| Chapter 66 (Conclusion) |
[04 Aug 2003|06:42pm] |
And here it is. Before you all kill me, I swear there will be a sequel. Just don't ask me when it'll be up :)
I also wanted to say thank you for reading this and keeping up with it. It means a lot to me.
There will be a few changes made in the final draft of TBSOL. I'll post a final version when it's complete. I'm not yet sure what exactly will change, but I don't think I got it all right on the first go. :)
Anyway, enjoy.
~Dreams
dreams@midnightisland.com
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| 64.3 - Chapter 65 |
[28 Jul 2003|12:28am] |
A friend of mine asked me to dedicate this update to her sweetie so, this is for someone special and precious, from her own private lovefool. :)
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TBSOL will be concluded on August 4th.
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| 64.1 -64.2 |
[23 Jun 2003|02:47am] |
Kris had never seen a house so beautiful up close. She’d been watching it attentively from her seat in Julianne’s limousine. The closer they got to it, the more breathtaking it became. Kris felt a lump in her throat at the realization that this was her destination. It seemed too beautiful to be real. She turned to look at Julianne, to share her thoughts, but the actress was in the middle of what sounded like an important conversation.
Not wanting to intrude, Kris leaned her head against the window and lost herself in the images flying past. It felt almost like a fairy tale, being in Julianne’s world. Manhattan seemed so far away at that instant. It was as though she had stepped into an alternate reality, and this was now her life. She lifted her head, glancing at Julianne for a moment before returning her gaze to the outside world.
Except, it wasn’t her life. She was fully aware of that. This was just a snippet, a peek at something outside of her sphere of existence. She was merely getting to taste a free sample of success.
“Ah, home sweet hell,” Julianne laughed, leaning against Kris to look out of the window.
Kris loved the heat of Julianne’s body. She wanted to lean into it, to feel more. Why did simple contact feel so complicated? “It’s beautiful,” Kris said, trying to concentrate on the scenery.
“It’s pompous and pretentious,” Julianne said. “They always have the lights on in all of the windows so it looks more majestic. My mother’s idea.”
“Sounds like a large electric bill,” Kris said, though she couldn’t even imagine how large.
Julianne sat back, reclaiming her previous spot near the opposite window. “I don’t think my mother has ever seen a bill.”
Kris noted that Julianne’s tone was more matter-of-fact than judgmental. She wondered if Julianne herself had ever looked at a bill. It didn’t seem likely, given Julianne’s smooth transition from spoiled rich kid to super stardom. Luck seemed unevenly distributed among the masses.
The limousine rolled to a stop, and the chauffeur stepped out to open the door for them. Once outside, Kris stared up at the mansion with an uneasy feeling. She had no idea what to expect. But she wanted to meet Julianne’s family; she wanted to see, first hand, what Julianne grew up with.
“Ready?” Julianne asked.
Kris glanced up at her and offered a brief smile. “I don’t know. Are you?”
“Never,” Julianne replied. She glanced up at the house and sighed. “Let’s get this over with. Whatever you do, don’t look directly into my mother’s eyes.”
Kris smiled, relaxing slightly, and followed Julianne toward the front door. Before they had a chance to knock, a woman who looked like an exact replica of Julianne, if quite a bit older and with short hair, opened the door.
“Opening doors now, mother?” Julianne commented. “That’s new. I didn’t think you knew how.”
Julianne’s mother didn’t reply, her gaze on Kris.
Kris shifted uncomfortably under the woman’s intense gaze, but didn’t look away. She didn’t want to appear intimidated.
After a few seconds, blue eyes shifted to Julianne’s. “Are you going to introduce your guest, Julianne? Where are your manners?”
“Mother, this is Kris. Kris, this is my mother.”
“You may call me Susan,” her mother said, turning her back to them and starting into the house. “Your father is caught in a meeting. He won’t be joining us.”
Kris glanced at Julianne with a raised eyebrow.
“After you,” Julianne indicated with a wave of her arm. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
Kris smiled and stepped into the grand foyer. If the woman wanted attitude, Kris would show her attitude.
*****
Julianne listened to the clattering of silverware against the bottom of plates. The noise, while rhythmic, only served to grate at her nerves. She wanted to take Kris’ hand and lead her friend out of there. It was too quiet. The lack of conversation bothered her.
Finally, it was Julianne’s sister that broke the silence. “So what happened with Adrian?”
Susan glanced up from her plate, seemingly torn between telling Jan to be quiet, and genuinely curious to know Julianne’s response. She opted for curiosity. “Yes, Julianne, what did happen?”
Julianne could feel all eyes watching her; her mother’s, Jan’s, and even Kris’. She didn’t want to lie in front of Kris. She didn’t want to pretend anymore, or formulate any more stories to conceal the truth. But what would admitting the truth accomplish? “I’m not in love with him,” she finally answered.
“So who are you in love with?” Jan asked.
The question made Julianne freeze. She didn’t know how to answer it without lying. “What makes you think I’m in love with anyone?” she countered, trying to stall, hoping the question would dissipate into nothingness.
Jan shrugged. “Are you?”
“Guess you’ll have to tune into Entertainment Tonight just like everyone else,” Julianne replied.
Resigned, Jan turned to Kris. “Mom was sure you were Julianne’s new boyfriend,” she informed. “She had the staff cleaning the entire house in preparation of your arrival.”
Susan cleared her throat, clearly embarrassed by her daughter’s revelation. “So, Kris, are you in the film with Julianne?”
Kris appeared momentarily thrown by the sudden attention. “No, I’m an art student at NYU. My roommate is in the film, though.”
“Kris is a very talented artist,” Julianne supplied, jumping at any chance to boast about her talents.
“Do you have a boyfriend?” Jan asked curiously.
“Is that all you ever think about?” Julianne asked, annoyed by her sister’s questions.
Jan ignored Julianne and focused her attention on awaiting Kris’ response.
Kris shook her head slightly and said, “I did. But we broke up.”
“Why?” Jan asked.
“None of your business!” Julianne snapped.
“Julianne,” Susan chastised.
Jan looked annoyed. “I’m free to have a conversation with your friend if I want to. You don’t own her. She’s perfectly welcome to tell me to shut up whenever I cross the line.”
Frustrated and more than a little angry, Julianne tightened her jaw, but didn’t say anything. Jan was right, as much as she hated to admit it. Kris was fully capable of taking care of herself.
“I wasn’t in love with him,” Kris answered, if only to put a stop to the quarreling.
“Seems to be going around,” Jan commented, glancing at Julianne.
“It can’t be easy,” Susan interjected, “being an artist in New York.”
Kris shrugged. “It’s not really easy being anyone anywhere.”
Susan stared at Kris for a moment. “Well, I suppose you would know about struggle. I have always admired your people.”
Julianne snapped her head to look at her mother. She stared, disbelieving.
Kris calmly took a sip of her drink and looked at Susan. “What people would that be?”
Susan waved her hand in a circular gesture as if to indicate that by ‘people’ she meant one giant entity: the all-encompassing minority. “Hispanics. I watch it on TV all of the time. Those poor people getting rescued from their rafts.” She shook her head and took a sip of wine. “Frankly, I can’t imagine how they manage it. Did your family arrive here by such means?”
Julianne blinked.
Jan stifled a laugh.
Kris smiled. “Yes, of course. Us Puerto Ricans escape the island by raft all of the time.”
“So it’s a common thing in your culture then?” Susan wondered. “Amazing what people get used to.”
Julianne wanted, desperately, to bang her head against the table, and pray that this was all a bad dream. She had known that her mother was evil, but ignorant and stupid, too? “They’re a commonwealth, mother. I’m certain airplanes are a tad more convenient.”
Susan absorbed this information from behind her glass of wine. Her blue eyes darted to Kris and narrowed slightly. It was clear to Julianne that her mother did not appreciate being corrected by her daughter. Especially when it resulted in personal embarrassment. It was also clear to Julianne, that Kris’ sarcasm was equally unappreciated. “Seems unfair, then, that affirmative action would still include you as a participant, no? Puerto Ricans must feel very high and mighty, having the best of both worlds.”
The humor left Kris’ eyes. “What seems unfair, ma’am, is that your idiocy is allowed to take residence in such a beautiful home as this. I’m certain that the size of this mansion is in compensation for the size of your brain.”
Jan burst out laughing but hid it with a large, dramatic cough.
Susan’s mouth hung open slightly, then shut quickly. Unable to reply, she took another sip of wine.
Julianne cleared her throat, mostly to keep from laughing herself. Kris had told off her mother. Kris. She was nearly giddy with amusement, and slightly frozen from the shock. “Well, thanks for dinner, mother,” she said, rising. “Kris and I have some matters to attend to.”
Kris rose as well, her gaze cast downward, as if she were just now realizing that she, Kris Milano, had just called Julianne Franqui’s mother, stupid.
“Julianne,” Susan said sternly, yet with an eerie calm. “Could I speak to you privately?”
It wasn’t really a question. Julianne glanced quickly at Kris. “I’ll meet you in the limo.”
Thankful that she got to wait outside, Kris nodded, and started toward the front door. She turned around, only, to offer a polite nod to Jan.
Julianne watched Kris leave and then, resigned, followed her mother into the next room.
“I don’t want you anywhere near that … that…” Her mother’s voice trailed off, anger replacing her cool demeanor.
“Her name is Kris,” Julianne said, starting to get angry herself. She couldn’t believe the things her mother had said. “Rafts, mother?”
“She should feel thankful she didn’t need one,” Susan retorted. “Those people are never appreciative. We allow them in our country and all they do is complain.”
“Do you hear yourself?” Julianne demanded.
Susan shrugged her slender shoulders. “I donate to their charities. I know what goes on. And that … whatever she is, is never allowed in this house again.”
“Like she’d want to come back!” Julianne yelled.
“Julianne, I’m not going to say this again. I don’t want you associating with such low-class filth!”
Julianne had never felt so angry in her life. The nerve of her mother! How dare she! “You no longer get to dictate my life.”
“I’m not speaking about your life, Julianne,” Susan said, her voice returning to calm, comforted by the knowledge that she’d make Julianne lose her cool. “Don’t get dramatic.”
“Kris is my life,” Julianne answered, not even shocked by the easy way the words slipped from her lips.
Susan didn’t even blink. “Stop speaking nonsense.”
“It’s not nonsense, mother,” Julianne replied, her anger fueling her courage. “It’s the truth. I’m gay. A queer, dyke, whatever you wish to call me. And I’m in love with Kris. Deny it, accept it, I don’t give a damn.” With that, she turned on her heels and headed toward the nearest exit.
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| 63.3 |
[10 Jun 2003|12:03am] |
Julianne paced around her living room, feeling frustrated and anxious. Why did she return her mother's phone calls? It seemed silly now, though it had seemed like a good idea at the time. "I can't come over for dinner tonight," she insisted for the third time in ten minutes.
"You have yet to provide me with an apt excuse, Julia," her mother replied.
Julianne closed her eyes, knowing that her mother now had the upper hand. She never called Julianne by her real name unless she was reaching her boiling point. "I have a guest," she ventured to say hoping that perhaps that served as a proper reason for skipping dinner.
"What kind of guest?"
"A friend from New York," Julianne answered. "Kris," she added, if only because she liked the sound of the artist's name on her lips.
"Are you cheating on Adrian already?"
The question was so unexpected that Julianne was speechless for a few seconds, until she realized that her mother probably assumed that Kris was a man. "Adrian and I aren't a couple any more," she answered. "I forgot to tell you."
"Is that so? Well, I hope this 'guest' of yours is worthy of your time."
Julianne found herself smiling. "More than worthy."
"Dinner starts promptly at seven," her mother answered.
"But, Kris-"
"The invitation is for two," her mother said, curtly. "Call it morbid curiosity."
Julianne didn't like the sound of that. Kris deserved better than to be a 'morbid curiosity'.
"I'm going to hang up now, Julianne. You know being on the phone too long gives me a headache. Please be on time."
"Kris is a vegetarian," Julianne blurted, feeling resigned.
"I'll inform the cook. See you tonight."
"Bye." Julianne waited for her mother to hang up first, then shut off her phone. Dinner was bound to be a nightmare. She turned around to find Kris looking at the view outside. It was strange how one person could make her feel both jarred and peaceful all in the same instance. Was love always so conflicting?
Kris looked away from the windows as Julianne approached. "Is my being a vegetarian a hot topic of conversation these days?" she asked. Then shook her head. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to eavesdrop."
Julianne looked outside for a moment, at the ocean and the sky, feeling momentarily panicked by the concept of Kris meeting her family. "Would you be at all interested in attending dinner at my parents' house?"
She looked slightly shocked, but tried to cover it. "I'd love to."
"I must warn you that they are evil people," Julianne said, her tone light, though she meant the words. "My mother and sister, especially. They make Satan cower."
"I'm sure you're exaggerating," Kris replied with a grin.
Julianne shrugged, giving up. "You'll see. I apologize in advance for the traumatizing experience you'll probably go through."
"Are you trying to scare me?" Kris asked good-naturedly.
"Is it working?" Julianne asked hopefully.
"No," Kris answered after a moment of consideration. "I think now I'm just morbidly curious."
Julianne flinched, recalling her mother's wording. There was something disturbing about her mother and Kris using similar phrasing. Or maybe it was fitting to the occasion. Only tonight's events would tell. "Funny you should say that."
"Why?"
"Apparently, my mother feels the same way about meeting you," Julianne admitted.
This seemed to confuse Kris, who frowned slightly. "Why would she be morbidly curious to meet me?"
Julianne shrugged. "Probably because genuine interest in anything besides money and gossip eludes her. Plus the fact that she probably thinks we're dating. And that you're a guy."
"Well that's a nice twist," Kris replied, smiling. "Does that mean you want me to show up to dinner in drag?"
The thought made her smile. She couldn't imagine what her mother's reaction to that would be. "I think I like you better like this, actually."
"You think?"
"Well I haven't seen you in drag yet to compare," Julianne teased.
"Good point," Kris conceded. "So, why would your mother think we were dating?"
"Well, I didn't really correct her when I suspected that's what she assumed…" Julianne wasn't sure what Kris would make of that admission.
"Are you trying to give your mother a heart attack, Julianne?" Kris asked. "Cause if you are, and she really is as evil as you say, I'd gladly pretend to be your girlfriend for the evening." She winked.
Julianne wanted to laugh at the idea, but it was hard to ignore the pang of disappointment that accompanied hearing the word 'pretend.' "She really is that evil. But, I suppose there's no need to kill the woman." She smiled.
Kris smiled back, but didn't say anything, her attention once again on the view outside.
Julianne tried not to stare, tried not to focus on the emotions coursing through her. If she'd had any ounce of courage, she would've told Kris that she didn't want her to pretend to be anything. That she'd take the real thing any day. But how could she put into words this emotional desperation she was lost in? "Are you hungry?" she asked.
"Not really," Kris replied, glancing at Julianne. "My nerves are a little wired from all of the excitement."
It was often the case that Julianne would have to step outside of herself, and into Kris' shoes in order to understand what Kris was trying to say. It was easy to forget that her life was not ordinary. It worried her, trying to figure out how they could fit in each other's world, if it was even possible to merge them. This friendship between them, how long could it last?
"Julianne?"
The actress looked at Kris, momentarily startled. "Sorry?"
There was concern in the hazel eyes. "Are you alright?"
"Just a lot on my mind," she replied.
Kris nodded. "Are you nervous about the premiere?"
The premiere? Julianne had nearly forgotten that's the reason she was there. "Um, partly," she answered, though it was the least of her concerns. "Do you want to go down to the beach?"
Kris' eyes lit up at the suggestion. "I'd love to. I haven't been to the beach in ages."
Strange the things one takes for granted when living by the sea. But Julianne was secretly pleased that she could make Kris happy. She loved her enthusiasm and her appreciation of the things that Julianne barely noticed she had. It made Julianne want to take notice. It made her want to wrap everything up with a big red bow and hand it over to Kris.
Maybe. Maybe some day. She liked to pretend there was hope.
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| 63.1 & 63.2 |
[06 May 2003|12:55am] |
Julianne stared at the clouds outside of the airplane window, wondering how anything could look so unmistakably solid, seem so undeniably present, and still be like nothing at all. She was growing tired of illusions. Was anything ever simple in this world of smoke and mirrors? Or was it all just a matter of finding peace amidst the doubt.
"You seem pensive."
Julianne turned her attention away from the window and gazed into curious hazel eyes. "Did you have a nice nap?" she asked.
Kris nodded and let out a yawn. "I didn't get much sleep last night. Traveling jitters, I guess." She glanced around the jet. "It's kind of weird not flying with hundreds of other people."
"Would it make you feel better if I sat behind you and kicked your chair?" Julianne wondered. "I don't want to rob you of the experience."
"Maybe on the flight back," Kris replied in mock seriousness. "I wouldn't want you to go out of your way for my convenience."
Julianne grinned, and relaxed into the seat. In spite of all of the mixed emotions regarding her friendship with Kris, she was content at that moment. And maybe that was all that mattered in the end.
"So what were you thinking?" Kris asked suddenly. "When you were staring out of the window."
The question caught Julianne off-guard, and she struggled to find a quick way to get out of answering. But it was stupid, she realized, to edit herself so frequently. Did she really need to paint a perfect portrait of herself for Kris' benefit? If her feelings for this woman were real, then why couldn't she just be honest? "Um," she said, looking out of the airplane window again, as if the answers were floating alongside the airplane. "I was just watching the clouds. Thinking that they're deceptive."
Kris watched her carefully, her gaze drifting to the window then back again to Julianne's eyes. "Why deceptive?"
Julianne felt incredibly ridiculous admitting her meandering thoughts. She instantly regretted having gone with the truth. It made her feel vulnerable. "I was just being silly," she answered, hoping it was enough to deter the topic. "Are you thirsty?" she added.
"No," Kris responded. She glanced out of the window again. "Why deceptive?" she asked again.
The actress sighed quietly, then gave up trying to avoid the question. "Switch seats with me," she said suddenly.
"What?"
"Switch," Julianne said again. "If I'm going to explain then you need a better view."
Kris seemed confused but switched seats with Julianne without further question. Once she was settled in the window seat, she glanced expectantly at the world outside. "What am I looking at?"
"I don't know. What do you see?"
"Clouds," Kris answered automatically, looking back at Julianne. "Will the questions get harder as we go along?"
Julianne smiled. "What do they look like? And if you say 'clouds' I'm going to tickle you mercilessly when we get to California."
A raised eyebrow was Kris' response, before turning back to the window. "Was that a threat, Miss Franqui?"
"Maybe."
Kris smiled, but didn't reply. Instead, she took a deep breath and focused on trying to decipher what Julianne was trying to get her to see. "They remind me of cotton candy," she said finally.
"Why cotton candy?" Julianne wondered.
"Just the texture. They look soft."
"And edible?" Julianne teased.
Kris laughed. "You're not answering my original question."
"Why are clouds deceptive?" Julianne shrugged and nodded to the window. "I invite you to try and test your cotton candy theory."
Kris thought about it for a moment and smiled. "I see. But why is that important?"
"What?"
"Why is their not being what they appear to be important to you?"
Julianne realized that was Kris' real question, and that was a harder one to explain. Or maybe not. Maybe nothing was ever really hard to explain unless you wanted to skid around the truth. "Because nothing ever is," she told her.
"Important?"
"No, what it appears to be."
Kris considered that. "Maybe you just have to look closer."
******
"Oh, my God, this is beautiful," Kris breathed, as she stepped inside Julianne's house. Her gaze immediately flew to the glass windows across from her. She could almost see the ocean from where she was standing. She tore her eyes from the view and looked around. Everything was so … bright.
It was strange to look outside and see endlessness, instead of the usual shadows cast by buildings overhead. It made her feel like she was standing in the foyer of a palace. Or at least something out of an episode of MTV Cribs.
"You like?" Julianne asked, looking around. "It's not much."
At first, Kris thought that Julianne was being sarcastic, but then realized she wasn't. Julianne actually sounded unsure, self-conscious even. She glanced around again, amazed that two people could look at the same thing and see something totally different. "Well, I'm a little disappointed that the walls aren't lined with diamonds. And I suppose gold-trimmed tiles wouldn't hurt either."
"Your sarcasm is duly noted, Miss Milano," Julianne replied. "May I show you to your quarters?"
Kris gasped in mock surprise. "There's no butler?"
Julianne rolled her eyes and started walking.
"How about a maid?" Kris continued, following her hostess toward the living room. She paused to look at the view a little closer. The beach was right below. "This is like a dream house. I can't believe you live here."
Julianne turned around and glanced at Kris seriously. "You can stay here whenever you want, for as long as you'd like. Even if I'm not here."
Kris looked at the actress and smiled. "What fun would that be?" she asked. "But thanks." She followed Julianne to the guest bedroom and dropped down her stuff. "It has a balcony?" Kris walked across the room and slid open the glass doors that led to the small balcony. Warm, salty air instantly brushed against her face as she stepped outside. She stared at the view of the ocean ahead. "I'm marrying your house."
"You could just as easily marry me," Julianne replied. "I promise the sex would be better."
Kris' heart leapt up her throat. She could feel her entire body responding to those words. She's kidding. Laugh. She laughed, trying not to sound as nervous as she felt. What do I say to that?!
Thankfully, Julianne changed the subject. "I'll let you get settled. Come find me when you've gotten bored of the view."
"That might be never," Kris answered, with a slight smile. She wasn't kidding either. She could easily stare at the ocean forever.
"Then I'll find you, when I get bored of waiting." Julianne winked and walked away, leaving Kris alone with the Pacific Ocean.
Kris smiled and leaned against the railing, feeling the breeze in her hair. She willed herself not to think about anything; not the way that Julianne looked when she smiled or moved or breathed. Or the way her voice sounded when she talked or laughed or whispered. Kris didn't want to think about the way her body tingled when Julianne's was near, even when they weren't even touching.
Kris wanted, merely, to exist, peacefully, at that moment, without the complications of emotions, and strange body responses. Marry her? Better sex? Jesus. She's trying to kill me.
She stared at the water for a few minutes longer, then went back into the room. She hadn't really noticed it before, having been distracted by the balcony. The walls were a light shade of blue, with framed black and white photographs of unfamiliar landscapes lined across them. There was a double bed, neatly made, and a dresser with a mirror. Kris wondered how many guests Julianne usually had. She couldn't imagine that there would be many.
Kris took a deep breath and sat at the end of the bed, debating on whether to unpack or meet back up with Julianne. It was silly that she was already missing the actress when they hadn't been apart for more than fifteen minutes. For the sake of stubbornness, she decided to unpack. She was sure that Julianne wanted some time to settle in.
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| Chapter 63 |
[05 Apr 2003|08:45pm] |
Wednesday, 1:02am
Life felt more serious when cloaked in silence.
She watched the glowing numbers on the alarm clock, seemingly brighter in the darkness of the room. What she wanted was to close her eyes and surrender. She wanted to ignore the way time passed slowly, only when she remembered it was there.
But her mind was oblivious to her wishes. It was a mirror reflecting what she felt, but not controlling how she felt it. And her thoughts projected light onto the silver screen of unwanted consciousness: forcing her to think, forcing her to feel …demanding her attention.
Julianne stared at the paintings on the wall, now dark and grotesque in the presence of shadows: strange how beauty was so easily distorted by the absence of light. She was growing tired of darkness … of the pain.
Mistakenly, she had assumed that she could control it. She couldn't remember the moment when she'd felt herself falling, and let go. But she blamed it on the silence: the pauses, the comas, the breaths between words. All of those moments too intangible to mention had somehow convinced her that she could take on the night.
And now she realized why she had always opted for solitude. Until now, she hadn't had a clue what it meant.
Wednesday, 1:46am
Cons:
- Disowned by family
- No legal marriage (Vermont?)
- No kids (adoption, artificial insemination?)
- Sin?
- Hiding
- Shame
- Fear
Pros:
Kris stared at the computer monitor and sighed. Were there any pros to being gay? She couldn't think of any. "God, this is depressing," she muttered, closing down the Word document. Society sure didn't make it easy. How did Mark and William get up in the morning? Or Julianne for that matter.
Julianne…
She eyed the telephone by her bed. Was the actress asleep? Probably. It was nearly two in the morning. Then again, she wasn't altogether sure that Julianne ever slept. Still, if she called, the possibility stood that she would say things she didn't want to say.
Then again, if she didn't call, she would have to spend the rest of the night wondering if Julianne was still awake. Then at some point, the fantasies would start implanting themselves upon her subconscious, making her wonder dumb things like: is Julianne thinking of me? Or, worse yet: Is she dreaming of me? And the corniness of her meanderings would escalate until sense, logic, and reason would dissipate into oblivion, leaving Kris frustrated, annoyed, and more often than not, breathless and turned on.
She picked up the telephone and dialed.
"Franqui."
Kris smiled into the receiver. "Did I wake you?"
"Not really. I was just watching TV. Is something wrong?"
"Only if boredom qualifies as a problem," Kris replied. She wondered if Julianne minded these post-midnight phone calls. She also wondered if there was any way of getting a recording of Julianne's voice. It was addicting. "Anything good on?"
"Infomercials," Julianne answered. "Let's see … more infomercials … news … weather … something with weird alien creatures … a naked woman riding a horse …"
Kris laughed. "Perv."
"Hey, I didn't make the movie," Julianne answered.
"Would you ever do porn?" Kris wondered.
"Sure. Right after Summer's End, I'm getting a boob job."
"I think your boobs are fine," Kris replied.
"How sweet of you to notice. I didn't know you were looking."
She knew she was blushing now. "So, how did shooting that scene go? The one we practiced." Kris noticed that the noise in the background vanished, and she wondered if Julianne had turned off the TV. Or just muted it.
"Well," Julianne began, "it started out fine. But then once Samantha and I started kissing, Naomi flipped out. She started screaming at Samantha, telling her that she was the only one I was allowed to kiss. Then, Samantha punched her. They started wrestling, and tearing at each other's clothes-"
Kris rolled her eyes, but smiled. "Are these the kind of fantasies you entertain at night?"
"Well, sometimes they're wearing white shirts and crew people throw water at them."
Kris started laughing. "What is this? The naughty side of Julianne?"
"It's late."
"Ahuh."
"It is!"
"So what really happened?"
"I delivered my lines with astounding precision," Julianne answered. "And then I kissed Samantha like she's never been kissed before."
Kris decided that she didn't like Samantha anymore. Actually, she didn't know Samantha, but that only made it easier to dislike her. "Sounds good."
"So what did you do today?"
Well, I contemplated my blooming homosexuality for about four hours. And then I thought I'd call you, and confuse myself further. "Leigh and I had a pizza and movie night. Best friend bonding time and all that."
"Have fun?"
"Yeah, it was nice getting to spend time with her," Kris answered. "Though we really didn't talk much. Jeremy called about three times."
"How are they doing?"
"As a couple? Fine, I guess. Leigh seems happy, and that's good enough for me."
"Good."
"What time are we leaving Friday?"
"I'll be picking you up at 7:30."
"That early?"
"It's going to be a long day."
Kris couldn't wait.
"Um, Kris?"
"Yeah?
"Things are going to be kind of different in California. There will probably be a lot of cameras following us around. And I'll probably have to go back to being Julianne Franqui at times."
"Who are you now?" Kris wondered.
"Me."
Kris didn't know if she understood the difference. But she had a feeling that she would soon find out.
Thursday, 3:43pm
"Are you seriously in love with Julianne Franqui?"
Kris sighed at the question, regretting having answered the phone. "Mark, I'm kind of busy at the moment."
"What are you doing?"
"Packing."
"For what?"
"A trip."
"Kris…"
She sighed once again, this time in resignation. She took a seat at the edge of her bed, pushing the suitcase aside to make room. "I'm going to California with Julianne for the weekend."
"No fucking way!"
"She has to go to the premiere of her last movie," Kris explained, knowing there was little she could say to keep Mark's imagination from running rampant. Especially after the things she'd told him.
Mark gasped. "Oh my God, I get to be the uncle of Julianne Franqui's children. Pinch me."
"I'd do more than that if you were here," Kris told him. "Look, Mark. There's really nothing going on with Julianne. She's Julianne Franqui, and I'm … well, no one. And well, we're just friends."
"Have you kissed her?"
"Of course not! Hence the 'just friends' part."
"Is she really gay?"
Kris groaned. "Please don't ask me to answer that."
"Meaning yes." Mark shrieked. "This is so unbelievable. So, what's your plan of action?"
"My what?"
"How do you plan on winning her over?" Mark explained. "Are you going to fake a nightmare so that she crawls into your bed in the middle of the night? Or wait until she's in the shower and then sneak in accidentally?"
She frowned. "I really have to get back to packing."
"Wait," Mark insisted, his tone turning slightly serious. "I kind of have to tell you something."
"What's that?" Kris asked, feeling impatient.
Mark hesitated. "Please don't kill me. But when you left me alone with Julianne that night at the club, I may have accidentally let out the fact that you were … you know, questioning. And I don't know, but I don't think I did a very good job of hiding that you were questioning your feelings about her."
Kris froze. "What?"
"I'm sorry, I just found myself saying things. And I don't remember what I said exactly."
"Mark!" Kris yelled. "Please tell me you're kidding. What did you say to her?"
"I'm sorry, Kris. I really don't remember. I'd had a bit to drink. I might have not said anything at all."
"But you think you did?" Kris insisted.
"I think I remember saying something about you questioning your sexuality," he answered.
Kris' mind was spinning. Did Julianne know? She'd die of humiliation of that was true. "I have to go."
"Are you okay?"
"A little dazed."
"Are you mad at me?"
"No. But I am going to kill you."
"That sounds fair. Have a good time in California. Don't forget to get me a souvenir."
"Mark," she warned.
"Love you! Bye." Mark hung up.
Kris clicked the phone off and tossed it on the bed. "This is really, really bad."
"What's really, really bad?"
Kris glanced at the doorway to find Leigh standing there. She hadn't realized she'd spoken out loud. "Uh, I forgot to tell one of my professors I'd be gone on Monday," she fibbed.
"Oh," Leigh replied with a shrug. "That doesn't sound so bad. I'm sure can just email them, right?"
Kris nodded. "Sure," she agreed.
Leigh stood there silently for a few seconds, looking around. She nodded at the suitcase. "All packed?"
Kris glanced at the object, feeling an odd mix of emotions at the memory of her impending trip. "Almost. Julianne wasn't very forthcoming with what kind of clothes to take."
"So take at least one of each type," Leigh suggested. She brightened. "She might take you to dinner at one of those really exclusive restaurants. You'll get to sit in the V.I.P. section and get people whispering and wondering who you are."
The thought of that made Kris ill. "Do you really think so?"
"'Who's that hot girl with Julianne Franqui', they'll whisper behind their silk napkins and gold-framed menus."
"I meant the part about going out to dinner." Kris stood, walking over to her closet. She started searching through the contents. "I have nothing to wear to something like that! I thought we'd stay in and order pizza or something."
Leigh arched a brow. "You do realize this is Julianne Franqui's house you're going to." She walked out into the living room and came back a moment later with a magazine. She pointed to the cover, where Julianne's picture was featured. "Famous movie star. Ring a bell?"
Kris glanced at the picture. It was often hard to connect the two people in her mind. Maybe that's what Julianne had meant about having to go back to being Julianne Franqui for a while. But where did that leave Kris? She suddenly wondered if it was a good idea to go to California at all.
Leigh started flipping through the magazine. "How well do you think you know Julianne, Kris?" she wondered absently.
"What do you mean?"
Leigh shrugged, not looking up from the pages. "It just seems to me that she's led you into some kind of fantasy bubble where only the two of you exist. And that's nice and all, but she's still her." She whistled, and turned the magazine over so that Kris could see it. "Do you think they'll photograph me like this?"
Kris ignored the photo. She'd already seen it, and had consequently spent fifteen minutes debating on a cold shower. It had also led her to wonder if other people looked at that picture and felt the same way, which had resulted in a series of mixed emotions she'd proceeded to ignore.
"Earth to Kris," Leigh called.
"I'm here."
"Ya sure?" Leigh questioned, closing the magazine. "So who's Julianne's mystery date to the premiere? The hideous creature from the MTV Movie Awards?"
Hideous creature? Kris made a mental note to ask Julianne about that later. "Uh, I have no idea, actually. She hasn't told me."
"What do you guys talk about, anyway?" Leigh wondered. "Jeremy asked me that the other night and I honestly didn't have an answer."
"Why did Jeremy ask you that?" Kris wondered.
Leigh shrugged. "Who knows? Little Nuyorican girl from the wrong side of the tracks hanging out with multi-million dollar celebrities. It's bound to spark some interest in the minds of the public."
"Since when am I from the wrong side of the tracks?"
"Just thought it sounded more dramatic," Leigh answered. "So, what do you and Miss Franqui talk about?"
Kris thought about it. "Everything. And nothing. We just talk …"
"I see," Leigh said, sounding very much like she didn't see at all.
"You talked to her too when she was just Julia," Kris said defensively.
"Not really. I mean, we talked, but we didn't have hour-long conversations like you two do. And now we just talk about the movie. Nothing mind-boggling."
Kris didn't know what to say to that.
"What time are you leaving tomorrow?"
"Julianne said 7:30."
Leigh nodded. "Well, I'm going to take a shower. Jeremy's picking me up later. You sure you don't want to go? That cute guy is still interested."
Kris sighed. "No thanks."
"You sure there's nothing you want to talk about?" Leigh asked seriously. "I mean, I am still your best friend, right?"
"Always," Kris assured her, offering a smile. "I'm just a little stressed out. I'm fine."
Leigh smiled. "You're still a bad liar, but okay. You know where I live if you do want to talk about anything."
Kris smiled, and then watched the bedroom door close behind her friend. She stared at the suitcase. Leigh was right. It didn't make any sense that Julianne would invite her to her house just to sit around and eat pizza. But if a fancy dinner was what Julianne had in mind, Kris would have to sit that one out.
She stared at the suitcase and sighed. "God, please don't let this be the weekend from hell."
|
|
| Chat! |
[07 Mar 2003|01:59pm] |
I'm holding a chat tonight for anyone interested. In order to participate you have to join my mailing list (cause yahoo won't let you in, otherwise).
You can join by going here:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/MidnightIsle/join
You can unsubscribe to the list right after the chat, if you want :)
I'll be in there after 5pm EST (New York time) ... and will remain there for a while (unless nobody shows up, in which case I may get bored of myself and leave) ;)
If you're interested:
Join the mailing list
Log into yahoogroups
Go to the ' midnightisle' group
Click 'chat'
And voila!
Questions?
IM me on Yahoo Instant Messenger: Chakram310
or email me: amazonkiwi@aol.com
See you there :)
|
|
| 60.3 - 60.4 |
[24 Feb 2003|12:24am] |
Julianne would've been in and out of there in twenty minutes. She would have glanced around, pointed to the first couch she saw that looked plain enough to match whatever she decided to put around it, and walked right back out.
Kris, on the other hand, had a different conception of couch-shopping. Hers involved sampling every couch available and weighing the comfort, look, and price factors carefully.
Julianne was merely amused. Julianne loved the pensive look Kris would get on her face whenever she'd sit down at a different couch, and the dismissive looks she'd give when the object wouldn't live up to her expectations.
Realizing that they might be there a while, the actress decided to sit down.
The second she settled into the recliner, she knew she was in love. "I'm getting this!" she called to Kris, the moment the artist was close enough to hear. She put her feet up and sighed. "This is all I need in life."
Kris walked over and smiled. "There's a black suede couch over there that would match it."
"Does it pass the Kris Milano Couch Test?" Julianne teased.
"Innocent cows were slaughtered for your comfort," Kris replied with a slight grin.
Julianne cocked her head to the side. "Says she who wore leather on her birthday."
Kris opened her mouth to argue, and then shut it. Then opened it again and said, "That was Mark's fault!"
"Ahuh. I didn't hear you complaining."
Kris dropped her shoulders and sighed. "You're right. I'm a hypocrite." She eyed the recliner for a second. "That does look comfy."
"I'm not getting up," Julianne stated.
Kris got closer. "Oh, come on. Don't be a brat."
"I am a brat."
Kris narrowed her eyes. "And here you had me nearly convinced that you were a decent human being."
"Well, I am an actress," Julianne answered with a grin. She sighed melodramatically and closed her eyes. "Mmm… I could live on here forev-" Julianne's eyes snapped open as she felt a sudden weight on her body. She tried not to moan as Kris' back pressed against her breasts.
"Not bad," Kris commented, her head coming to rest beside Julianne's. "A little lumpy, though."
Julianne tried to relax under Kris' weight, but it felt too nice for comfort. "Really? It doesn't feel that lumpy to me. Although, gravity seems a bit heavier in this part of the store."
Kris smiled. "That's very odd. I can't imagine why."
"You know," Julianne began, "if a news camera appears suddenly, I'm going to have to deny we're friends."
"I'll pretend I'm just a crazy fan stalking you," Kris agreed, laughing.
Julianne wanted to wrap her arms against Kris' stomach, to hold her closer, but she didn't dare move. She kept her hands on the armrests. "I promise to bail you out."
"May I help you ladies with anything?" a male voice said from somewhere near.
Kris jumped off of Julianne, although she made a noble effort to look like she wasn't jumping off. Julianne instantly missed the feeling, and regretted the interruption. But it was for the best. There was no point in getting used to such things. Especially in public.I was wrong … it's not the movie that's going to out me.
She turned her attention to the salesman, whose eyes grew wide with recognition. Before he could go into babble-mode about how much he loved her, she intercepted the silence, "I'd like to get two of these, and whatever couch my friend here decided on." She nodded to Kris, who was blushing and looking down at the floor. Why does she look so guilty?
Kris glanced up and over at the salesman, who wasn't looking at her at all. "Um, it's the black suede one," she said.
The man seemed to snap out of his thoughts, and tore his gaze away from Julianne. "Uh, great!" he said, with a tone of over enthusiasm. Julianne was certain she heard his voice crack. He cleared his throat. "They can be delivered within the week," he said, turning back to Julianne. "Is there anything else I can help you with, Miss Franqui?"
"Yes, is there anyway you can deliver me along with the chair?" she wondered. "I don't want to move."
The man relaxed visibly and laughed. "I'm not sure that can be arranged, but you can stay there as long as you want. I'll be by the register when you're ready." He smiled and excused himself.
Julianne turned her attention to Kris, who looked awkward and embarrassed. "Are you okay?"
Hazel eyes rose up to meet with azure ones. "Yeah, it's just … I didn't want him to think that … you … that we …"
"Are a couple?" Julianne finished, her heart sinking.
Kris shook her head. "I just didn't want to get you in trouble …"
Julianne studied Kris' face for a moment, trying to understand the truth behind the words. All that she could come up with was that the artist was scared of getting mistaken for a lesbian. "It's okay," she said, hoping she didn't sound as hurt as she felt. "I'm pretty sure he's not going to run to Entertainment Tonight with the news that a cute Puerto Rican girl was sitting on my lap."
If possible, Kris blushed even more.
Julianne decided it was time to drop the subject. "I guess that means I have to get up now."
Kris walked over and offered her hand. "C'mon, lazy bones."
Julianne let herself get pulled from the comfort of the recliner. Somehow, touching Kris' hand was more appealing than sitting where she was. The realization was unsettling, in spite of the fact that it wasn't surprising. "Want to get dinner afterwards?"
"Are you always thinking about food?" Kris wondered as they headed toward the cash register.
Julianne smiled. "No, sometimes I think about other things."
"Like?"
Kissing you. Touching you. You. You. You. Her cell phone saved her from having to come up with a response. She stopped walking. "Franqui," she greeted.
"Hi, Julianne," came Karen's voice. "Am I interrupting anything?"
Julianne glanced at Kris for a moment then answered, "No, I'm just furniture shopping."
A short silence greeted her. "Furniture shopping? By yourself?"
Julianne rolled her eyes. "I am capable of buying furniture for myself, you know." She paused. "But, um, Kris is with me."
"Ah," Karen said knowingly. Though Julianne wasn't sure what Karen thought she knew. "I'll make this quick then. You're set to fly out of Newark on Friday night. The Guardian premiere is on Saturday. And your date called to confirm."
My date? Julianne thought about it for a full second before grinning. "Really? That's wonderful! Did you get him a hotel room and everything?"
"Everything's settled," Karen assured her. "Though, Julianne, aren't you picking them a bit young. I mean his father called to confirm."
Julianne laughed. "Age is just a state of mind."
"Right. Well, he's arriving Friday morning with his mother and sister. I'm having a limo pick them up at the airport. I'll get you their contact info when you get here. Also, you'll have to break the news to Adrian that he's not going to be your date for the evening, cause he didn't get the memo."
"Oh, damn," Julianne said. "I'll call him later."
"Last thing," Karen promised, "your mother knows you're coming this weekend, so you better call her. She's left about five messages on your answering machine at home. She said she lost your phone number in New York."
Julianne rolled her eyes. "Okay."
"That's it," Karen replied. "I'll let you get back to your ogling, er, shopping."
"Hardy har har," Julianne answered, shaking her head. "Weren't you the one who once found me intimidating? Can we go back to that?"
Karen laughed. "Bye, Miss Franqui."
Julianne hung up the phone and stared at it for a second before putting it away. She looked around for Kris and found the artist sitting on a nearby couch. "Sorry about that," she apologized.
"It's okay," Kris said, rising. "I get that you're popular." She smiled.
Julianne smiled back, but looked away before she could get lost in hazel eyes. An idea was brewing in her mind, but she wasn't sure if it was a good one. She dismissed it for now. Maybe later, she'd go back to it, when they were alone.
"It just doesn't make any sense," Kris commented, stabbing a leaf of lettuce from her salad. "You'd think after all of this time, they'd get a clue. It's so obvious they love each other."
Julianne shrugged, busy with her own plate. She glanced around the restaurant for a moment and turned back to Kris. "I guess it's just not obvious to them."
Kris shook her head. "Yeah, but I mean, they have a kid together now. They lived together … Hello?"
"I'm sure they'll end up together," Julianne assured her. "Some things take time."
"Love shouldn't be so complicated," Kris argued.
Julianne chuckled. "It's a sitcom."
"All I'm saying is that Ross and Rachel need to get their act together. It's uncanny that anyone could be so blind."
Julianne sat back and smiled. She glanced around and sat up, looking slightly more serious than she had before. "Can I talk to you about something?"
Kris' heart skipped a beat at the actress' tone. "Sure," she said, though she was suddenly nervous. Ever since they'd left the furniture store, Kris had worried that Julianne would bring up the incident on the recliner. Incident. Calling it that made it seem like an unfortunate accident. And there had been nothing unfortunate or accidental about it.I'm turning into a perv.
"What are you doing this upcoming weekend?" Julianne asked.
The question caught Kris off-guard. She'd been so convinced that it would be a recliner-related question. "Uh, nothing, why?"
"Do you want to go to California with me?" Julianne asked. Then quickly added, "I have to go to the premiere of my last movie on Saturday. And I thought it'd be nice to show you my house. You know, I thought it would be good for you to see how I live when I actually have furniture."
California? She wants me to go to California for the weekend? With her? To her house? Furniture… Kris' mind was reeling. She wasn't sure her brain was even forming coherent thoughts. Still, she forced herself to speak. "I don't think I can afford the plane fare."
"I hired a private jet," Julianne answered, a bit shyly. "You don't have to pay for anything."
"Right," Kris said, feeling completely overwhelmed. A weekend in California. With Julianne. How could that possibly be bad? "Sounds like fun," she found herself saying. Didn't she have homework? There were papers to write and books to read. She had midterms coming up. Julianne Franqui was going to get her kicked out of college. And still she couldn't keep from feeling giddy at the prospect of going to Julianne's house.
"Great," Julianne replied, grinning brightly.
Kris found herself staring at Julianne's smile. God, she's so beautiful. Gorgeous. Unreal. And I'm so, so screwed if I keep thinking like this. "So what are we doing after dinner?" she asked, fearing that it might be nearing the time they'd have to part ways.
Julianne shrugged. "If you're up to it, I think I recall someone promising me a dance."
Kris smiled. "You're on." So, so screwed.</i
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| 60.1 - 60.2 |
[09 Feb 2003|10:49pm] |
In the midst of insomnia, thoughts came to her in fragments: shards of broken glass scattered across the floor … soft lips moving against her own … the knock at the door.
Julianne opened her eyes and stared at the bedroom window. Sunlight spilled through the blinds, casting vague shadows on the floor. She stared at them for a while, focusing on the undecipherable patterns that invaded her carpet. She listened to the silence, trying to make out other signs of life.
But all was quiet in her penthouse apartment. The rest of the world was nonexistent from her throne. It was in those moments when nothing felt real. How had she gotten there? How was any of this hers?
At twenty-three she had accomplished more things than most people did in a lifetime. At least, that's what she'd always told herself. Now she wasn't so sure. What was an accomplishment, anyway?
She thought of James, the homeless man she had encountered on the street all of those months ago. Surviving for him was more of an accomplishment than anything Julianne had ever done.
"I'm going to be rich and famous one day," Julianne had told her grandmother one day. It was the first of many times.
Her grandmother had been silent for a long time, then had said, "And why is that so important to you, Julia? What are you going to do with all that fame and all of that money?"
What indeed.
The phone rang, bringing her introspection to an end. "Hello?" she answered.
"Did I wake you?"
Julianne smiled at the sound of her voice. "I couldn't sleep," she admitted.
"Me neither," Kris said after a moment. "What's wrong?"
"Excessive thinking. You?"
"Same."
"Anthony?" Julianne guessed.
"Partly, but other things, too," Kris told her. "I'm just tired of thinking. I thought I'd call and bother you."
"You're so thoughtful," Julianne joked. "I was thinking of getting furniture today."
"That's what kept you up all night?"
Julianne laughed. "Yes, this is a huge step for me." She paused. "Do you want to come with me? I hate shopping alone."
"I don't know, what's in it for me?"
Julianne grinned. "I'll think of something."
"Oooh, a surprise. I'm in. When are we going?"
"I'll drop by your apartment at one. Sound good?"
"It's a date, Miss Franqui. See you then."
Smiling, Julianne said, "Bye." She hung up the phone and set her alarm for 11:30. That would give her enough time to get ready.
Yawning, Julianne drew the covers over her head and closed her eyes.
Kris had somehow forgotten a very important piece of information: Julianne was Julianne Franqui. Thankfully, the people of New York did a wonderful job of reminding her. Everywhere they went someone would stop them to ask for Julianne's autograph. Some asked the actress for a picture. Others assumed that Kris was someone important too, and asked for her autograph as well. And who was she to deny them?
"Look at that, famous by association," Kris joked once a swarm of people had left them alone.
"Can I have your autograph, too?" Julianne teased.
"Sure, got a pen? I'll sign your forehead." Kris smiled at the actress as they walked. "Does that get annoying after a while?"
"Getting my forehead signed?"
"Do you get your forehead signed often?"
Julianne pretended to contemplate the question. "No, as it turns out, you're the first to even offer."
"What a pity," Kris replied in mock seriousness. She smiled and shook her head. "I meant all the autograph-signing and picture-taking."
"I wouldn't say 'annoying'," Julianne answered carefully. "I'm kind of used to it. I wish I wasn't, though."
Kris nodded, trying to place herself in Julianne's shoes. She found it impossible. How could strangers vying for your attention ever become routine? It felt so strange, experiencing this aspect of Julianne's life. Kris had lost count of how many people had told the actress that they loved her. After hearing it so often, Kris wondered if the word "love" had lost all meaning to Julianne.
"You could have anyone you wanted," Kris found herself saying. She glanced up at Julianne.
"That was random," Julianne replied with a smile.
Kris searched her memory for the last thing Julianne had said. It had been something about autographs. "Sorry," she apologized. "I was just thinking that all of those people want you."
"I'm pretty sure they just asked for my signature," Julianne replied. "Did I miss some offers somewhere?" She turned around jokingly. "Let's go back."
Kris laughed and grabbed Julianne's arm, turning her back around. "Seriously! I bet I could ask anyone if they would sleep with you, and they would all say yes."
Julianne considered that. "I bet it's safe to say that most gay men and straight women might not be too keen on the whole sex thing."
"Fine, give me your cell phone," Kris demanded.
Arching a brow, Julianne handed it over. "I hope this is a quick call you're making. I'm on a tight budget."
"Oh shut up," Kris answered, smacking Julianne on the arm with the phone. "I don't even want to know how much money you have." She started dialing the number to her brother's apartment. After a few rings, Mark picked up. "Hey, Mark? It's Kris."
"Hey, sweetie. How's it going?"
"Good. I am just calling to ask you a question."
"Me?"
"Yes, you. You're the gayest guy I know."
"Aw, thank you."
Kris smiled. "Alright. So, say you had to sleep with a woman. Would you sleep with Julianne Franqui?"
"Honey, that girl can get into my pants any time."
With a satisfied smirk, Kris said, "Thanks! I'll talk to you later. Send my love to William." Kris hung up and grinned at Julianne. "See?"
"See, what? I didn't hear what he said," Julianne answered.
"He said you could get into his pants any time."
"And how do I know you're not lying?" Julianne challenged.
"Call him yourself," Kris said, waving the phone in front of the actress' face. She hadn't actually expected Julianne to grab it, though.
Julianne hit redial and put the phone to her ear.
Kris watched in surprise and amusement.
"Hi, Mark?" Julianne said. "This is Julianne Franqui. I heard you wanted me to get into your pants."
Kris burst out laughing.
"No, this isn't Kris," Julianne said, casting a glance at her laughing companion. "This really is Julianne Franqui … I don't know … Uh, Prada … Well, you can't expect me to remember what kind of shoes I wore two years ago … Okay, fine! Just for that I'm not sleeping with you." She clicked off the phone, and shrugged at Kris. "He didn't believe it was me."
Kris grinned. "I still made my point."
"We still need to find a straight girl," Julianne countered. "Oh, and look at that, I'm staring at one right now. Would you sleep with me?"
Caught off-guard, Kris blushed. She didn't know how to answer the question, though she knew what she wanted to say. "I thought we agreed that I was asexual," she said.
"Cop out," Julianne said, shaking her head in mock disappointment.
"Would you sleep with me?" Kris wondered.
"Oh, look! It's a furniture store," Julianne answered. "Goodie!"
"Cop out," Kris teased, but followed Julianne inside the store. She suddenly wanted nothing more than to know the answer to that question.
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| 59.3 |
[26 Jan 2003|02:31pm] |
Author's Note: Regarding timing, I apologize for not making it clear that the events weren't necessarily occurring at the same time. This is pretty much the beta version of the entire story, so when I go back and edit it, I'll make the appropriate corrections.
_________________________________________________________________________
Kris hated, with a passion, the anticipation of staring at a closed door two seconds after knocking. She hated the knowledge that for all of that time spent rehearsing, over and over, what she would say, that she would forget everything the moment she was faced with the opportunity. She was nervous, standing there, thinking of nothing and everything, staring, rather hopefully and absurdly at the wooden patterns of the door.
She thought of the drive back from the cabin. Anthony: driving in silent resignation. Kris: writing and rewriting an imaginary monologue. She would apologize to Julianne, she had decided, early on. She would explain a version of the truth that neither concealed nor revealed the actual reasons for her distance.
She thought of Anthony with a slight pang of regret. Regret for not having discovered that she didn't - and couldn't - love him the way he wanted. Regret for having parted the way they had: stuck in a series of awkward gestures and incomplete sentences. It was goodbye with uncertain punctuation. Goodbye? Goodbye … Goodbye.
And now, Kris was standing there, waiting, waiting for a chance to explain, however vaguely, that she was confused and scared; torn between knowing and not wanting to know. She was not there to confess, but merely to apologize for being a coward.
The door opened, finally, and Kris tensed with anticipation. "Hi," she said, when she saw Julianne standing there in the open doorway. She wanted to say so much more than that, but as expected, she had forgotten the words she'd settled on. They had abandoned her, the way her breath had abandoned her when Julianne had looked at her.
"Kris," Julianne said with surprise. "I thought you were-"
"I was," Kris interrupted quickly. "Can we talk?" It was at that moment that Kris realized that Julianne wasn't alone. Naomi. The date. How selfish of her to have forgotten, how incredibly self-centered. "Sorry. It's a bad time," she said, feeling embarrassed and out of place. She hadn't rehearsed this part. She didn't know what to do.
"Kris, are you okay?" Julianne asked gently, looking at Kris' face carefully. Could Julianne tell that she'd been crying? Was it obvious?
Naomi appeared beside Julianne before Kris had a chance to reply. "I should get going," she announced. "I have an early meeting tomorrow with the producers." She looked at Julianne and smiled. "I'll call you?"
Julianne nodded. "Okay," she added, as if the act of nodding wasn't enough.
"Bye, Kris," Naomi said politely, and retreated down the hall.
Kris felt like an intruder. She couldn't remember ever feeling so embarrassed, so out of place. "I'm so sorry about that," she said, the moment the director disappeared into the elevator. "I completely forgot about your date."
Julianne shrugged. "Nothing to be sorry about," she said. "Come in."
Kris tried not to imagine what she might have interrupted. She entered the apartment and looked around, as if expecting things to be different. She noticed the broken glass on the kitchen floor and stared at it in surprise. "What happened there?" she asked.
Julianne came up beside her and sighed. "I'm just a klutz, that's all," she answered. She turned to Kris and stared at her with concern. "What's wrong?"
Everything, Kris wanted to say. Everything was wrong. "I couldn't do it," she said, instead. It hadn't been what she'd come here to say. She didn't want to talk about Anthony and their failed romance. She had merely wanted to say, I'm sorry for not calling you. I'm sorry for not keeping our date. I don't really understand why I stayed away. Please don't ask me to explain. But everything started to topple out of her mouth before she could stop it. "We were on the bed, in this beautiful cabin in the woods, and … I just froze."
"It was your first time, it's understandable," Julianne told her.
Kris shook her head. "No, it wasn't timing. It wasn't even fear or nervousness. I just didn't want him. At all. I should've at least felt something, right?" She glanced up into blue eyes, which Kris was certain had flickered with something. What? What are you thinking, Julianne? "Do you think there's something wrong with me?"
"No," Julianne answered. "You just didn't want him."
Kris nodded. "Right," she agreed. It was normal. It was fine. "But I didn't want Nathan, either," she admitted. "Maybe I'm asexual."
"Yes, that's probably what it is," Julianne agreed with a smile. "Join the nunnery."
Kris smiled, too. She remembered what she'd come to say and said it. "I'm really sorry about the past week. I was a jerk." She stared at the floor, unable to meet Julianne's gaze; knowing that no matter what she said, it would be a lie. "I wasn't thinking clearly."
"You had a lot on your mind," Julianne said. "With Anthony and everything. It's okay."
Julianne's words filled Kris with guilt. She wanted, more than anything, to admit the truth. But it would make things awkward and uncomfortable, and she still wasn't sure if what she felt was real. "I hurt you."
"I'll live," Julianne assured her. "I understand."
Kris wanted to cry, standing there, feeling torn and confused, hating her uncertainty, and still holding on to it for dear life. She swallowed back the tears, not wishing to explain her emotions. "I'm a mess," she admitted, in spite of herself.
Julianne stepped closer and wrapped her arms around Kris, hugging her tightly.
Kris closed her eyes, relaxing into Julianne's body. She could smell the vanilla sweetness of Julianne's perfume. Or maybe it was the natural scent of her skin. Everything about Julianne was soft and warm. Kris wanted the hug to last forever.
But it was Julianne who broke the contact first. "If you think you're a mess, you should've seen me earlier," she said with a slight smile. She nodded toward the glass on the floor.
"I'm sure you were charmingly dorky." Kris grinned.
Julianne laughed. "I'm not sure I could pull that off."
"Dorky?"
"No, charming," Julianne answered, sounding shy.
"Just dorky then," Kris teased. She motioned toward the kitchen. "Come on, let's get that mess cleaned up."
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| 59.2 |
[24 Jan 2003|02:09am] |
"I see you've done a lot with the place," Naomi teased upon entering the apartment.
Julianne laughed. "I plan on getting furniture this week," she responded, though she hadn't really thought about it. It was such a low priority in her list of things to do; she sometimes forgot it was even an issue until someone pointed it out. And it was always the same two people anyway. "Can I get you something to drink?" she offered, stepping toward the kitchen.
"Sure. Whatever you're having is fine."
Julianne was about to respond when her cell phone rang. "Sorry," she apologized to her guest. "Franqui," she said into the phone.
"I'd like two large pizzas with pepperoni, anchovies and pineapple."
The actress rolled her eyes at the familiar voice. "Would you excuse me for a moment?" she asked Naomi. When the director nodded, Julianne retreated into the privacy of her room.
"Am I calling at the wrong time?" Adrian asked.
Julianne closed the bedroom door and leaned her back against it. "You're always calling at the wrong time," she answered. "But I missed you. How's the tomato movie?"
"Apple," Adrian corrected. "And it's finally done. You'll be very proud. Or disturbed, one of the two."
Julianne guessed it would be the latter.
"So, I heard a female voice in the background," Adrian continued. "What have I missed?"
"Too much to recount over the phone," Julianne admitted. "But, I'm freaking out."
"That's new." Pause. "In case you couldn't tell, that was sarcasm."
Julianne stepped away from the door and lowered her voice. "Adrian, I invited her up. And I don't know how to read her. I mean, is she thinking about sex? Or am I just assuming that she's thinking it? And does she want to, or not want to? This is a lot more complicated than I thought it would be."
"First of all, who is 'her'?" Adrian asked.
"Naomi."
"The hot director?" Adrian whistled. "Did you know she posed for Playboy?"
"She did not."
"Did, too," Adrian argued. "When she was eighteen."
"Oh, my God, she did not pose for Playboy," Julianne responded, feeling frustrated and ridiculous that she was even having that discussion.
"I'll look for the issue," Adrian said. Julianne could hear him rummaging in the background. "It's around here somewhere."
Julianne banged the cell phone against her forehead. "You drive me insane."
"Found it!" Adrian cried. "Oh wait. This isn't her. Nevermind. Hey, Jules, you should sleep with this one right here. She wants to be an elementary school teacher, and her breasts are real."
"Can you be serious for a minute?" Julianne pleaded. "I'm really confused right now."
Adrian sighed. "Okay, blah blah hot lesbian in your living room ready for action. Blah blah confusion. 'Oh no it's my first time.' Blah blah blah. So, what do you think you should do?"
"I don't know," Julianne replied honestly. "She's beautiful and smart and funny and I'm really attracted to her. But…"
"She's not Kris," Adrian guessed.
"Right," Julianne answered. "And I don't want to move too fast. It's just that …"
"You want to forget about Kris and hope that banging Naomi will do the trick."
"Yeah. Well, minus the word 'banging'."
"Look, Julianne, just do what feels right."
Julianne sighed. "I'll talk to you later."
"Have fun."
Julianne hung up the phone and stared at the carpet for a long moment. She knew she had to go back out there and face Naomi, but she was scared. What would feel right? And if she went with the flow, if she just let things happen, would she regret them in the morning? She wouldn't be able to take anything back.
She stood and stepped out of the room. She found the director looking out the glass windows.
"It's such a beautiful view from here," Naomi said as Julianne approached. She turned. "Is everything okay?"
Julianne looked into green eyes and smiled. "Yes. It was just Adrian. He finished his film."
"I'm sure it will be brilliant as usual," Naomi replied with a wink. "Can't wait to see it."
Julianne could wait. She could wait a long time. But in the end, she knew she'd love the movie. Adrian had a fascinating way of making insanity interesting. Suddenly remembering that she'd offered her guest a drink prior to the interruption, she said, "Wine okay?"
"Perfect."
Julianne took a deep breath as she headed toward the kitchen. She needed to relax. Everything felt awkward, every movement felt forced. She felt outside of herself, as if she were playing a role she couldn't find the motivation for. She knew she was shaking, and wondered if Naomi felt half as nervous as she.
She opened one of the cabinets and reached up for a glass, knowing in the same way that people foresee catastrophes that she was going to drop it. She tipped it the wrong way instead of grabbing it properly, and it slid, smoothly, effortlessly from her grasp. A mere second elapsed from the moment the glass dropped from her fingers to the moment it shattered across her kitchen floor. Yet, in that brief expanse of time, she understood the limitations of possibility; she was as capable of keeping that glass from breaking, as she was of keeping her heart from love.
Naomi was at her side at an instance. "Are you okay?"
Julianne turned from the mess on the floor and stared into concerned eyes. "I'm fine," she answered. "Just a huge klutz."
Amusement replaced concern. "I'll try to keep that bit of news from the presses, then," the director replied. "For a price."
"I hope it's cheap. I'm trying to save up for furniture." Julianne smiled, aware of the fact that Naomi was right in front of her. She swallowed. "I'm really confused," she admitted in a whisper.
"About?"
"Everything."
"Then we'll take it really slow."
Slow. Julianne felt her heart speed up as their lips drew nearer. She closed her eyes, letting the moment carry her across the deep ravine of doubt. She felt Naomi's lips touch hers, in an instant that felt both surprising and surreal. Julianne wasn't sure if it was happening or not. But she knew she liked the softness pressing against her mouth; liked the way Naomi's body fit against hers.
It felt like hope. It tasted like possibility. And in an irrational moment she thought that maybe, if only she'd tried, if only she'd reacted quickly enough, she could've kept the glass from breaking.
Her thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the knock at the door.
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| 59.1 |
[22 Jan 2003|12:42am] |
Kris tried to focus on the feel of his hands on her body. She tried to cling to the words emanating from his lips as he whispered, "You are so beautiful," into the space between his experience and her own. His breath felt cool against her body, as he kissed her stomach. His mouth left cold, wet trails along her breasts, lingering with hope, evaporating with reality. Kris tried to focus on his enthusiasm, and his passion, wishing that it was enough to carry them both through.
Why couldn't life be more like the movies? Everything was so passionate and beautiful when edited down into flashes of perfection. She wished she were experiencing the air-brushed version of that moment.
Is this what she had waited twenty-one years for, this feeling of numb indifference; the anticipation of the end before it had even begun. Is this what she was praying for? Clinging to?
She felt a breeze enter through the window, and wished she hadn't noticed it. Was this fair, using him only to quench her insistent need to hide? Was it right?
In his eyes she had seen a mixture of so many emotions she couldn't quite decipher them all. She knew there was lust and anticipation. But was there love? It didn't matter, she realized, it didn't matter what he felt if she couldn't reciprocate his feelings. How could she wake up the morning after and look him in the eyes?
She felt his hands undo her belt buckle. "Anthony, wait," she found her mouth saying, though her mind hadn't given it permission to speak.
Anthony paused in his actions. "Am I going too fast?"
She paused before responding. What excuse could she give him for leading him this far? How could she possibly justify her feelings of estrangement? "I can't do this," she whispered, unable to meet his gaze. "I'm sorry. I thought this is what I wanted but-"
"Oh," he said, as if he were still expecting her to answer his question about going too fast. "Oh," he said again, looking all of a sudden awkward. He glanced down at where he was, straddling her body. "Sorry," he said, and got off, sitting down awkwardly beside her.
Kris tried to search for words, but couldn't find any. She felt exposed, sitting there topless on a strange bed, staring at a boy whom she'd almost granted full access to her body, only moments before. What was there to say?
"Are you okay?" Anthony questioned, his disappointment flashing quickly to concern. "I didn't hurt you, did I? I hadn't even-"
"No," she assured him, quickly, surprised by his tone. She'd half expected him to lash out at her. He isn't Nathan, she reminded herself, and felt sad that she had to remind herself of that at all. "I think I'm just losing my mind," she added, feeling foolish for saying it, but believing it nonetheless.
Anthony frowned as he looked at her. "Why do you think you're losing your mind?"
She glanced at him, embarrassed. "I'm just going through a phase, I think," she answered, saying it mostly to satisfy his curiosity, though a part of her still believed it was true. "I'm really sorry, Anthony. I just need to sort some things out."
Confusion grazed his features as he stared at her. "Are you breaking up with me?"
She hadn't meant it that way. The thought hadn't really crossed her mind. But maybe it was the only way she was ever going to figure herself out. She couldn't keep leading him on. Not like this. Even if she didn't know what she wanted, what she didn't want was quite clear.
Her eyes filled with tears as she nodded. She could feel the foundations of her life crumbling before her very eyes. What was she doing? So many parts of her wanted to take it back, and yet the small spark of relief she felt at the confirmation kept her from doing so.
Anthony swallowed, looking torn between wanting to comfort her and wanting to cry himself. "Okay," he said. He glanced around, as if wishing to recall the moments when looking at that bedroom hadn't caused him pain. "Do you want to go home?"
Home. She suddenly wondered where that was, exactly. She didn't know, and didn't want to contemplate it. Kris just knew there was only one place she wanted to be.
And only one person she wanted to see.
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| 58.4 - 58.5 |
[18 Jan 2003|04:09pm] |
Kris stared at the television, attempting to focus on the images flickering across the screen. But, she was too nervous to concentrate. She kept wondering what Anthony was thinking. She kept wondering what the night would bring. Would something happen? Would she let things happen? She still didn't know.
Beside her on the couch, Anthony shifted. "Do you want a soda or anything?" he offered.
"No, thanks," Kris answered, keeping her gaze on the television screen. If she appeared engrossed in the film, maybe he wouldn't try anything. He's your boyfriend, not a stranger. But he felt like a stranger. And wasn't she supposed to be there to get to know him better? Wasn't this supposed to be fun? "Anthony," she said, turning to him. "Can we talk?"
"Sure," Anthony answered, shutting off the TV. He turned so he was facing her. "What's up?"
Kris turned, too, taking a moment to decide what to say. "Do you feel awkward?" she asked, and quickly added, "Because I do."
"I'm kind of nervous," he admitted, running a hand through his hair. "I'm not really sure how to read you."
"Read me?" Kris asked, confused. Was she a book?
Anthony stared at her uneasily. "I don't want to cross the line or anything," he told her softly. "I don't want to be a jerk."
"Oh," Kris responded, feeling torn. "I'm having trouble figuring out where the line is," she admitted. "Can we just … play it by ear?"
"Yes, definitely," he said, and visibly relaxed. He took her hand and resumed the movie.
Kris glanced down briefly at their entwined hands and took a deep breath, letting her gaze rest on the television screen. Her heart was hammering, her thoughts were racing, and she was sure that she'd left reason and logic back in the City. "Anthony," she whispered, a part of her hoping he wouldn't hear her.
"Yeah?"
"Let's go to bed," she said, looking at him.
"I'm sorry I've been such a bad date," Julianne apologized, feeling embarrassed for her behavior all night. "I'm surprised you're still here." She didn't look at Naomi as she spoke, choosing to keep her gaze fastened to the sidewalk ahead.
The fact of the matter was that she wished she could start the evening over again, beginning with not being late. As a result of her tardy appearance, they'd missed their movie. Naomi hadn't been mad, though. Julianne wondered if she ever got mad. The director was such a free spirit; so calm and carefree. It didn't seem possible that a person could be so tranquil.
Naomi smiled at her. "I understand that you've got things on your mind," she answered with a slight shrug. "Just wish I could help."
"You've helped," Julianne assured her, glancing into green eyes. She wasn't sure how she would've gotten through the evening alone. "I really appreciate your company. I'm just terrible at showing it."
The director laughed easily. "It's okay, Julianne. I'm happy just to be near you." She rolled her eyes at the comment. "Sorry, I promised myself I wouldn't say things like that."
Julianne smiled, feeling flattered. "Why?" she wondered.
Naomi glanced at her, embarrassed. "Because I know that I like you a lot more than I should, and I don't want to freak you out."
"I'm not freaked," Julianne said. "Flattered, but not freaked." She glanced up to see her building not too far ahead. She could feel her heart pounding.
"Good, I don't want to make you uncomfortable," the director said, her voice shy but honest.
Why am I pining over someone I can't have? Naomi is perfect. Her thoughts battled back and forth, trying to find a solution to the problem. She wasn't sure there was a good solution besides getting over Kris, and how long would that take? How far was she willing to go to expedite the process?
"Well, we're here," Naomi announced, glancing up at the building.
Julianne stared at the door and then back at Naomi.I could just say good night. Right here. Just say good night. But she didn't want to say good night. She wanted to feel whole again. She wanted to stop aching. She wanted more than emptiness and silence. "Do you want to come up?"
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| 58.2 & 58.3 |
[18 Jan 2003|01:30am] |
Kris stared out the window of the car Anthony had borrowed from his parents, her gaze fixed on the darkness outside, while her mind traveled at a thousand miles per hour through the highway of her thoughts. She had the uneasy feeling that there would a head-on collision occurring sometime in the near future.
After her visit to William's apartment, Kris had decided to bury herself in schoolwork. Classes became her sanctuary for the remainder of the week. She'd avoided the set. She'd avoided Julianne's apartment. Worst of all, she'd avoided Julianne.
Kris knew they'd had an agreement to go out dancing the night before, but she'd chickened out of the dare. The fact that she had wanted to go scared her. Kris had figured that if she avoided Julianne until the weekend, she'd be safe. The weekend would show her that Anthony was right for her. I hope…
Kris turned her attention away from the window. "So, what are we doing tonight?" she asked, hoping to strike up a conversation. Talking would keep the silence at bay. Silence was dangerous. Silence led to thinking. And thinking led to guilt. How could I ignore Julianne like that? The thought nagged for her attention; filled her with uneasiness.
"We could build a fire," Anthony suggested. "And watch a movie. I brought some."
Kris nodded. "That sounds nice," she told him, searching her mind for another conversation starter. Why couldn't she ever think of anything to say around him? Conversation came so easily when she was with Julianne. UGH! "So, um, do you come up here often?"
Anthony shook his head, his gaze on the road ahead. "No, my parents usually like their alone time to be … well, alone." He smiled, glancing at her quickly. "I think it's sweet that after all of those years of marriage they still manage to find romance."
Kris nodded. "Yeah, that doesn't happen often," she said, recalling her parents' divorce. "I think true love is hard to come by," she added, not sure why she was saying that, especially to Anthony.
"I don't know, sometimes you get lucky," Anthony replied. "We're almost there."
Kris glanced out of the window, noting the change in scenery. She wished she could feel happier about being out in the woods, surrounded by undisturbed beauty.
The car came to a stop in front of a small log cabin and Kris stared at it for a moment. Several horror movies came to mind.
"I'm sure it's a lot less creepy in the day time," Anthony teased, as if reading her thoughts. "Come on, let's get our stuff inside. We've got a fun-filled night ahead of us."
Yes, fun-filled, Kris thought, and stepped out of the car.
*********
Julianne was trying desperately to pay attention to everything that Naomi said, but her mind kept drifting. Why hadn't Kris called? Had she scared Kris off? Were her feelings too obvious?
"Julianne," Naomi said, breaking into her thoughts.
"Hmm?" the actress glanced up, realizing for the first time that she'd been tapping her fork against the table. She ceased the movement at once and regarded the director with an apologetic smile. "Sorry."
"Are you okay?" Naomi asked, her voice full of concern.
Julianne glanced around the restaurant for a brief second before turning her attention on attentive green eyes. She cares about me … why can't I care about her? Why must things be so complicated? "I'm just having trouble concentrating, I'm sorry. It's been a long week."
The director nodded her head, taking a drink from her glass of wine. "Want to talk about it?"
"No, I just … I just want to stop thinking," Julianne answered, wishing it were that simple.
Naomi motioned for the check, and sat back in the chair, staring thoughtfully at Julianne. "Do you want to go home?" she asked gently.
Home. What was that? "I'm not sure I want to be alone," Julianne answered, not really caring how it sounded. She's going to get the wrong idea, a little voice warned.
"You don't have to be," Naomi replied.
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| 58.1 |
[17 Jan 2003|01:13am] |
Julianne stared at her reflection in the mirror, finally settling on an outfit. Ironically, it turned out to be the first one she'd tried on. But in the end, she realized she didn't really care if Naomi liked her clothes. What difference did it make if she wore one thing or the other? It's not like Naomi was going to date her outfit.
The actress turned away from her reflection and glanced quickly at the time. She was running late. The fact that she kept stalling in the hopes that Kris would call hadn't escaped her.
She's not going to call, Julianne reminded herself, not for the first time. She's on her way to spend a wonderfully romantic weekend with Sata--er, Anthony. She took a deep breath. "And I have a date," she announced to the empty bedroom. "Which I'm already three minutes late for." Crap.
The actress hurried out of the building, waiting, somewhat impatiently, for the door attendant to get her a cab. She knew she wasn't in a good mood. In fact, she'd almost called to cancel the date about four times, but she didn't want to be alone. Not that night, when her thoughts would undoubtedly turn to Kris and what she might be doing with Anthony.
Julianne shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts. "Thank you," she said, as a cab finally pulled up.
"Have a good night, Miss Franqui," the doorman told her.
From the taxi cab window, New York seemed distant and unreal. Maybe all images viewed through square-shaped portals were doomed to seem dreamlike in nature. Is that how she seemed to other people: distant and unreal, reduced to a two-dimensional figure? It felt lonely in that place. She wanted desperately to be real. Kris deserved someone real.
Julianne sighed, her gaze drifting along the scenery. She wondered what Kris was thinking at that moment. Was she happy in Anthony's company? Did he make her smile? Could he give her everything she needed? And if so, could Julianne ever accept that?
She wanted to believe that she would, that she could move beyond the pain and jealousy. But in the back of her mind, she would always believe that she could do better; that she could make Kris happier.
But, could she? Julianne suddenly wondered. Would Kris be happy in the public eye? Would she be happy giving up her privacy?
People would want to hurt them; break them up. People would say things, and assume things. They would lie to sell more papers. They would make a mockery of everything Julianne considered to be beautiful and true, simply because she didn't exist in their realm. Two-dimensional figures weren't expected to have feelings; they weren't allowed to love.
Julianne lowered her gaze at the realization: Kris was safer in Anthony's arms.
"Sixty-eighth and Broadway," the cab driver announced, rolling the vehicle to a stop.
Snapping out of her reverie, Julianne quickly handed him the money and stepped out into the cool night air; ready for her date.
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| 57.3 |
[15 Jan 2003|12:58am] |
"Kris?" William sounded alarmed as he opened the door to his apartment and found his step-sister standing there. "Did something happen?"
Kris passed by him, entering the apartment, feeling flustered and confused. Her voice took on a nervous edge as she spoke. "I'm freaking out," she announced, just as Mark walked out of the bedroom. He sent a questioning glance to William who shrugged.
She was oblivious to the exchange as she continued. "On the way here I stopped at the confessional at Church and then I thought 'what am I doing here?' I mean you don't just confess these things to a priest, do you? You have to admit them to yourself first. But when you do, that's it, it's real. It's out there. You can't rein it back in once you've released it into the world." She started to pace.
William and Mark watched silently for a moment. Finally, William spoke up. "Um, Kris," he began, gently, though his voice was thick with sleep. "What are you talking about?"
Kris paused long enough to glance at her audience. She sighed and sat down on the couch. "I've been having these thoughts about someone." She paused, feeling foolish and embarrassed. The fact that she was sitting there felt surreal; a scene she was imagining; a 'what if' scenario that would play out and then fade into the background of her thoughts, leaving her safe from consequence.
But, she knew it wasn't a passing thought she was caught in. She was at the edge of a cliff and she was about to dive. "A girl someone," she whispered, looking down.
Mark and William exchanged another glance. "I'm going to make coffee," Mark announced, moving off to do just that. "Lots of coffee," he muttered under his breath.
William stepped closer, grabbing a chair from the table. He sat down with a sigh. "So, what kind of thoughts?" he asked.
Kris glanced up. "Please don't make me go into details. This is embarrassing enough as it is." She ran a hand through her disheveled hair, noticing for the first time that she was still in her pajamas. "I had this dream where we kissed."
"I had a dream I kissed this girl Cathy Evans from work," Mark supplied. "A dream doesn't mean anything." He paused, making a face. "I hope. God, what if I'm straight?"
William watched Kris with concern. "It was just a dream?" he questioned.
"Yes," she said. Then shook her head. "No. There were other things." She chewed on her bottom lip. "She confuses me. Whenever I see her … I just want…"
"To fuck her brains out," Mark offered.
Kris' head shot up at the words and she blushed furiously.
"Mark," William warned.
"Don't 'Mark' me," his boyfriend argued, grabbing another chair. He pulled it closer to Kris. He pushed stray locks of blonde hair out of his face and leaned forward. "Now, your brother sucks at this stuff. So, I'm going to take over. Tell me about this girl. Is she cute?"
Kris smiled slightly at the thought of anyone calling Julianne Franqui "cute". She paused to consider her words. "She's gorgeous," was all she could come up with. Images of photo shoots and pictures she'd recently encountered while surfing the web filtered through her mind. She instantly lowered her gaze, afraid that they'd see her thoughts reflected.
"What's her name?"
Kris considered how much to say. "Julianne," she answered. She sighed. "But she's got a date on Friday. And I should be happy for her, because she's my friend, but I don't want her to date Naomi."
"Oh, so she's gay?" Mark asked.
"Yeah," Kris confirmed. "But there's no way she'd ever be interested in me. I mean she's …" She bit her tongue to keep from saying anymore. Explaining her crush on Julianne Franqui of all people wouldn't be easy. "And I'm still not really sure of what I'm feeling. I'm not even sure why I'm here. I just couldn't sleep. And I couldn't tell Leigh. She'd flip out."
"You're always welcome here," William told her.
Mark nodded. "It'll be okay," he said. "You'll figure things out. Just go with the flow of things."
Flow of things. Right. From the dark recesses of her mind, something started to emerge. "Anthony," she said, shocked that she'd somehow forgotten all about him. "I'm going away with him for the weekend."
"Well," Mark said thoughtfully, "that's good. Maybe he'll help you figure some stuff out. I mean if you really care about him, then maybe what you're feeling for Julianne is just a fleeting crush."
Yes, fleeting. Kris liked the thought of that. "Perhaps," she allowed, finding comfort in the knowledge that her feelings could be temporary.
Could be.
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| 57.2 |
[14 Jan 2003|12:46am] |
Kris lay awake many hours later, staring lazily at her own ceiling. Her gaze traced patterns along the glow-in-the-dark stars, in the hopes of encountering an accidental constellation.
Meanwhile, a series of random thoughts ran laps around her brain. The process was making her dizzy. She wished there was a way to make it stop. But her eyes continued to seek order in the randomness of chance.
Kris' unanswered question haunted her. Have you ever dreamed… Yes, she had admitted. No, she would not tell more. How could she? How could Kris tell Julianne that she had been the star; that all day long she kept going back to the details of the dream, half ashamed, half excited.
Her eyes closed of their own volition, and she was back in the memory of the dream. The vividness of it made her mouth dry.
Kris remembered candles; white, glowing candles surrounding a large bed. Everything else was dark. Soft, undecipherable music played from somewhere far and somewhere near. Kris couldn't tell where it was coming from. Perhaps her heart was singing. But she was alone. No. Not alone. Waiting.
Waiting.
And suddenly, she wasn't alone anymore. Julianne was there, staring at her with curious blue eyes. She seemed to be asking an unspoken question. And Kris didn't know if she had the answer.
Everything shifted. The candles were gone. Darkness dressed in moonlight bathed the sparkling tresses of Julianne's hair. And Kris was mesmerized. She wanted to paint a picture of that moment. But she was stirred from her wish by Julianne's fingers on her lips.
Julianne spoke, but Kris hadn't listened. She'd been too focused on the movement of the other woman's lips. Pressed together then apart, murmuring questions that folded themselves across the canvas of Kris' memory.
The bed was soft, Kris had somehow noticed. But Julianne's skin was softer as her fingers trailed across the smoothness of Julianne's arm. She quickly pulled her hand back, unsure of her actions, her intentions.
And then Julianne's lips were closer, moving toward her with an impossible slowness that spoke of timelessness and doubt. But Kris didn't move away, couldn't move away. And the space closed in around her, making her gasp as soft lips brushed ever so briefly against her own.
Kris' eyes opened, her heart pounding. She wanted to stop thinking about the dream, but couldn't. It was alive in her thoughts; as vivid as any memory powered by hope.
The stars on her ceiling dimmed to the point of non-existence. Her thoughts drifted.
In that moment of waiting, of questioning, she could've pulled away. She could've turned the lights on and broken the spell.
But Julianne's lips were so inviting. And when they pressed against hers once again, she let go. She let go of worry, of doubt. In that moment, she surrendered to the sweet taste of truth. She pressed harder and deeper, searching for something she hadn't known she needed.
And slowly, the world dissipated into nothingness.
Kris opened her eyes, and turned on the light.
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| 57.1 |
[13 Jan 2003|02:37am] |
"Oh man, you're probably gonna get this one," Julianne muttered, looking at the Trivial Pursuit card she'd picked. It was hours after their nap, and after a hearty breakfast of fruit and croissants, Kris had suggested they play a board game. Trivial Pursuit was the only one Julianne had brought, so it won by default.
But, Kris had changed the rules of the game slightly. Instead of a slice of pie for a correct answer, they'd get to ask the other a personal question. "An intellectual truth or truth game", Julianne had called it when Kris had suggested the idea. The artist had simply smiled. And now, Julianne was certain she was about to get asked something she probably wouldn't want to answer.
"Ooh, does it have to do with art?" Kris asked excitedly. "Sweet. Let's hear it."
Julianne cleared her throat. "What Botticelli painting do some wags call 'Venus on the Half-Shell'?"
Kris grinned. "The Birth of Venus," she replied smugly.
Rolling her eyes, Julianne returned the card to the back of the deck. "Okay, fine, smarty pants. What do you want to know?"
Kris was thoughtful while she thought of a question. "Do you have any birthmarks?"
Julianne felt herself blush. Where had that question come from? "Yes," she answered.
"Really? Where?" Kris asked curiously.
Julianne was about to answer, but shook her finger at Kris. "Nu-uh. You only get to ask one question. And you did, and I answered. So, it's my turn."
Pouting, Kris relented. "Fine, I'll get you next time."
Relieved for now, and hoping there wouldn't be a next time, Julianne rolled the dice. She landed on green. She groaned. "That's sports, isn't it? I don't know the first thing about sports."
"Good," Kris answered with a satisfied smirk. She took a card from the box and read, "What pro sports team is nicknamed 'the Broadway Blues'?"
Julianne thought long and hard. "Broadway… that's New York. So, um, the New York some things. Er, the Braves!"
Kris blinked at her. "That's insulting. The New York Rangers." She put the card back and shook her head. "The Braves? They're not from New York."
"I did mention the not knowing anything about sports thing, right?" Julianne said. "I could've sworn I did."
With a laugh, Kris took her turn. "Yellow."
"Which two founding fathers graced the first two stamps sold in the U.S., in 1847?" Julianne asked, hoping that Kris was as adept in history as she was in sports.
"Ben Franklin," Kris said, "and …" She scrunched up her face. "George Washington?" she ventured uncertainly.
Julianne frowned. "How do you know this stuff?" she asked, impressed in spite of the fact that she was losing.
"Should've stayed in school, Miss Franqui," Kris teased. "Hmm, so where was I? Oh, right. Your birthmark. Where is it?"
Julianne sighed. "It's on my butt."
Kris grinned. "Oh really? Interesting."
Julianne hoped that Kris's next question wouldn't be, "Which cheek?" With a resigned sigh, she rolled the dice and landed on pink. "Yes! Good."
"What Broadway play sold tickets from a Zoltar fortune teller machine in FAO Schwartz?" Kris read off.
"Big," Julianne said confidently.
"Damn," Kris cursed.
Julianne rubbed her hands gleefully. "Hmm, what can I ask?" she wondered. It had to be something evil. Very evil. "Have you ever had a dream in which you were more than friendly with another woman?"
Kris blushed at the question and looked intently at the game board. "Uhh … yes."
Now Julianne was intrigued. "Oh, really? When?"
"Nope, you used up your question. My turn," Kris said quickly. "Blue."
Julianne narrowed her eyes. She'd get her on the next one. "Okay, what Asian country boasts the largest Muslim population in the world?"
"Uh," Kris looked around as if hoping to pluck the answers from the air. "China?"
"Tsk tsk, Indonesia," Julianne replied. She took her turn. "Yellow."
"Let's hope you suck at history," Kris mumbled. "Who told Milk Wallace in 1964: 'They're going to kill me … I know too much about Elijah'?"
"Malcolm X," Julianne answered.
Kris narrowed her eyes. "I hate you."
"Right. So, what happened in this dream?" Julianne asked, grinning.
Kris shook her head. "I'm not telling."
"Then you'll have to take a dare," Julianne replied matter-of-factly.
With a sigh, Kris agreed. "Fine. What's the dare?"
Ah, there were so many possibilities, Julianne thought smugly. "I dare you to dance with me at a lesbian bar on Thursday night."
Kris cocked her head to the side, gazing at Julianne curiously, and smiled. "Okay," she answered. "Sounds interesting. I thought you were going to make me put underwear on my head and run through the second floor screaming 'fire!'"
Julianne's eyes widened and she grinned brightly.
"Don't even think about it," Kris warned, grabbing the dice. She rolled. "Yay, pink. Go art."
"What 1991 road movie was originally intended for Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn?"
"Thelma & Louise," she answered easily. "Leigh tells me all of this random stuff."
Julianne mumbled under her breath. "Okay, shoot."
"Who was the last person you had a crush on?" Kris asked.
Julianne froze at the question. She wanted to tell her. It was so tempting. But she couldn't. She didn't want to deal with the consequences that would follow. There had been enough of those lately. "I plead the fifth."
"Aw, come on," Kris said. "Tell me. Naomi, right?"
"My lips are sealed," Julianne replied, her heart aching. How would Kris take it? Would she freak out? She wasn't strong enough at that moment to find out.
Disappointed, Kris sighed. "Okay. Then, I dare you to sign up for a lesbian porn website."
Julianne stared at her. "You're kidding."
"Nope. It's one or the other, Sparky," Kris replied, smiling.
Julianne groaned and grabbed her computer. "I can't believe you're making me do this."
"Better get your credit card ready," Kris snickered. She crawled across the bed, pushing the game board to the side, and sat slightly behind Julianne so she could stare at the screen. "I must supervise."
Julianne was distracted by Kris's nearness for a moment. She wanted to lean back, to feel more of the warm softness she was sure to find there. Instead, she went into Google and typed in "lesbian porn". After a lot of clicking and closing of pop-up windows, she managed to find somewhere to register. "If this appears on the front of The Enquirer tomorrow, I'm gonna …"
"Gonna what?" Kris challenged, leaning forward to rest her chin on Julianne's shoulder.
Kiss you, Julianne thought, her heart hammering in her chest. "Are you ticklish?" she suddenly wondered.
Kris pulled back. "Uh, no," she answered.
"Somehow I don't believe you," Julianne replied, typing in her credit card digits. A few seconds later, she was registered. A world of lesbian porn lay at her fingertips. "Now, what am I supposed to do at this website?"
"I'm sure you'll find something to keep you entertained," Kris teased, moving over slightly.
Julianne put the laptop on the floor and turned to Kris. "Like?"
"Threesomes between big-breasted, sweaty blondes," Kris answered laughing.
"I prefer brunettes," Julianne replied, grinning. "And how do you know about these blondes? Go there often?"
Kris nodded in mock seriousness. "Yup. I'm addicted to lesbian porn. You've found my dirty little secret." She laughed. "Is the game over?"
"Yes I think we've embarrassed each other enough for one day," Julianne replied, closing the board and throwing the game pieces into the box. After clearing the bed, she lay down and stared up at Kris who was sitting cross-legged next to her. "So, now what?"
"I don't know," Kris answered. "I've had fun today."
"Me too," Julianne replied, hoping that wasn't Kris's way of saying she had to leave soon.
Kris looked down at her curiously. "Hey, are you ticklish?"
"No," Julianne lied.
A mischievous smile appeared on Kris's lips. "Oh really? Are you sure?"
"Remember I'm taller and stronger than you are," Julianne warned, sitting up. She needed to be on the defensive in case Kris tried anything.
"Taller, maybe, but not stronger," Kris argued.
"I am, too, stronger."
"Prove it," Kris challenged.
Julianne arched a questioning brow. "And how do you propose I do that?" she wondered.
Kris looked around thoughtfully. Then she brightened. "We'll wrestle. First to pin the other one down, wins."
Is she trying to kill me? Julianne wondered. "Fine," she agreed, because she was a masochist. A dirty, dirty masochist. "But we'll do it by the bed. I don't want to hurt you when I take you down."
Kris rolled her yes. "You're far too cocky for your own good," she said, rolling off the bed. "Come on, Sparky."
"What's with the Sparky?" Julianne asked, getting off the bed and joining Kris at the foot of it.
Kris smiled. "It's cute."
"You're so weird," Julianne said. "Now, how are we doing this? I don't want to hurt you."
"I don't know, I've never wrestled before," Kris answered lightly. "But I do have two brothers, so I think I have an advantage."
Julianne laughed. "Well, that's true. I kept my sister back with crosses and holy water." She paused. "Okay, so all I have to do is pin you down on the bed?"
"You have to try," Kris corrected.
Julianne scratched her chin thoughtfully. Okay. She stepped forward swiftly and started tickling Kris's stomach. As she'd expected, Kris started doubling over with laughter. Julianne ignored Kris's pleas and carefully, but efficiently got Kris on the bed.
"You cheater!" Kris cried, struggling to escape Julianne's tickling hands.
Julianne laughed, and grabbed Kris's hands with one of her own and pinned them down behind Kris's head. With her free hand, Julianne continued to tickle Kris. "Admit I'm stronger," she said.
"No!" Kris refused, while laughing uncontrollably. "You're a cheater!" Somehow, she managed to get one of her hands free, and that was all of the advantage she needed. Kris started tickling Julianne, which distracted the actress from her own attack. That got Kris's other hand free, and she pushed Julianne over, rolling on top of her. She laughed, pinning Julianne's hands down with both of hers. "I win."
Julianne was laughing and gasping for air, but she was still aware of the fact that Kris was straddling her waist. "You win," she admitted, smiling, though she was having trouble concentrating on anything besides the nearness of Kris's body. She swallowed.
Kris stared down at her, her laughter simmering down to a chuckle. "I should get off of you now."
"You," Julianne said, not thinking.
"What?" Kris answered.
You're the last person I had a crush on. "I don't know," Julianne responded, feeling embarrassed. "I don't know what I'm saying."
Kris smiled and let go of Julianne's arms. "Let's get something to eat. Loser's treat."
"Fair enough," Julianne answered, noting that Kris was still on top of her. She tried not to focus on the points where their bodies were touching. But she was losing that battle. Baseball. Snow. Cold water. Bill Clinton naked on a cold day. Ew.
Kris jumped up, suddenly, as if realizing she'd been there too long. "Sorry," she quickly apologized, blushing.
Julianne noticed a change in Kris's demeanor and she worried at its meaning. Can she tell how I feel? She sat up, trying to decipher Kris's mood. "For what?"
Kris paused before answering. "For popping your mighty bubble."
"Well, sometimes I need to be brought down back to earth," Julianne replied.
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