without blushing.

"What's up?" Julianne asked, staring at Kris curiously.

"How long would you wait to have sex with someone if you were in a relationship with them?" Kris blurted out.

Julianne blinked several times before answering. "Uh… I think I'm definitely the wrong person to ask."

Kris studied the actress for a moment, amused that Julianne seemed embarrassed by the question. Guess I'm not the only one. "You've really never had sex?" she asked. It was one thing for mysterious Julia to be a virgin … but Julianne Franqui?

"Only on film," Julianne answered with a shy smile. "I've never found someone I'd like to date, let alone sleep with."

"Never?" Kris found that hard to believe.

Julianne looked down at the comforter. "So, uh … why did you ask me the 'how long' question?"

Kris sighed. "I made plans to go away with Anthony for the weekend," she answered, trying to decipher Julianne's reaction. "Leigh said he probably thinks we're going to … And, I'm thinking maybe we should."

"Oh," Julianne said. "Well, um, do you love him?"

The question caught Kris off-guard. She'd never thought of Anthony in terms of love. Was she in love with him? She wasn't sure. Maybe after this weekend she'd know. "Ask me again after the weekend," she answered. "So, what do you think?"

"About?"

"About me sleeping with him," Kris clarified.

The ringing cell phone interrupted Julianne's answer. "Excuse me," she said, taking the object from her nightstand. "Franqui," she greeted, rising from the bed.

Kris grabbed her laptop and made a point to look like she wasn't eavesdropping, even though she was. She couldn't help it after she realized it was Naomi on the other end.

"Friday?" Julianne was saying. "Sure, I'd love to. What time? … Okay. See you then …" Laughter. "I don't think so … Okay, bye." Click.

Quickly, Kris deleted all the gibberish she'd been typing and did her best to look busy.

"How much do you have done?" Julianne asked, sitting back down on the bed.

"Approximately nothing," Kris replied, sighing. "I'm never going to finish this."

Julianne went to get up. "I'll leave you alone, then. I don't want to distract you."

Without thinking, Kris grabbed Julianne's hand. "Stay," she said. She stared down at her hand, which held the actress's, then let go. "It's your bed. And you're not distracting me. I just can't write papers." She sat back with a sigh. Before she could talk herself out of it, she said, "So … you have a date or something?"

"Um," Julianne said, looking shy again. "Kind of. I'm not sure what's going on."

Kris nodded, her stomach doing odd things at the confirmation. "Do you like her?"

"She's beautiful," Julianne said thoughtfully. "I don't know her well enough to know if there's anything there yet, though."

"Maybe you'll find out on Friday," Kris said with a smile she didn't quite feel. What is wrong with me? Her gaze landed on the computer screen. Stupid paper.

Julianne pulled down the covers on her side of the bed and got in. "I'm taking a nap," she announced. "My headache is coming back."

Kris nodded. "I should go. I can finish this at the library."

Julianne frowned. "You're not bothering me. Finish it. I promise not to snore too loudly."

Kris laughed at that. "Deal."

Julianne smiled at her and turned on her side.

Kris bit her lip, her gaze resting on Julianne's form for a second longer than necessary. She loved it when Julianne smiled at her. The actress had the most beautiful smile. Shaking her head, she turned back to the paper, determined not to let anything else distract her.

56.2 - 56.3

Wed, 01 Jan 2003 10:36:10 GMT

Kris stared blankly at the document on her screen. After a moment, she typed in her name, the name of the class, the name of the professor and the date. She sat back, feeling productive. Why was writing an English paper such a difficult task? The cursor blinked expectantly, reminding her once again why she was an artist and not a writer.

She sighed, looking away.

Fortunately, the sound of the door opening offered a welcomed distraction. "Hey!" Kris greeted happily, from her place at the kitchen table. "You're home early."

Leigh stepped into the kitchen and dropped down on a chair across from Kris. "Naomi wanted to shoot some solo scenes with Samantha, so she let the rest of us go." She nodded toward the computer. "Email?"

"Paper," Kris corrected, her enthusiasm at seeing Leigh quickly evaporating at the unfortunate reminder. "Due tomorrow morning."

Leigh shook her head. "I don't get why you're always taking English classes. You're an Art major. What do you need …" She paused as she looked at what Kris had been reading "…Foucault for?"

Kris shrugged. At that moment she didn't have a very good answer. Temporary insanity, perhaps? "I needed a class and this one was open. Who knew Literary Theory would be so boring?" She stared disdainfully at the copy of Foucault's "What is an Author?"

"Um, I'm going to go out on a limb, but I'd have to guess that the majority of the known world has been let in on the fact that Lit Theory equals snooze fest." Leigh reached forward and grabbed the Xeroxed copies. From them she read, "'In dealing with the "author" as a function of discourse, we must consider the characteristics of a discourse that support this use and determine its differences from other discourses.'" She arched a brow. "Um… right." She quickly handed them back. "Have fun."

Kris sighed again. "So, what are you up to?" she asked.

"I invited some people over," she answered apologetically. "Sorry. I didn't know you were doing homework."

"It's okay," Kris said, wondering how to ask whether Julianne was among the invited. "Who's coming?"

Leigh appeared thoughtful as she counted off on her fingers. "Jeremy, Steve, Kim, Ignacio and Summer."

Kris hoped she hid her disappointment well. "Is Julianne still at the set?" she found herself asking.

"Nope. I invited her, but she said she wasn't feeling well," Leigh answered, looking at Kris curiously. "Sorry," she added with a smirk.

Kris stared at the computer screen in order to avoid Leigh's gaze. Julianne wasn't feeling well? What did she have? A cold? The flu? Something worse? And she was all alone in that big empty apartment. Kris bit her lip thoughtfully, lost in thought. That is, until Leigh cleared her throat loudly.

"I said, anything new in your life?"

Suddenly, Kris perked up. "Anthony and I are going away for the weekend."

The shocked look on Leigh's face was priceless. "You're what?"

"Going. Away," Kris said, making sure to emphasize each syllable. "His parents rented a cabin in the woods up north. They had a change of plans and left it to us."

Leigh sat back in her chair, shaking her head in amazement. "I don't believe it. You're finally going to give it up."

Now Kris was confused. "Give it up? What are you talking about?"

"Don't tell me you slept with him already and didn't tell me." Leigh sounded upset.

Kris blinked. "Slept with …" Then she realized what Leigh was implying. "Oh, no, no. I'm not going to sleep with him. We're just going to spend the weekend together. It should be fun."

"Erm .." Leigh coughed. "Hold on. So, you and Anthony discussed that there would be no sex going on up in the cabin of love?"

"Well," Kris frowned, "No."

Leigh nodded. "I see. So, he invited you to go away with him, alone, to a cabin in the woods--again, alone--and you don't think the boy has sex on the mind?"

Kris chewed on her bottom lip. "It didn't occur to me."

"Amazing," Leigh said, shaking her head once again.

Kris glanced nervously at the floor. "But I did tell him I wanted to wait until I got married."

Leigh rolled her eyes. "Kris, you watch Sex & the City. Do you want what happened to Charlotte to happen to you?"

"That's a TV show," Kris began, thinking that Leigh was being ridiculous.

"News flash: impotence happens," Leigh stated. "The last thing you want is to save yourself for however many years and then come home to a flaccid penis."

Kris blushed.

"Next thing you know, you're shagging your husband's parents' gardener," Leigh added, shaking her head. "It's a pity. Although, the gardener was really hot…" She got lost in her thoughts for a moment.

Glancing away from her best friend, Kris sighed softly. Was it foolish to wait? Was anybody waiting anymore? And what if she waited and it was a mistake? Maybe it wasn't so much about saving herself for marriage, maybe it was just fear. Turning back to Leigh, she asked, "Have you slept with Jeremy?"

"Not technically," Leigh answered. "But I probably will tonight." She winked.

Kris didn't bother to ask what the 'not technically' meant. She had a paper to write and this was not the place to do it. She closed up the laptop and packed it up in its case.

Leigh watched silently for a moment. "What are you doing?" she asked finally.

"I'm going to go to the library," Kris answered, though a part of her knew that's not where she'd end up. "I really need to get this paper done."

"Hey, if you want me to take everyone somewhere else, I can do that," Leigh offered. "I really didn't mean to make you leave."

Kris smiled. "Nah, don't worry about it. I would've probably ended up leaving anyway." She kissed Leigh's cheek. "Have fun tonight. Be careful," she warned, but winked. "I'll be home late, probably, so …"

Leigh smiled. "Good luck with that Foofoo guy."

"Foucault?" Kris guessed. "Thanks." She laughed and headed out the door. It was true that the paper had to be written, but first, there was someone she needed to check up on.

Julianne woke to the subtle sound of knocking. She looked around her bedroom for a moment, trying to figure out why she'd fallen asleep. The pounding in her head was an instant reminder. The knock came again, and she groaned as she made her way across the apartment to answer it.

Her headache was momentarily forgotten as she stared at her visitor. "Hey," she greeted softly. She was certain that her heart had skipped several beats once her brain had processed who was standing there. "I wasn't expecting you."

Kris looked at her with concern. "Did I wake you?" she asked.

"No," Julianne lied, and then realized her disheveled appearance was a dead giveaway. "Yes. Kind of. I took a short nap."

"Leigh told me you weren't feeling well," Kris said.

Julianne wondered if Kris had come all the way there just to check up on her. The thought almost made her smile. She cares about me. "Just a headache," she answered.

"Is it bad?" Kris asked gently.

"It's getting better," Julianne lied.

Kris smiled. "You really are a bad liar," she said. "Are you going to invite me in?"

Julianne stepped quickly aside to allow her visitor entrance. She glanced at the bag Kris had strapped to her shoulder. "Are you moving in?"

"Ha," Kris said, smiling. She shook her head. "I have a paper due tomorrow and Leigh invited some people over. I figured I'd stop by and check on you and then head back to the library."

Julianne stared at Kris for a moment. "Kind of out of your way," she said lightly, hoping it didn't make Kris uncomfortable.

"I was worried about you," the artist confessed. "Is that weird?"

Julianne grinned, feeling giddy. Her headache started to fade. "I'm flattered, not that many people worry about me." She sensed an awkward silence approaching so she quickly added, "Have you eaten? Cause I haven't. I can make you some dinner. You can work on your paper here, if you'd like."

Kris appeared to mull over the idea. Finally, she said, "What are you making?"

Julianne grinned and led her guest to the kitchen. "What are you in the mood for? I'm pretty stocked."

"Pancakes," Kris answered.

Julianne turned, her brow arched in question. "You want pancakes for dinner?"

"Is that weird?" Kris smiled.

Julianne grinned. "Probably, but we can be weird together. Although, that's hardly well-balanced."

Kris slid the laptop case off her shoulder and leaned against the kitchen counter. "You know, I really don't get you. You like to eat healthy, but you can't last five minutes on an exercise machine?"

"Well," Julianne began, gathering the ingredients for her pancake feast, "it's really very simple. I have my very own nutritionist, but forgot to hire a personal trainer." She winked. "Now, what kind of pancakes would you like? Blueberry, chocolate chip, raspberry …"

"I'll just take plain ones," Kris answered. After a pause she asked, "Are you making these from scratch?"

"Yup. Why? Is that weird?" Julianne smiled, risking a glance at those hazel eyes.

Kris smiled back, in a way that Julianne found disarming. "Where should I hook this up?" she asked, lifting up the case.

"You'll probably be more comfortable in my room. You can sit on the bed."

Kris stared at Julianne for a short moment. "Are you sure I'm not inconveniencing you?"

"Pancakes and your company, what more could a girl want?" Julianne said, before she could edit herself. Quickly, she added, "I should probably make the bed, though. I left it all a mess."

Kris held up her hand to stop her. "You make the pancakes, I'll take care of the bed." And then she disappeared toward the bedroom before Julianne could argue.

Julianne grinned to herself, feeling dorky but happy. Pancakes for dinner, she mused. What a strange but interesting woman. Oh, and hot, too. Can't forget that. Headache all but forgotten, she turned to the task at hand.

55.4-56.1

Wed, 11 Dec 2002 01:39:53 GMT

Kris's breath caught in her throat at the suddenness of finding Julianne's lips so impossibly close to her own. It took her a moment - too long-to finally pull back, and she wondered at her hesitation. For a moment she'd almost considered … almost wanted to…

No.

The word echoed through the walls of her mind, silencing all other thoughts. No. She'd been caught off-guard. It had taken her a moment to react; that was all. She begged her heart to slow down, afraid that Julianne would hear it above the movie, and wonder what it meant.

Kris felt something soft and light bounce off her cheek, her thoughts instantly shifting. She glanced questioningly at the actress who was doing a poor job of looking innocent. "Did you just throw popcorn at me?" she asked, her brow arching.

Julianne gasped in mock surprise. "I would never do anything like that," she replied. "What if it got out?"

And here Kris had thought that Leigh was the only freak who threw popcorn. But, at least her best friend had the courtesy to aim it at the television screen. Kris grinned, relaxing slightly. If Julianne didn't feel awkward, then why should she? Her gaze fell on the movie screen. How much of the movie had she missed? She had no idea. It wasn't that good, anyway.

Kris grabbed a handful of popcorn and contemplated her next move. She could throw one so that things would be even. Or two. Or, she could be really daring and throw the whole thing. The thought made her smile. Her mother would certainly not approve of this behavior. But, her mother wasn't there.

She waited until Julianne appeared totally lost in the movie. Then, as subtly as possible, she drew her hand to the side and then let the popcorn fly.

Startled by the unexpected action, Julianne jumped in her seat, sending the bucket of popcorn flying into the air. It crashed on the floor several seconds later, its contents scattering across the floor.

Kris shrank down in her seat, unable to stop laughing. Several people shouted at them to be quiet, which only made Kris laugh harder, though she was trying her best to stop.

Beside her, Julianne was trying to hide her face. "Do you want to get out of here?" the actress suggested after a moment.

Through her giggles, Kris nodded. She followed the actress down the row, excusing herself as she bumped into random people's knees.

Finally, they made it outside and burst into laughter.

"I've never seen anyone jump that high," Kris teased, as they began their descent down the busy streets of Manhattan. "It was just popcorn, you know."

"Shut up!" Julianne said, laughing. "I only threw one at you, not a whole army of them."

"Oh, so you admit it, then!"

Julianne paused. "Um, admit what?" She smiled. "And anyway, I'm jumpy by nature."

"Well, you should've thought of that before you attacked me," Kris told her. "You can't just challenge me and expect to get away with it. It doesn't work that way."

"Fair enough," Julianne replied, grinning slightly. "So, what are we doing now that you ruined our movie-going experience?"

Kris stuck her hands inside her jacket pockets, wishing to warm them. "I don't know. What do you want to do?"

"Whatever you want."

"I'm kind of hungry," Kris admitted.

Julianne nodded. "Okay, what do you want to eat?"

"There's a great vegan restaurant around here," Kris suggested, hoping the actress didn't mind. "Unless there's something else you'd like to eat."

"I'm open to anything," Julianne replied. "So, how's school going?"

Kris shrugged. "It's school. I have a nice long paper to write for Monday."

"Shakespeare?" Julianne asked hopefully.

Kris laughed at Julianne's tone. "I never thought I'd say this, but I wish it were on Shakespeare," she answered, shaking her head. "But alas, I have to write it on Foucault. I hate Foucault. At least Shakespeare had fairies. Foucault has …" She struggled to remember what her paper was on. "The author something."

"Function?" Julianne guessed.

"Right. The author function." Kris nodded. "I mean, how complicated is that? The author writes. That's his function, end of story. Why the need to complicate things further by writing long, pretentious essays that analyze everything to death?"

Julianne just smiled.

"You probably like all that stuff," Kris guessed.

"I think it's interesting," Julianne admitted. "But I think I'd like it less if I was expected to write papers all the time."

"I thought you were a Comparative Lit major."

"Yeah, for like three semesters," Julianne answered. "And then I got cast for Guardian, and other roles started appearing. I really hated college. It's not for everyone, I guess."

Kris nodded. Sometimes she felt like college was a waste of her time, but it was important. At least, that's what everyone kept telling her, so it had to be true. "Do you regret dropping out?"

"Can't say that I do," Julianne replied. "I mean, it's nice to have a degree in something, but I'm doing what I love to do. And if I ever stop acting, then I can easily go back to school. Study something pointless, like Latin."

"Why Latin?"

Julianne smiled and shrugged. "I don't know. Why not?"

Kris nodded. "I guess it's nice, having that luxury," she said, not meaning it negatively. It was just a fact. "Not having to worry about money or anything."

"I've been lucky," Julianne agreed.

Kris motioned for them to turn the corner. The restaurant was close. "So, what do you think you'd want to do if you weren't an actress?"

Julianne considered the question for a long moment. "A poet."

"Aren't you that already?"

Julianne glanced at her. "What do you mean?"

"I just think, there's some things you're born being," Kris said.

"Like an artist?" Julianne guessed.

Kris simply smiled. She didn't think the question needed any confirmation. "Do you think you were born to be an actress?" she wondered.

"Yes," Julianne said without hesitation. "I guess you're right. Some things you just are."

"We're here," Kris said, stopping in front of the dingy little restaurant with its neon sign only partly working. She hoped it was okay. "I know it's not much, but the food is good."

Julianne glanced at her. "Hey, I survived a Grey's Papaya experience," she answered. "I'm ready for anything."

Kris laughed, pulling the door open. "Who took you there?"

"Naomi," Julianne answered, following Kris inside. "The director."

The sadness hit Kris again, this time stronger; this time tinged with something else, something she vaguely recognized as jealousy. But she dismissed it as rapidly as it had come, locking it up tight in a vault in her mind, right alongside her reaction to Julianne's proximity at the movie theater. Right where it should be.

56

Kris walked slightly behind Anthony as they headed up the spiral ramp of the Guggenheim Museum. It had been the third time they'd been there together, and as much as Kris loved art, she was bored. Couldn't they do something else?

"I really love this piece," Anthony commented.

Kris glanced at it briefly before looking away. He always said the same thing. He loved that piece. He loved the way it made him feel; free, like he could try anything. She was inclined to disagree. The photograph didn't make her feel free at all. It made her feel trapped, like a caged animal at the zoo. Kind of how she felt at that moment. "Do you think we could get something to eat soon?" she asked, hoping he'd get the hint.

"Sure," he answered, taking her hand. "There's just a few more I want to see." He smiled at her. "Unless you're really that hungry?"

She was tempted to say yes, that she was starving. But he looked so hopeful and happy here. How could she drag him away? "No, let's go see the other pieces," she replied, wrapping her fingers around his. "I can wait."

And she could. This wasn't so bad. Why was she so impatient? Perhaps it was the fact that she still hadn't started her Foucault paper and it was due the next day.

Unfortunately, she'd been too busy spending her hours at the set. It was fascinating to watch everything come together. And watching Julianne and Leigh perform was particularly intriguing. Foucault papers were far from her mind at those moments.

"Do you want to go somewhere tonight?" Anthony was asking as he led her through the crowds of people.

Kris shook her head. "Can't. I've got that paper to write."

Anthony frowned, glancing back at her. "I thought you were going to get that done yesterday."

Kris had thought so, too. But she'd grown distracted by the Internet. She hadn't realized there were so many websites about Julianne. Some of the pictures she'd found were just … wow. Remembering her boyfriend, she made a slight shrugging motion. "Things came up."

He seemed disappointed, but quickly smiled. "Hey, let's get you something to eat," he said suddenly. "I wanted to talk to you about something anyway."

Kris was surprised by the rapid change in mood. "Okay," she agreed.

Anthony led them in the opposite direction, heading down through the winding passageways of endless portraits and paintings.

Once outside, they started toward Central Park. Kris wasn't really that hungry. She insisted that a pretzel from one of the vendors would hold her over.

"So," Anthony started saying, "what are your plans for next weekend?"

Kris thought about it for a moment. She had reading to do, but that was about all. "Just some reading, why?"

Anthony grinned. "Well, my parents rented this cabin up north for the weekend, but it turns out that they can't go because Sam has this thing for school that they have to attend. So, they said I should take you."

Kris blinked, trying to understand what Anthony was saying. "You want me to go away with your for the weekend?"

"Yeah," Anthony said, excitedly. "We'll leave Friday after classes and come back Sunday night. It'll be so much fun. We'll have the cabin all to ourselves."

Three days? Three days alone with her boyfriend in a cabin in the woods? It sounded … great! More than great. It was perfect. It would give her a chance to really spend time with Anthony without all the museums and stuff. They could talk for hours. It would be sweet and romantic. And best of all, she'd be away from all of the confusion surrounding her life lately.

"So, what do you think?" Anthony asked hesitantly, his tone revealing his worry.

Kris smiled brightly. "I think it's a wonderful idea!" she answered, throwing her arms around his shoulders. "I can't wait."

Anthony beamed, hugging her back. "Excellent. I'll let my parents know not to cancel the arrangements."

Kris nodded, grabbing a hold of his hand. "Now, where's my pretzel?"

"Right this way, my lady," Anthony instructed happily.